A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in love and I don't know what to do. My best friend is a guy and I love him to bits. We always go out for drinks together, we share everything. I've tried to tell him that I'm in love with him and he say's that he is in love with me too but is worried that our friendship will be ruined if it all goes pear-shaped. A couple of years ago, we got really drunk and slept together. We had already admitted that we were in love with each other by this point but he said that it was a mistake and could have ruined our friendship. Not long afterwards I found out that I was pregnant. Having not slept with anyone else, apart from my friend, it had to be his. But, knowing that he didn't want to be with me in that sense, I decided to have an abortion without telling anyone. Nobody knows about my abortion as I type this. Mutual friends have told me that he regularly says that he is in complete love with me and wants to be with me but is scared of it all going wrong. I want to be with him so badly but I don't know what to do to make him realise that we are meant for one another. I don't think I should tell him about my abortion as I'm afraid he might get upset with me, but I need help in bringing us together as a couple. Any ideas?
View related questions:
abortion, best friend, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (13 February 2009):
One of the anonymouses described a scenario for telling him. I'd like to add an observation, before offering thoughts on the to-tell-or-not-to-tell.If you want to tell him, the suggestions in the note (at your place, a Friday, etc) all seem well considered and smart.The only part that would have me worried for you, from the perspective of the guy, is this: I imagine I hear from a friend I care deeply about that she was once pregnant by me. And that she had a abortion (I'm not one to take moral offense at that, in case that is relevant to this). So here I am, thinking a few things.First, I now know someone I love(d) went through something awful. I want to comfort. I also realize I had a potential child. I'm stunned, and don't know how I feel about that. I also realize that my saying it was a mistake contributed to the situation. I feel a sense of responsibility for the decision. I also wonder if she was or is angry with me, and whether I should be defensive.I'm probably torn between wanting to reach out supportively to her, saying i was sorry, how that must have been terrifying, i wished i had know, was she okay, etc. Basically playing the comforting and understanding role. On the other hand, though, I realize that I did not have a say in something that has an emotional impact on me. Not knowing what that emotional impact is yet (maybe my not being fervently anti-abortion here is relevant), I would probably fall into that traditional male role of comfort others first, think about your own feelings later.(Aside: I'm thinking of funerals, when my family members have died, it's the older guys who are sorting out out the arrangements, carry caskets, drying tears, basically doing the immediate work of the thing. They understand their responsibility is to fix things, and they can deal with their own feelings later if at all.)If she stops there, I may feel like I can afford to be open, comforting and understanding with her. I might feel I am able to do something, be useful, in a situation that at its core is reminding me how completely powerless I was.But if she now brings in the I Love You thing, now it also becomes a question. It can feel manipulative. Does my comforting her imply saying Yes to a relationship? And saying Yes in the context of a (unborn) child, does that make it a YES? Now I may feel ambushed, even if I like her, as I know that I may have a negative reaction to this news later, and I'm being expected to make choices now before I get to tend to myself.So my reaction to the telling him scenario is, there is telling him you love him, and there is telling him you chose not to carry a child he never knew of. Both conversations can be enormously consequential, and both have (potentially) very different emotional tones.My inclination would be, if you tell him, to tell him along the lines of those described in Anonymous' note, but stopping short of the "trying to pretend you don't love him". If your decision was taken in the context of being a loving friend, but not a couple, I'd be inclined to tell him still in that context.If he is understanding, and caring, and clearly acts loving towards you, and stays that way after he has some time to digest the news emotionally, then you may have room to bring up the desire for another relationship (which can even be prefaced with something along the lines of "part of me wants to be with you. But after what happened last time, I'm scared to get involved unless we are both serious about it."). If his reaction is selfish, or to distance himself, then your not bringing up your feelings (in a way that sounds like a question, as "I love you" can often be) gives him space and respect to grieve while saving you the additional heartache of being rejected when at your most vulnerable.And there is always the possibility that he will react with a "why are you telling me this (now)?" The angry version if it comes would be more like "why tell me now, when I can't do anything, rather than then when I could have?" Guys don't generally like feeling helpless. What may help you a little, though, is that the hurt of losing a child he might wish he had with you would be balanced by the possibility of being with you now. To the extent that he does not want to be with you now, he'd be less likely to get upset about your not having a baby with him. So I'd expect mixed feelings regardless.If asked "why now", I'd express not wanting to tell him because it could only hurt him (which acknowledges his pain but underlines his question) and then talking about your starting to think about a more serious relationship with him and knowing that you couldn't start something new keeping a secret like that. Maybe you mention he has a right to know, depending on whether you sense he'd find that considerate or hypocritical.Anyway, the main thing I want you to avoid is opening up to him and sharing a serious common sorrow, and then being seen as using that to try to manipulate a relationship (if he doesn't already/still want one). Your other option is to try to date him and hold this back as something you tell him if/when you really get serious and stay that way a while. For example, if you date but are very slow with sex (which should be understandable given your shared history), then you could put it out there before you have intercourse. And another part of me thinks you could save it until you are married, and otherwise no need for him to know. I would probably base my decision, if in your shoes, on how I thought carrying that secret would burden the relationship, and change me (for example, suddenly feeling bad when he talks about a kid, you withdraw, he sees and asks why, you lie to cover up, you feel bad later, he wonders what he has done, etc... keeping a secret can harm relationship more than sharing it).Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Girl if you don't keep that secret between you and GOD or take it to the alter. If it would help you to talk to him about the situation then YES tell him but, keep in mine he will look at you differently once you tell him about the abortion. Because, to a guy if that is one thing you have kept from him then there is tons more. Hopefully, you are getting where I am coming from with that. And now for the the advice as you two being a couple just ensure him that you plan to same the same but, you want to also grow with him. And let him know that you love him. GOOD LUCK!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Hi there, I feel for you wherever you are. That's a difficual position to be in.I don't believe you should tell him or anyone about the abortion either. Are there any medical records with your name and social security number or bithday on them? Because if so, that is a secret that can catch you at some point if you do go into a realtionship with him.I don't know why but I believe that the past does catch up with. I did something that felt quite wrong while I was on a free with a guy, things between us evolved into a realtionship and I didn't tell him about it until two years later. I decided to tell him bacause I had gotten to a point of trusting him enough and I needed to tell someone because it was eating me alive and he was the only one I could trust. Also because I started feeling that we were for real and I didn't want him to find about 10 or 20 years later and knowing that I never told him in all those years. I knew he would not like it at all, but thought it was for the best. When I told him he was very hurt and dissapointed, I didn't really knew if we would stay toghether and it was obvious that neither did him. I was so stressed that I didn't eat or sleep in 4 days. It was hell, I came to face what I did and at the risk of losing my best friend and the person I loved the most.But I needed to do it. Thankfully things worked out well, we talked about it and I answered a lot of unconfortable questions and it took him a lot of time to regain trust in me, he didn't even want to kiss me at first, but things improved with time. Many years have passed and we're still toghther, loving and supporting each other and except for a nightmare I had and one he had, we've never touched the incident again. I do still feel bad about it, but it's not as before and "coming clean" to my best friend/lover about it has helped me digest it and helped in finding peace for myself and I hope that when the past catches up with me, I'll be better prepared emotionally to deal with it.I described my experience to give you and idea of a possible escenario. I know your situation is not precisely the same, but I thing you are going through something similar. So here it goes my advice for you. Ask yourself this questions How's the friendship going? Is it as it used to be before you fell in love with each other? Was it as it used before you slept toghether?... You don't mention that, but it sounds unlikely to me that the friendship is as great with you bottling up your feelings. It sounds to me more likely that your friendship will go sour from holding up the feelings you have for each other and from hiding things from each other than from being honest about how you feel.Can you imagine an scenario where you keep up the way you're going, avoiding your feeling for each other for the sake of your frienship, years go by and one of you meets someone and anounces it's married (could be you, could be him), how is the other going to feel, do you think you'll still be able to be such great friends?I think you are giving up your chance of happiness for a friendship that has little odds of survivng the way things are.My mother said that couples should tell each other everything, but NOT EVERYTHING, that there were things better kept to oneself. I don't share that idea, that's not the kind of relationship I want with someone, so I suggest your tell him and use that as a means for sorting out things, wether you come closer and finally take each other as a partner or that you lose even the frienship and that way, despite the first days will be much harder, you'll be able to move on with your life and you'll be glad you did it. (after all, who wants to be friends with someone who turns his back on you when you need him the most, let alone a relationship). Sure he'll probably feel upset as he is entitled to, he'll find ou that he has lost a son/daughter too. But it'll give you a chance to grieve toghther and to see if he does love you above everything.How to do it.I don't know where you usually hang out or what you do toghether, but I'd suggest it is at your place and with the two of you alone. That way if he reacts terribly he'll be leaving and you won't have to be looking for your way back home between tears. Don't make it seem like a big ocassion or as if it was all part of a master plan of you. Some confortable evening alone at your place will do. Preferably do it on a Friday, that way, if things don't go well you won't have to show somewhere with your eyes all red and puffy the next day and he'll still be able to grab a beer with his friends and drink himself to amnesia.Tell him what you feel. That you are madly in love with him and that you can go on anymore, that there's something you cant carry anymore and that it's been all for the sake of your frienship. Tell him that you've respected your decition of saying it was wrong what happened between you the night you were drunk, and that's why you didn't tell him when you found about your pregnancy, because YOU KNEW HE DIDN'T LOVE YOU THAT WAY, that's why abortion seemed like the only thing to do. Tell him that you haven't told this to anyone, and that it hurts you not being able to tell him bacause you don't want to ruin the frienship, but that you think that keeping things aways from him and trying to pretend that you don't love him is far worse. Tell him that you underrstand if he feels angry or that he can't talk to you again, but that you rather tell him and loose him than to be pretending something you don't feel.See how he reacts and take it from there.Good luck and I hope you hope happiness and peace.
...............................
A
female
reader, lellytots  +, writes (12 February 2009):
 that's a tough one.If you do want to be with him then I don't think you can tell him about the abortion. Not only would he not be with you but that in itself could ruin your friendship.It could also really hurt him and give him something to worry about when he doesn't really need it.If you do tell him there could be major problems but at the end of the day its up to you. good luck x
...............................
|
