A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiyaHope u can help me as I don't know how to feel about this situation.I have a lovely bloke, he has kids who are lovely.we have been together 6 months and it has been brilliant. I haven't met his kids, as I want to find out if we are solid, however it has now come to the stage where myself and his kids speak on the phone and I would like to meet them soonish (please note, no plans have been made at all to meet them yet).However, this is where my problem lies. His ex. She has messaged me once saying threatening things to me (6 months ago), in which I told her things won't change with my fella and his kids and I have stuck to that (he is a very hands on dad and has them every wknd and takes them to football,golf and dancing etc). I haven't heard from her since. But just recently, she has told him that "at the moment, she doesn't want me meeting the kids" (which as I said, hasn't been mentioned). Since then, an issue has arisen. He told me, he wants me to meet them, but in order for his "ex" to get her head round things, we need to take it slow. She has her own boyfriend who also plays a part in their lives.She does make a drama about a lot of things, last week she wanted to raise the maintenance just like that, then told him she doesn't want me meeting the kids etc. She often tells him he is useless (when he is a brilliant dad, honestly) and she seems to be very unreasonable at times. She has told her son not to talk to me, which he ignored and stiLl does. But slightly concerned over the way he said "we have to let her get her head round things, so it makes it easier for us in the future".surely, if his kids wanted to meet me as did he, why would we have to wait until his ex got her head round things?? Thanks for your advice x
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): It is s very good answer from the anonymous female. I am an ex with the kids and I don't want my ex husband's girlfriend having anything to do with my kids. I don't want her views or anything about her to rub off on my children and would fight with all my strength to ensure it did not happen. My children are older and cannot forgive the way my ex husband left and treated us and they want nothing to do with him or his new family. It can take a very long time before 'the ex' feels able to accept or let anyone into her children's lives. This is often because the hurt is still too great or they simply feel too much dislike for the man and will not do anything to please him. The girlfriend is just a pawn in their game. This might sound awful but human nature is what it is. All you can do is just wait. Sometimes when the ex meets a new man and they then decide they want time with this person then you will get to have the kids but really all you can do is wait. Unfortunately the ex holds the strings and although i am sure you are a very nice woman the ex probably won't care about that at all and will just do as she pleases. The more you ask and suggest the less lilely she is to offer you the chance of meeting the kids. Please don't consider doing it sneakily or by just dropping in when they are with their Dad or she probably will cut visits altogether.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): your bf is scared of his ex. He knows he will always have to be in contact with her cos they share kids, whereas you might disappear eventually (who knows). So appeasing her is more important than respecting you. that's why he's just giving into her controlling behavior because it means less drama for him. I agree this is sad and it's just rewarding and ultimately strengthening her manipulative and controlling ways, but it's always the easiest thing to do in the short term than to stand up and try to change the way things are done.
unfortunately this is his kids and his ex so it's his responsibility to handle it, not yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): Well seeing she has a boyfriend who plays a part in the childrens lives I really dont see that she has a leg to stand on.
You have taken it slow,your fella is clearly an excellent and responsible parent. If this lady wants to 'get her head round things' then she needs to do that without involving the children or you two. Its her problem. Seems she likes to control the situation and likes the attention her demands get her.
I would ask again if you could meet the kids, just to bump into them casually when they are with their Dad is a good start, just a quick 'hi how you doing'.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (15 January 2012):
 Maybe you should ask him why everyone is walking on egg shells when it's perfectly okay for her to have a boyfriend around the kids. What's up with that? Is he just giving in to avoid a conflict? Because it'll just be a moving target and she'll only come up with another rule about something. I think he should ignore her and do what he wants with you and the kids. He's a good Dad it won't do anything stupid. But it's not his responsibility to help her get her head around anything. She's a big girl and responsible for her own weird head. It's time to stop playing games and feeding her need to control every situation and every person in it.
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