A
female
age
36-40,
*eatrix13
writes:Hey everyone! I have a couple of issues and would greatly appreciate some insight. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now and have a child together. He is 32 and I am 25. When we got together, we were having sex 2 or 3 times a day. We moved in together after being together for 4 months. Once we moved in we immediatley started having less sex and he told me he was happy it was slowing down. I was shocked and did not want it to slow down, but I understand that is going to happen. At first it went down to a few times a week and by the time we hit the 2 year mark it was maybe once a week. Je told me he was tired and his sex drive was going down. This causes endless conflict because I am a very sexual person and wanted it all the time! A couple months after our 2 year I found out I was pregnant. We love each other very much and were both excited about the surprise. At about 4 months pregnant he said that he was uncomfortable doing it with our little girl right there. Sex and all sexual activities stopped at that point. I gave birth early last month and have about a week to go before I am clear to have sex. Now that I am home I have recently found porn on his computer and realize that he masturbates at least once a day. He seems excited about resuming sex, but I don't understand how he can say he has no sex drive but still masturbate daily! I am young, and despite the minimal baby weight a very attractive girl. It seems like he would rather look at porn than spend any quality time with me, even cuddling has stopped. Our sex life has never had very much variety (he likes missionary and very little foreplay), so now I am thinking maybe if we spice it up he will stop looking at porn so much. The problem is, although I have tried everything with other people, I am anxious about bringing any suggestions to the table because we have never done anything crazy or exciting before. Any advice would help :)
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foreplay, moved in, porn, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): Frank and open talk about sex is needed. It sounds like he has serious hangups around the issue.
You can't do this without being really open about it.
He may have a porn addiction.
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (9 December 2010):
 First, masturbating isn't always even a sexual thing. (Weird, I know.) It's a relaxation thing, personal time, even just a comforting habit. There is no pressure to perform, no timing to worry about, just a little solo-time. Sex with a partner is a whole different thing.
But if he's not even holding you at night anymore, it sounds like there are other issues here. The very instant he moved in with you, the sex dropped by 90%? That's rather abrupt for his sex drive to decrease, don't you think? It sounds like he's worried about commitment, a little afraid what with the cohabitation and child, possibly just spooked about the whole future. Stress KILLS lust faster than you could imagine!
Try to give him a little space, help him to relax, and allow him his personal time or it will just get worse. Though you might try asking if he has any kinks or if there's any porn he'd like to try with you (do NOT mention finding his porn or even think about snooping further). Just try not to push too hard, or you might add to his apprehension.
I know it's rough. I've been there with an ex-fiancée and I pushed her away by asking for more than she could give before she was ready.
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