A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just don't think I'll ever get her to like me!...... My fiancee's female friend that is. He and I have been together for 5 years. I am 23, my fiancee is 25, the female friend is 34. They are from the same town in their home country, she had a romantic relationship with his brother (who is 27, they are still close) and she is good friends with my fiancee's mother. I really wanted to be friends with her, but I think she just will never like me.... and if I am going to be totally honest- I truly believe that it's because I am American born (of Italian, Czech, Brazilian and Cuban decent)This woman has flat out told me that she wants to get into my fiancee's pants. She tried to embarass me and make me feel bad about how much I care for my dog (because I plan to bring my dog with me when fiancee and I go to his home country). She tried to pull him away from me once while he and I were dancing, telling him that he should be "allowed" to dance w/ his female friends.. He turned her down, I didn't have a chance to say anything about it before he said No. He said not to worry about it, she was drunk/ didn't know what she was doing/saying. She has also stated that I don't let him go out to the club, which is a lie. We go dancing/clubbing once or twice a month because we are saving to leave the country- how is that me not letting him go out?.... the list only goes on and on. Most of the issue are those kind of snide remarks that just boil under the surface of your skin, you know? The insinuation that I am not, and never will be, good enough for him.Now, I really HAVE tried to make this work. For her birthday, I went out and got her an aragon oil spray for her hair because it's kinky and nothing tames it except olive oil, which she complains weighs it down. So I went and bought her this stuff because I got a free sample and it worked great for me- however, I would never splurge on it for myself. Since it was her b-day and I really want to smooth over w/e issue she has w/ me- I splurged for her. I have driven her all around town because she doesn't have a car, she never thanked me, or offered to help out w/ gas and never asked her for a dime. I have helped her apply for medicaid because she doesn't speak/read/write english. I have gone out of my way to bend over backwards to help her/get her to like me... yet she doesn't.I know that my fiancee doesn't so much see the issue between she and I because she mostly attacks me when he isn't there (like last time we all went out together and as soon as he got out to put gas in the car, she attacked me for not giving him kids yet when he and I decided we wanted to wait until we are married and financially stable). Luckily he is begining to understand since we ran into her on the 4th of July and she was rude right in front of him and he finally saw her true colors/agreed that she has some un-provoked issue w/ me. However, he doesn't plan to do anything about it.I don't expect him to cut off contact w/ her. She is obviously attached to the family, plus she has helped my fiancee out in the past. I feel kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have to be honest, it hurts my feelings that he doesn't say something to her- however I can understand why it would be difficult for him. I don't know how to handle the situation... I don't know what to do... and after 5 yrs of dealing w/ her I am resorting to asking strangers for help. What would you do? Confront her? Ask him to stick up for you? Ignore her entirely?
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (10 July 2012):
Well here would be my comebacks but I would recommend my later solution to your problem. I can offer another solution because I myself have a female friend who also can't "speak up" for herself. But think about standing up for yourself as more of a mental battle. Friend "I can't believe you have to bring your dog with you".1.Me, "Well I was gonna bring you in but you cost too much to feed" 2.Me, "Oh its ok, my fiancee insists that I bring doggy, he's so thoughtful!"3.Me, "Oh don't worry about it, its not your problem anyway".Friend "why don't you give him kids"1.Me, "I guess we prefer planned pregnancy rather than doing whatever we feel like...unlike some people..well not you but you know, other people"2.Me, "Excuse me? But that's not really any of your business is it?"3.Me, "Hmm interesting question. I'll ask him about what you asked and see what he says".Final "me" statement,"Hey umm if you keep attacking me, I'm just not really gonna help you out anymore or even talk to you. If you have something to ask me, you should ask me in front of bf as well because I'm not gonna answer your stupid questions."Do you see a pattern? You do not defend yourself in a comeback. Instead you through the answer of the question elsewhere. Plus the responses can be interpreted in so many ways that some may not even gain an answer. My other alternative is to simply ignore her - mentally. If you noticed we gave a lot of reasons about her "hate" that really has nothing to do with you. Remembering when she attacks you that it actually has nothing to do with you is a big battle of strength that you must gain within your mind.It's not so much about being rid of her. It's more like learning to adapt to someone who can not change. And there are many negative people like her out there and I've seen a lot worse! Indeed, this situation could be a lot worse. But you haven't met the In law yet so don't let your relationship with this friend stop you OR importantly, cloud your actions! Be the normal, down to earth person that you are, and just hope for the best. Remember always that your fiance is right there with you through the ordeal even though he may not understand or be aware.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012): Thank you for your quick replies and suggestions.After the last time we all went out (when she attacked me about not giving him kids) I decided not to do anything for her any longer.... and after running into her on the fourth, I told my fiancee about that decision and he agreed that was a wise one. I guess I have, thus-far, felt that, since I haven't met my mother-in-law-to-be in person, getting the female friend's approval would some how make my mother-in-law-to-be approve of me before we even met (beyond the occasional skype-call). However, I think you guys are right. There is nothing I can do to change the female friend's feelings toward me, because they don't necessarily have anything to do w/ me. Now... about standing up for myself... Ugh! I wish I could. I, unfortunately, am one of those people who can't think up a comeback until the opportunity to make it is long gone :( I wish I could come up with something snarky in response but I just... can't. I have always had that issue, and I've always wished I could fix it- I don't know where to start? How does one learn to think up a comeback quickly? When she started in on me about bringing my dog w/ us to their home country, I couldn't think up much on the spot- just to tell her she has her way and I have mine. However, once fiancee and I were in the car and on our way home- I thought of a comeback concerning how I couldn't leave my dog in the care of others while I was in another country, unlike some people -ie. her- who left her 3 young children in the care of a friend while she is in the US. Then I thought that may be a step too far... I mean, I'm worried that if I insult her too badly, my mother-in-law-to-be will hear about it. I'm sure that the female friend doesn't tell my mother-in-law-to-be about how terrible she is to me, however I doubt she would miss out on the opportunity to make me look like a monster.Because the female friend is so attached to the family, we will never be rid of her entirely... However, I will have a heart to heart w/ my fiancee about how she herb disrespect to me is disrespect to him by proxy. Thanks to you guys, I am now able to put that feeling into words. I sooo greatly appreciate it.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (7 July 2012):
People tend to have strange and messed up ways of expressing their true feelings. More so when they have experienced failure in their own life and can't seem to find their way to success again.
Btw, congrats to you and yours! It is quite refreshing to hear someone try as much as you have. Not to mention your bf sounds like a pretty good guy as well.
I am unsure why someone would attack you so much when they do not know you. The only reason I can think of is because this female friend lives with a lot of frustration from the mistakes of her past. The snide remarks sound more like decisions this friend would have made in her past. I suppose, to her, you are the perfect girlfriend. Perhaps it angers her because she is lonely and has made a fair share of mistakes in her past. Basically, I am sorry that she has chosen to be immature by directing her real problems to you.
Your boyfriend needs to understand that if he does not say anything, in terms of questioning this friend, you will constantly be hurt. YOU need to understand that her attacks are not your fault and there isn't anything YOU can do to fix it. If I were in your position I would tell my lover that if she can not control her friend, then I can not be in that person's life because that person is destroying mines.
Truthfully, in your position, I would never stay silent. I would make comebacks that would render the friend to generally remain quiet. If someone attacks me, I attack back with the same force. I never believe in remaining silent against bullies. Ofc, this bully is disrespecting both you and your boyfriend. At any rate, if your boyfriend can not stick up for you, then you need to stick up for yourself. Marriage isn't something you choose to do to simply impress others. And trying to impress this friend, isn't getting you anywhere.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (7 July 2012):
 First I would stop buying her things, and stop being her chauffeur. All the good deeds in the world are not going to make her like you. Next I would sit your fiancé down and have a long hear to heart with him. Tell him exactly how you feel, hold nothing back. Impress upon him, that because he loves you, then her disrespecting you, is also disrespecting him. By her actions, she is basically saying to him "i don't think you have sense enough to chose your own mate wisely, therefore I am going to take it upon myself to run her off.
She is jealous, and he is the only one who can put a stop to it. People can only get buy with what we are willing to allow them to get by with.
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