A
female
age
51-59,
*unaway Girl
writes:I was wondering of someone could help.I am in love with a great guy and throughout our relationship we have grown together. I have one problem despite what he says I don't think he's over an ex girlfriend who he lived with. He became ill and had a heart attack then got prostate cancer and was unable to work and she had an affair and left him. She did marry the guy she left him for. This was a couple of years ago. Recently he has joined Facebook and i have noticed he has looked a couple of times at her page. Last night we had sex and i pop his phone on charge and noticed a couple of notifications and gave it to him. I curled up and when I looked back he was checking her Facebook page again!!. He has said a number of times that he's over her and if ever I left him I would break his heart. I am just so upset.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2015): In my opinion, it seems that he is not just not over her but to some point, even obsessed. There is no reason why he would be doing this if not. it may be a love-hate situation which is never good news. It may take him some time to grow out of this but at the same time, there is no reason why you should be putting up with it. Sorry.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (19 June 2015):
 It's OK to "break his heart".... since he, clearly, doesn't give a damn about your's (heart)......
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (19 June 2015):
 Gawking at his Ex on FB does not mean that your guy is not over her or that he craves her. Most men gawkers look at curiosity and not any romantic or attachment issues that are typical of females. Your guy might be different but given how she cheated on him and abandoned him, I doubt that he has any romantic attachements to her. If anything, such gawking maybe out of spite. Having said that, it is understandable that you are upset and I'm sure if the roles were reversed he would be too. So why not talk to him exactly this: ask him if he gawks at her out of spite and how would he feel if the roles were reversed. Keep the discussion on that topic and don't swerve off of it. Getting him to admit that his actions are indeed uncomfortable for you would be a win in this situation that you can use to eventually get him off the gawking. Eventually, he has to stop this behavior because that past with her is not erasable. I think that if you tackle this in stages without anger, tantrums and sharp demands you may get some results because, after all of that sickness and health complications he has had, my hunch is that he has some great sense of empathy and your message will resonate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): Leave.YOU should NOT be the one sorting him out or waiting for him to sort himself out. In my opinion,people should go into relationships to try and make their other half happy.If he got in a relationship with you to make HIMSELF happy, that is SELFISH.Also, he might be a mess (and not so by his doing), but he is not your mess to clean up.I was like that...I spent so much time to try and help somebody (2 years) get over past hurts. He did. With my help. Then once that was done, he went on to somebody else and all I was left with are those moments that you yourself are having-i.e. questioning whether we ever were really truly happy, whether he was with me because of me or because he wanted to get over her...Nothing felt "real" after a while.Do yourself a favour. Stop this before you get in too deep.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 June 2015):
 back in "the old days" it was money is the root of all evil now it's FB go figure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): Allow him to grieve.He may be over her but he may still be hurt / feeling resentful.If you two are happy together I'd say leave it alone. Sometimes it just takes time.It took me a while to stop looking at the profile if an ex. I had no love for him at all. I was happily in a relationship. I suppose I hoped I wanted karma to come back and bite him for the way he treated me and I morbidly wanted to be watching in the wings.I don't know what happened. Maybe time. But It's been almost 2 years now that I haven't been on his profile. He sent me a few messages unexpectedly after all these years trying to be friends again. I happily deleted them without a second thought.Sorry for the ramble but my point is don't assume he'd rather be with her than with you. What does your gut feeling say? Is he happy with you?He should, however not be friends with her on facebook. That's just nurturing bad habits and increasing the temptation to keep looking her up.It is also in such poor taste to be on her profile after you've made love. That would make me feel sick if someone did that. You could try asking him why he's looking at her page after making love to you. Why he's done so several times recently and his reaction might tell you how he feels about her.Go with your gut instinct.
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