A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My boyfriend left his email open on my laptop once, and already having had previous trust issues we are working on, and have been getting there, I couldnt help myself cast an eye....(the previous problem was him trash/sex talking with a 'female' friend)What I found was that he had joined 3 sex/hookup/dating sites. The ones for NSA and nude photos etc.I was able to click right into these 3 sites from the email. He had uploaded a photo etc, and left it pretty bare. I don't exactly know how much access he has to contact people or email, but you can join forums from what I can see. He opened these just as we started to go on a first dates. Very early days it seems, and it doesnt look like hes actively been on them, and all the emails were in bold (apart from the early ones) in his trash. and some in spam. So it looks as though he has flagged some as spam, and some he actively moves to trash. He knows they are still open and exist.All 3 are interlinked, if you open an account with website b you get more access to do certain things. I don't know what to make of it. Why leave them open? Why not deactivate and get rid of, since he knows we already had a few troubles, why not close out all opportunities of looking bad? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do understand it is wrong to snoop. I do understand if there is no trust I need to move on. But he fights to keep it. And I am a fighter too. When you see on the screen, "Horny Lucie who lives in town wants to meet you" Click to read her message' When you have already discovered that a previous 'trustworthy' friendship broke us up,(which we have sorted) I could not help but check it was just rubbish email, it would always play on my mind. I guess I hoped it was spam. So i searched the website and one of them came up on spam, thats how I know he had some in spam. Surely over the long term, if you want to be pedantic, for the next 50 years, clicking on tick, delete will eventually add up to more time than signing in and deleting account, which takes no longer than 5 minutes. I worry that he uses these to dirty talk, maybe he takes porn to a new level, I don't honestly know. Maybe it is as simple as curiousity and boredem, and is not a real threat. I wanted an outside view. Not a fierce judgement.
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (20 June 2013):
 For me the bigger problem is that you spent enough time snooping through his private emails to check the junk mail folder, open very old messages and link to the websites. That's really bad. Ask a person if you can see their emails/texts or whatever. If they say no then maybe they have something to hide (or they just don't want anyone else looking through their private correspondence), but don't just snoop. That's like reading someone's diary.
In response to why he still has the accounts despite not appearing to use them, I've opened lots of accounts on sites over the years (including dating sites) that I no longer use, ever, and the only reason I don't close them is that I can't be bothered. It seems like too much effort to log in to each site and go through the process of deleting the accounts, which anyway is not always straightforward, so I prefer to filter or block them. It takes 10 seconds and 2 clicks to do a sweep or to mark an email address as junk, whereas it might take several minutes to log in, find out how to close your account, go through the process of closing it, maybe have to go into your emails and confirm the closure. I find that boring and unnecessary.
You could tell him what you saw. You should know if he IS using these kinds of site and he should know that he's dating a snoop.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): It means nothing. I once opened one of those accounts just to spy on an ex bf I knew was on there. I couldn't even FIND how to cancel the account, and it automatically joined me up to two or three other similar websites. They are such an annoying thing. I still get a lot more spam now than I ever did before. He probably doesn't know how to deactivate them, they are created that way. The emails are unopened. When a guy meets a girl, he doesn't know immediately if it is going to work out, or if he really likes her, or if she is 'the one'. That takes time, so I would ignore anything from those early days. When you asked about the dating sites, he may not really consider that a dating site.. I think they have some x-rated photos on there, he may have just signed up to have a look. I know men do that.Look at the whole picture. Don't try to fill in the blanks that can't be filled in with FACTS. Is he kind to you? Does he love you? Is he reliable? Does he take care of you? Does he want to be with you? Does he speak to you respectfully? Does he support you and your goals? Does he have similar goals and values as you? These are BIG things, don't allow some silly annoying emails ruin all the good stuff. I am talking from experience. When a man doesn't want to be with you and doesn't love you any more... THEN you have real problems.... Judge him by the way he TREATS you and Makes you feel when he spends time with you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 You mean to tell me that you both have been together for 2 years, and you snooped through the last 2 years of his emails digging for whatever you could find in there, and found that he opened dating accounts when you first started dating 2 years ago?
First of all, that's a violation of privacy. You aren't married to him. If someone snooped through my private correspondence, I'd break up with them. In fact, it happened to me once. Someone I had been going out with for awhile was so convinced that I was cheating on him with someone else (I wasn't doing anything even close to resembling dating), that he got ahold of my phone bills for the past 2 years (I kept my financial stuff really organized even back then, and this was before online accounting!) and looked through every one of them to find if I was calling someone I shouldn't have. Next thing I know, he actually confronted me about 2 1-minute phone calls out of town to a high school friend of mine (who was a girl I had been friends with since I was 15 and was finding out if she would be in St. Louis when I was there) I had made 7 months before that moment. I had never done anything disloyal to him, but he didn't like the way I "smiled" at him during band practice with everyone there as I gave him directions at a certain spot in the song we were practicing. I had never been so much as attracted to the guy and would never have dated him even had I been single. He was not my type at *all*, and I had even suspected that he was gay.
I broke up with him on the spot, and no amount of pleading and self-justification did him any good. His mom even called me trying to tell me how brokenhearted he was, and how I should have simply explained my innocence and dropped the subject, and that he was demonstrating his care and love for me. No way. Trust issues that cause people to rifle through things like that are red flags.
Relationships are built on trust. If you can't trust him, you shouldn't be with him. If he was sexting with a friend while you two were a couple, and you can't get past that, then you need to break up with him. When people are married, then when someone cheats, I think they should enthusiastically allow their SPOUSE to rebuild trust by confirming whereabouts and being transparent with them at all times until trust is rebuilt.
But you aren't married to him, and you shouldn't be digging through his stuff. If he's untrustworthy, drop him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): He knows I would not be happy. Its advertising looking for girls in his area. We have been been together 2 years. No I have not told him I have seen this. Just trying to figure out if its a real problem or not. I have asked him if he joined any dating websites before, or even would he if he was single, he said no he hasn't before. So he has denied it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): He hasn't deactivated them because he's still keeping his options open. That's just my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2013):
 Have you plain out asked him?
And how long have you been dating?
Also, is this OK in your relationship? Is it something you two have talked about?
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