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age
41-50,
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writes: I have been dating this man for a year and a half and I need a solution to a problem. We are in a long distance relationship an hour and a half drive away.I live in a big city and he lives in a small town. I am willing to relocate to another big city or a small town near a city because of job prospects I cannot live in a small town which is not near a city. The town he lives in has no job prospects for me .he is not willing to move anywhere because he has a job and a house in the small town. I am turning 34 this year and I have no children. I would very much like to have one. He is 37. He said which I agree on that we need to be living in the same city and married before this happens...but what this actually means is I need to give up everything and move to where he is at. The fact that he is not willing to compromise is turning me off and making me want to dump him.I dont understand why I should be faithful and invest in a relationship that has unstable future plans. What is the solution to this problem?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 August 2014):
 He could sell his house or rent it out.
YOU do things when you love someone that you would not normally do.
I owned my house so my husband moved to me on the condition that we sell the house and buy a new one. I did not want to but I agreed.
With time (he's been with me full time in what is now OUR home since December 2011) he's come to see that we can stay in our home for a while and we've renovated to make it OUR home.
IF he is not willing to make compromise or change and neither are you, then no it will never work.
A
male
reader, fzald +, writes (26 August 2014):
These sorts of situations are some of the hardest situations in life to deal with.He has a fair point. He owns a house and has a job? Asking him to give that up "for love" is asking a lot, even to a man who loves you. On the other hand, you also have every right to consider your own future prospects. You have reason to believe you will not be successful if you move to where he is. 90 minute drive? This isn't honestly that far. Could one of the two of you commute? It might cost a bit more, but if you have a desire to salvage the relationship, it may be worth it. If there is no way that can work, maybe the fair thing to do is for EACH of you to be looking at moving. Don't just "assume" there's no options where he lives. Have him help you look for possible employment. At the same time, have him come visit you and do the same for him. Basically, you're showing each other that you're willing to make the sacrifices - as long as there's a plan in place to ensure each of your well-beings. This is quite fair.This is not even necessarily a problem reserved for LDR couples. You could both be living together, and one of you gets the job offer of a lifetime - halfway across the country. My point is, this is part of living this thing we call life. Situations will come up, situations will pass, some situations will work out great, others not so great. We can control the ride to a degree, but on another level we just have to enjoy the ride. Talk with your BF. Don't be defensive and make it all his problem. Also, don't totally accept the problem as yours. Tell him that if you both want to be with each other, you both have to do the best you can. Perhaps you will find work where he is, perhaps not. Perhaps he will find work where you are. And if neither of you can find any other job prospects, then maybe you could move to him for now but continue to look for other places to go together with the presumption that you will BOTH move together. I believe that if you both want it to work, it can. But if one or both of you is being too stubborn, then it won't work. Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe can not meet half way and each have a 45 minute commute because heowns a house in his area
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 August 2014):
90 minutes is often a commute around here.
when my husband was my boyfriend and a nearly 2 hr drive away we had to decide what to do.
LDRs exist with one goal in mind if the folks are honest and that's to be NOT LDR!
If at your age after 18 months you have not come up with a compromise it's not going to happen.... we were planning two years apart before one of us moved... we barely made it a year.
If you can't compromise and move half way and he can't compromise and move half way so that you both have a 45 minute commute, then I suggest you end it now and move on.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 Is there anywhere you could live about half way between, a small hamlet or village, that would give you both a 45 minute commute .... if you put this suggestion to him as being fair, you will at least discover how flexible he is!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 August 2014):
 I agree with CMMP
Being faithful and investing in a relationship makes sense to most people. If you down the line have to re-think the relationship, so be it, but being unfaithful? HOW is that going to help you achieve your goals of a family?
If there is no "stable" future with this guy, then it's time to move on. You two have spent 1 1/2 years commuting for "love" so how about you two find a solution that would work for both of you ? OR walk away if he is not willing to compromise at all.
I also agree that he is expecting YOU to give up YOUR life and move to him, which wouldn't work, because you would no longer have ANY independance OR income.
Why not simply TALK to him?
Sounds like you two are at a stalemate.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 August 2014):
I don't understand the connection between your problem and being faithful...
Cheating will get you sex, not a family. Since he is unwilling to compromise find a man in your city who will. There are plenty who'd be willing I'm sure.
Unfortunately every problem doesn't have a solution. In this case you've tried every reasonable thing you can do to make this work for both of you. I'm guessing that either he's not as into you as he should be or he thinks you will eventually give in.
What I'd do is have one last talk with him, face to face. Tell him you're willing to live anywhere that you can find a job with a reasonable commute, which is not where he lives. Tell him that if he can't compromise on this then you don't see how the relationship could possibly progress from here. If he still doesn't budge you have your answer.
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