I don't trust him because I don't think he is fully commited to me

A female age 36-40, *hreestars writes:

I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years. I am 23 and my partner is 22. We broke up last year for 8 months but where in contact again during the break-up after around 3 months. I started a relationship with somebody else and my ex started asking me out again. I wanted to be sure so I waited 3 months and in the end we got back together. Our problems before where that he thought he was too young for a relationship and I had been his only serious relationship but he said he realised he loved me and wanted to marry me as he couldn't imagine being with anybody else. It all sounds nice but I can't bring myself to trust him, I think it was because I was very hurt when we broke up and I resent him not wanting to stay with me and not fighting for the relationship before we broke up. It has been nearly a year now that we have been together and he has changed by committing more to me but sometimes I feel he might not really be a 100% sure about being serious right now in our relationship. I get this feeling as most of his friends are not in serious relationships and the ones who are in relationships, I see as being non committed and I think he would rather we where like these for the time being until we are older. I never stop him from going out with his friends as I value friends a lot and know we should have our own things in life. What I mean by non committed is not knowing what the other person has been up to in their day, by planning nights out with other people and then informing the other person later rather than discussing together. I don't think I ask too much, I just don't want to feel like someone who is bugging him all the time. He is also a club promoter and every Friday and Saturday (at least one of these days) we go to these clubs. I nearly always go but there are times when you can't always go out together cause of sickness and maybe other things. When he goes alone I don't always trust him, deep down I know I should but I find it hard to as when he gets drunk he sometimes doesn’t know what he is doing. I tell him this and he tells me what he did in the night and is hurt by what I say as I show lack of trust. I know I bug him or nag but he doesn’t tell me about his night unless I ask cause he says its always the same thing he does and if something different happens he will let me know. Now he says he wants to go for 4 months abroad to study on Erasmus. I find it very hard when he goes abroad with his friends. I miss him and end up kind of resenting him. I don't think I could stand that long but he says it’s just a lack of trust from me and I don't really love him. I'm sure I love him as I can't imagine my life without him and I can't imagine long periods without him. His opinion is that any time less than a year apart is not a lot if we had to go abroad. He says this Erasmus will better his career but my opinion is that he can do the same studies at the university here in Malta. I don't know if this will make or break us but I don't think I can deal with it. I am seeing that he is interested more in himself than our relationship when in most decisions I make I include him in my mind. Lately he said he keeps waiting for us to get used to each other but we never seem to. We both agreed we have stayed together because we love each other. Is love enough? I have spoken to him about all this I have written but we just seem to keep fighting. I don't know what to do and I feel very hurt. I am not saying I am perfect as I can be quite moody and he puts up with me but he also doesn’t say much about it and I think he might just be getting more and more fed up of me and not saying anything. I just need reassurance sometimes as I feel that he might just end up cheating on me in anger after we fight and this makes me trust him less as he just says nothing sometimes. I know I seem to have trust issued but I think I’m just realistic. There is a lot of shit out there and if a couple is not open and doesn’t communicate well I don’t think they can overcome this and today’s fast and busy world.

View related questions: broke up, drunk, got back together, my ex, period, university

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A female reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 January 2008):

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