A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 2 years. He is in his mid thirties. He is currently working extremely hard to save enough money so that we can move in together. However, there is one problem that I don't know how to approach.When my partner goes out for a few drinks with his friends, his mother, who at times can be domineering, goes beserk. I can appreciate her view to a certain degree because her father was an alcoholic and she understandably doesn't want history repeating itself, however her reaction to it is a little over-the-top to the degree that my partner lies to her about who he has stayed over with to keep the peace. He tells his Mum that he has been staying over with me when, in fact, he has been staying over at a friend's house after he has been drinking to avoid going home and another heated argument ensuing when she smells alcohol on him.I told him a while ago that I was not happy with him lying to his mother. I simply didn't feel comfortable getting involved in it. Anyway, a few nights ago I went over to his house for a family meal and as I said my goodbyes his Mum told me to come over more often to return the hospitality as he had been over my house so often lately. I was shocked at this as he has been over my house very rarely lately due to various commitments. It seems to me that he has decided not to tell me about his lying to his Mum to avoid me feeling uncomfortable about it but now I feel like he is lying to me too! The fact is that I wish he had been seeing me as often as she believes he has. I totally understand that he wants to keep the peace but the lies are starting to affect me. I am starting to feel like he is using me.I don't think he realises that these lies to his mother are starting to erode my trust in him to the point that I have even started thinking that maybe he is having an affair. How do I approach this?
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male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (3 July 2009):
 He must stop using you as an excuse. Not letting you know when he was using you as an excuse has put your future relationship with his mother at risk. If your relationship with him becomes permanent and somehow his mother found out what has been going on she may think that you had agreed to it since you didn't deny it, that would almost certainly end any meaningful relationship you could have had with her.
A
female
reader, laura585  +, writes (3 July 2009):
Why not just ask him where he is really going and who he is staying with? You two are about to move in together which is a big deal! Talk it out with him, and if he is partying too much for your comfort its something he needs to work on. You dont want to move into a place with him just to spend the nights alone! His mothers fears are quite understandable since his dad was an alcoholic- maybe you should be wary and keep him from subconciously following in his dads footprints. The best thing you can do is sit down and talk with him about it- he's not a mind reader, that will be the only way he will know how this is making you feel.
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