A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice on how best to deal with my boyfriend cheating on me and setting up some form of contact for our baby while I allow myself time to take it all in.My boyfriend of three years had cheated on me while I was pregnant, it was a one off thing while he was at a festival with friends and I only just found out about it a few weeks ago when the girl who he slept with ( was within the group of friends) felt she needed to come clean. It was over a year ago, and she thought because I was pregnant at the time she needed to wait to tell me. She had proof with texts that he had sent her afterwards begging her not to tell me so I guess I should be grateful she did because he never would have.He did admit it was true, but I was so angry and upset I kicked him out and I have been staying with a family member so he doesn't see me or our baby. He has rang none stop, texted, came to the house ect. I just can't face him yet. He lied for a year after he went somewhere where he had known for months I wouldn't be able to go and then cheats on me. I was 27 weeks when he went to this festival and he had known from the moment he booked the ticket I couldn't have gone. Then he comes back and I know he has been still hanging around with the girl he cheated with, she has been to our house, held our baby... I'm just so angry at the pair of them for the actual deed and the year of lies. I know I should let him see the baby but I don't want to! She is almost one so she hasn't noticed the past few weeks without daddy, and it has allowed me time to decide I don't want him back. Now, I have no idea how to tell him this or start up contact for them both. I trust him with her, I just don't want him near me. My family obviously dislike him now and I wouldn't want to put it on them to do it. Our friends are mostly mutual and I would feel guilty almost asking them to choose.I live in the uk, if that helps.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 July 2014):
 I agree fully with Cerberus.
This IS the time to let your family HELP you.
Also I would make the visitation schedule a legal arrangement and also make sure you file for Child Maintenance.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2014): OP make a schedule and have a mediator like your parents/his parents/siblings etc. do all the rest. You don't have to be around him when he sees the baby.
I had a friend go through the same situation and that's what she did. It was tough for her in the sense that as a mother she never really wanted to leave her babies side, but she got used to having a day to herself regularly to go shopping or hang out with friends.
Let your and his family do all the mediation and organisation of this while you come to terms with what happened between you two.
If you don't have anyone like that then set up appointments at a contact centre.
OP your family won't mind doing this for you, out of love for you. You wouldn't be putting anything "on them", you'd be asking them for their help. They only dislike him in relation to you, OP, if you ask them to be go-betweens they'll be happy to do so to protect you.
You'd do it for them wouldn't you no matter how much you hated someone. So swallow your pride and ask for their help, OP. It's what we do as families.
I'd gladly do it for any of my sisters.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (12 July 2014):
 Hi, this is a difficult period for you and you definitely deserve better. I would suggest that you don't rush into giving him visiting rights to see the kid until you are stronger and in a better frame of mind. When you do allow him, he should respect your home and not bring anyone with him and you could arrange to let him see the baby through a family member. You can do without having to see the person who hurt you so badly. You need to heal and the baby is small and will not notice his absence. You can set something up when you are ready. You don't owe him anything and the baby is too small to notice his absence. Further he should have thought about this before he dropped his pants.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2014): How about asking HIS family to do at least some of the pick ups and drop offs once you sort out custody arrangements. She's their grandchild too.Yes, you may be angry at him but don't extend that anger to all his relatives as well. They aren't the ones who cheated
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2014): Make a schedule contract and both sign it (have a non-mutual friend there for support). For example:"I, Baby's father will have her x, y, z days every _____ and I, Baby's mother will have her all other days".It won't be legally binding but, if you both sign it, the police would know he agreed to it - if he tries anything.You'll just have to woman up and tolerate him for your daughter's sake; she might not remember when she's older - but she does notice now.
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