A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been dating for 2 years.I have to take an important exam and have been really stressing about it. So I called my bf, looking for some reassurance and support. But when I talk to him, he just tells me random things that don't have anything to do with the situation and doesn't seem to address the situation beyond asking me what the situation is.I talked to him about it, and he told me he doesn't want to "baby" me. He's a person that will be straight up and truthful and so he refuses to tell me something that might not be true (an example would be telling me "You'll do good on you exam", when really it's no guarantee that I will). He says he doesn't know what to say. I told him I'm not looking for a solution to the problem. I just want support and for him to be there for me when I'm distressed. He says he tells me random things to get my mind off of the problem for a little while, and maybe get a little laugh out of the randomness. Although his thinking does make sense, this method really doesn't bring any comfort to me at all. To me, just sounds like he wasn't all concerned about my situation. With the random comments, I have no idea if he's just blowing off my situation or actually trying to help.I'm also worried in the future that every time I look for him for comfort, he's never going to give me the support that I need. He feels like the best support he can give is a beer. In this case, I don't drink so he says he doesn't know what else he can do.How can I tell him that I want support, like a hug when I'm feeling down, or even just telling me that he is concerned for me in the situation and although he doesn't know what to say, at least he cares and would help me if he could. I understand the need for laughter in bad situations, but sometimes there needs to be comfort. How can I get him to understand this? It just makes me feel like he doesn't know what empathy is. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 August 2012):
 The "problem" here is - quite clearly - that YOU are speaking in Martian, and HE is listening in Venusian.
You (two) need a translator!!!!
Good luck....
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 August 2012):
 Is this you too? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-right-to-be-jealous-that-they.html Boyfriend of 2 years and a US flag with the same age range and a boyfriend who lacks enthusiasm for you or the relationship?
He doesn't want to baby you is code for: I'm not all that interested in your interior life or your well-being. Now, it could be that he perceives you as being high maintenance or fragile and his way of coping with it is to ignore it, and therefore, ignore you when you are needy (as perceived by him).
Combined with your other question (I'm really sure that's you too), and I think what we have here is a boyfriend who isn't all that into the relationship.
I would stop rowing your side of the relationship boat and see what happens. Make plans with other friends and do all those things you like to do, hiking, biking, whatever your outdoor pursuits may be. Invite him along but do not base your participation on his attendance. You go out and enjoy the day even if he doesn't show up.
If you want to go out, don't sit in your room. Leave him sitting there if that is what he chooses. Do not sit and mope.
I expect he knows full well what you expect of him, provided you have been clear and calm about it. "Babe, I need your support. Hugs, kind words, emotional presence. What doesn't help me is distraction or non-sequitors. At this moment in my life, I need some comforting." He may or may not be able to provide those things but I'm sure he knows what you would like.
Guys get really uncomfortable with showing emotions and I think are fearful of appearing to condone or support wobbly, weepy emotions, as they are afraid they will wind up with a gooey, sloppy downtrodden mess of a girlfriend. If you want that type of empathic support, you have to be clear. "Babe, I am in a high stress time of my life right now and I would so appreciate it if you would say some words of comfort to me, specifically reassurance and calming words that will ease my mind. This is a temporary state and I will be much better once the exam is over. It would mean a lot to me for you to be able to do that."
Give him the assurance that you aren't like this permanently and just need the short term support of this type from him, before you go back to a more level emotional keel. Be precise, be specific and do not expect him to read your mind. When he's stressing, he may like being distracted or focused elsewhere, that may be the way he copes.
If he never is able to show support and isn't interested in doing things with you, well, you may need to reconsider the relationship. Two years is long enough to know if you are truly compatible from an emotional balance and support standpoint. If he's not acting all that into you, well, maybe he's not all that into you. Step back for a bit and see if he moves to fill the void left. If he does not, you will have a pretty clear indication that it's time to split up.
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