A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First off, I'm nineteen. My ex and I dated for two years. He physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me on an almost daily basis for about a year and eight months of that. Four months ago, he cheated on me with a girl who had already had eight partners and she was barely eighteen when they met. He was barely eighteen, either, but that's beside the point. Because of my ex, I'm not entirely trustworthy of the male species anymore; albeit, my best guy friend.Anyways, I'm just wondering if it's normal to still feel bitter about it all? To still wonder why certain things happened and why they happened in the first place? My best guy friend is wondering this, too, because he wants to know how to "coax" me out, I guess. He's a sweet guy but he doesn't understand what I'm going through. He's single and hasn't even had a first love, yet.It's hard not to think about my ex when I'm constantly reminded of him. I haven't talked to the guy or seen him since he cheated on me, but it's still so hard. He was my first love, ya know? And although he didn't treat me with the fairest amount of respect, he was still my first love. It's impossible to erase something like that after only four months. I am, of course, currently single and it does suck, but I can't help it. I'm dwelling too much on the past and I'm now starting to regret all of it.I guess I just need some reassurance. I have friends to go to, but I'm really only wondering if it's normal to still feel angry about all of it...? Thanks to anyone who can help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): First love is an incredibly profound thing, and I suspect it marks almost all of us indelibly, even though it generally ends in tears. In your case, when first love was combined with abuse, it's entirely understandable that mixed emotions are taken to a whole other level.
Of course you're right to be angry! Your love and your trust were violated on a number of levels. Four months is hardly an unreasonable amount of time to harbour bitterness. It's normal, and it's understandable.
Naturally it's going to take time to get over it. But you *must* get over it, or else that low-life continues to have power over you. Intellectually you know that not all relationships are like that. What will take time is to realize it emotionally. You will, of course, be incredibly choosy about whom you choose to trust from here on in. But there *are* good guys out there, who will prove themselves worthy of your trust, and who *can* compliment your life and your dreams. When you think you've found one, of course be careful, but not so careful that you drive him away. Relationships always carry the risk of disappointment and tears. At some point you do have to take the plunge and trust, or the relationship can't work. You know some warning signs now -- you're wiser, and you can take that experience and carry on.
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