A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, thanks for reading this. I'm in a rut and need some advice on how to move forwards. To cut a long long story short, I split with my bf of 10 years six months ago, after finding out he had been seeing a woman from his work behind my back, using adult dating sites, and sending explicit texts/pics to random girls. He'd done the same thing one year before, and we'd split up, but got back together within a few months after he said he couldn't live without me in his life. We really tried to work through the problems we'd had, and things were the best they'd ever been (communicating, having fun, great sex!) until I found he'd done the same thing again.This guy is the love of my life. I felt like he was my best friend too, and told him stuff I've never told anyone else. Since we split, there's been no contact between us, not even a Xmas card-pretty sad, huh?I was so bereft at first, but for the last month or so, I've started to feel a little better. Although I still love him, I don't think I'd ever want to get back together with him. I think I might be ready to start thinking about dating, but I feel like I've completely lost all my confidence in myself and in people. I feel I gave the best of me to my ex, but still wasn't good enough. Most of all, I am scared of ever trusting someone again. My friends posted me on a 'date my mate' website, and a couple of guys have been in touch to ask me on a date.I guess I'd like some advice on how to get over the fact that there is a person out there (my ex) who knows my innermost secrets and was my best friend as well as my lover, and yet betrayed me... and on how to not carry that expectation of being betrayed into other relationships, and on how to deal with dating again... the thought of being betrayed or rejected is pretty scary to me, so I wonder if that means it's too early to date? Also, at the back of my mind, I don't see the point in dating - I've already met 'the one' (=my ex).Sorry this is so long. Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks. x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): I've just been through the exact same experience.. but when I found out my boyfriend had been seeing someone else secretly and carrying on a double life.. I emailed him and told him never to come near me again and to return my things to my house. He snuck over while I was asleep and left them on the doorstep.. too much of a coward to face me knowing I knew everything about his secret dirty holidays and late night romps.I found out through my own detective work.. and I had been with this guy for nine years. I thought HE was the one.. just as you did.. but something like this should tell you that he ISN'T worthy of you. As soon as I found out what was happening.. I closed him out of my life. I'm going through the same emotions as you. He was my best friend.. I confided everything in him and would've trusted him with my life! Now I am trying to move on feeling like he now has this big peice of me that I can never get back - all my secrets, my fears.. my deepest and most intimate thoughts.. for some reason having given those things away makes me feel more violated and exposed than the fact I lost my virginity to him. It's only been a month, but I too am scared of getting into another relationship for fear that I'll go out with someone just like him, who'll use me just the same. Since wiping him from my life, I've had no contact either.. and everyday I check my phone and feel that horrible, cold, empty feeling of rejection through my vains.. the phone being empty is the CONSTANT reminder.. that little voice in the back of my head that tells me I was worth nothing to him.. that I meant nothing. I guess, even though we know it's over, we really want to know they desire us.. and feel they've made the biggest mistake of their lives letting us go.. but we have to accept it's over now.. and if they cared, they wouldn't of done what they did.But you can take comfort, as I can, in knowing that men like that are incapable of leading functional relationships in their lives.. and if he did that to you, he's going to do that to his next victim. My advice is to buy a good book on how to recover from a breakup.. (mine's on order).. and get some counselling to talk it through with a professional.. it's a great chance to ask questions to help you understand how this happened.. and what to look out for when you meet someone new.. not wanting to have the wool pulled over your eyes again.Keep in touch. I hope my advice is helpful.. it comes from someone suffering through that same gut-wrenching rejection from someone you truely loved :(
A
female
reader, slipperyslope1234  +, writes (13 February 2010):
I'm really sorry to hear your story. That's a tough one. I'd like to see what answers you get. I had a similar experience.
However dating through the internet doesn't really do much good in my opinion. Honestly, you wind up very confused as usually the guys you meet are 'dating' and getting to know several people at once. Everyone is looking too hard for their next great match. Although it works the odd time, I wouldn't recommend it given the kind of relationship you came out of. I think it's best to meet someone through an activity or passion when you're not exactly expecting find someone to date. I think men who are most devoted in relationships, for one, have more going for them than the average person in terms of a purpose or intellectual background. They are committed to a higher purpose in their lives. Just a thought. Getting over trust issues is never easy, but I hear it's possible. Also some men just can't be in a monogamous relationship, but that doesn't mean they're all like like that. Best of luck!
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