A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Prior to the start of our relationship, we made an agreement. I wanted to become a mother with the right partner, and he agreed to take on that responsibility. In return, I promised to be good to his three daughters and accept that his ex-wife would always be part of his world. She was the one who initiated their divorce, even though he tried his best to save their marriage. He felt ashamed about the divorce and didn't want to get married again, and I supported his decision. Our original agreement was essential to us; it formed the basis of our relationship.However, after six months, his stance on having another child had changed. He was very nonchalant about something fundamental, which frustrated me immensely. In compensation, he was willing to offer a half-hearted marriage without true commitment, if at all. He often said that getting married wouldn't change or mean anything and that he would leave if he wasn't happy, as his wife needed to be an added value to his life (I suspect that these are words that his ex-wife told him during their divorce). He believed I felt the same way but just didn't express it, which hurt me deeply. It made me doubt his commitment, and I began to worry that divorce was looming if I didn't constantly cater to his wishes.It even seemed like he might have purposely created problems to avoid marriage altogether. I tried to stay positive about not having another child because I wanted to be with him. I believed that my kindness, loyalty, devotion, and warmth would make him treat me better, but sadly, that wasn't the case. During small misunderstandings or arguments, he'd become defensive or simply ignore me, sometimes even when I was in tears. He would say hurtful things just to hurt me, never offering an apology. He even ridiculed me when I cried. He displayed no empathy and often broke up after our arguments, often going to sleep calmly while I was left in tears.He frequently acted passive-aggressively, defensively, and disinterested, almost as if he wanted to escalate our conflicts. I repeatedly tried to communicate my needs calmly, even telling him that a simple hug would suffice if talking was too difficult for him.For example, during a ski trip, he publicly scolded me in a café, expressing regret for bringing me along and suggesting I stay in the hotel if I was in pain. He even threatened to sell my ski pass. Later, he left me crying during the ski trip, walking far ahead without waiting or looking back. Witnessing his callousness was incredibly painful and shattered the image I had of the person who claimed to love me. I had joined the ski trip solely to make him happy, even though I had never skied before.Despite these painful experiences, I tried to be kind to him because we were with others on the trip. I wanted to hold onto the good moments and his initial sincerity, but it became clear that he wasn't truly serious. It was very difficult to accept that I might have made a big mistake by choosing him. I felt left broken.Initially, he seemed incredibly sincere, even looking into my mother's eyes and telling her he would take care of me. I couldn't imagine that he was capable of such deceit.In hindsight, it's possible that he wanted a low-commitment, casual relationship, without responsibilities, while I longed for a man who truly loved me.Unconsciously, I distanced myself from his daughters as a way to protect my feelings, despite his criticism for not having a closer relationship with them.In conclusion, it's possible that his lingering pain from his previous marriage spilled over onto me. He may have lost faith in love and marriage, making it impossible for him to fully commit to protect himself. When the honeymoon phase faded, these unresolved emotions resurfaced, resulting in his hurtful behavior.He didn't feel guilty for playing with my feelings and wasting my time for his own amusement; he knew from the beginning that he couldn't truly be committed to me. Ultimately, he was afraid of life-threatening consequences for me due to my age, and he felt compelled to end the game.In the end, he lost someone who sincerely cared for him a lot. I lost a person who merely used me.I still cry every day. Is my analysis even correct? I don't know how to get over this.
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