A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid.I am 24 and need some advice...I’m due to go on a trip in june, with my dad and his girlfriend...tickets have been paid for and now I’m not really wanting to go...I’ll be stuck on a yacht for 10 days, their friends are going but I will have no one to talk to around my age....And I don’t want to go because my mum has an alcoholic problem and I’m the only one who can take her to appointments, I don’t really want to go now because I keep thinking “if my dad hasn’t cheated my Mum wouldn’t be an alcoholic” (dads girlfriend isn’t the one he cheated with) but still it’s a very cruel situation as he moved her in to the house that still has my mothers possessions not even a year after my parents had separated..my Mum has been living out of suit cases for almost two years while my dad and his girlfriend are in my parents house with my dads girlfriends belongings in the house sitting pretty in the house while my mum suffers...Anyway, I would much rather fly to a different state and see my mums family as my cousin has had a baby, then sit on a boat for 10 days bored....I just don’t know what to do....
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 February 2018):
 You say you are due to go on the trip so am guessing that you did agree and now you have changed your mind. Well at 24 you are an adult so nobody can force you on this trip. However if your Dad paid for your ticket the very least that you can do is refund him the money for it as he should not have to pay. If you have already paid for it and you don't mind loosing the money then it is simple tell your Dad you are sorry but you cannot go anymore.
Why did you decide to go and now use your mother as an excuse? It is great that you help your mother but she also needs to stand on her own two feet as well. If she has a alcohol problem then she should go and get help for it and let you live your life. You cannot blame your Dad for your mother being an alcoholic. She is the one that made the choice to drink and she is the one that has the addiction. While it must have been hard for your mother dealing with infidelity you cannot blame your Dad for her choices. I agree with you that it is a cruel situation and it is not fair on your mother. Has she looked in to getting a divorce so that she gets what she is entitled to from the marriage and home? That is if they are infact married. Also you cannot hold it against your Dad that he is happy and your Mum is not. It has been two years so she is responsible for her own life as much as your Dad is responsible for his own. Stay out of it if you want to have a relationship with both parents.
You say you would rather fly to see your mothers family, yet you also said you didn't want to go as you were the only one that could take her to her appointments? So which one is it?
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (6 February 2018):
 There are two issues to deal with here:
Dad - say no. Tell him you appreciate it, but don't want to go and will pay for your ticket, if he can't get a refund or find someone else to go. He can't force you to go.
Mum - alcoholism doesn't just happen because someone got cheated on. Your mum would have had to have been inclined to drink before he cheated or been so mentally unstable that drinking was her *choice* of coping method. It's an addiction, absolutely, but she *chose* to start it. She needs rehab, not to be enabled by her daughter. That's what you're doing; not helping her.
If she hasn't been able to get back on her feet (to any degree) in two years, she hasn't found the right support for alcoholics who need treatment. She needs to accept that her husband cheating may have made her emotionally vulnerable to bad habits, but drinking alcohol to the point of becoming an alcoholic was a choice.
Find her a rehab situation and let her be a grown up again. You can't mother her the way you are. Support her, but don't enable her to waste her life on excuses. Live your own life, don't get involved with hers and your dad' said mess because it's not as clear cut as "he cheated, so she became an alcoholic" - it's "he cheated *and* she became an alcoholic". They may be linked, but one is not the cause of the other.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2018): If your over 18 years old. You have a choice. Don't go!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2018): Well, at 24, you are a legal adult and can thus say "no." I know this might make you feel bad at first, but this can prevent you from having a bad time and it will help you to stand up for yourself more regularly.
No one can make you go. They can yell, scream, guilt you, threaten, and beg, but no one can make you go. It's not like they can kidnap you, and if they tried, you have more than a good case for a restraining order. But let's not get too ahead of ourselves here.
Again, "no" is a complete sentence. Try to explain that, while you appreciate everything, it's just not your scene and you don't feel like you'd have fun or have much to offer the group. Hell, make something up if you have to. Use school, work, volunteer opportunities, or whatever else as an excuse. It's okay to stretch the truth to your abusers if it means you're safe and sound.
I know what it's like to be the only one my age around, with a bunch of drunk, malicious, mean, obnoxious people who refuse to leave you alone and not make fun of your every move. It's no place for someone sensitive and empathetic like you.
Your dad sounds like an asshole and it's best you stay far away from him. But also please know that your parents are adults with lives of their own, and they make their own decisions. Your mother's situation is very sad, yes, but ultimately it's hers to deal with. You are also an adult with a life of your own and it might be best to start helping your mother be more independent.
Thank you for reading this far. I hope this all goes super well for you and you're taking care of yourself. If you like, check out https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/ It has helped me tremendously in the past.
Good luck, much love, and peaceful days ahead for you. 3
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2018): Put on your big girl pants and be an adult and say no I am not going.
You are not 15, you do not HAVE to go! be a grown up! why are you even asking this?? you are an ADULT NOT a teen who has to do what Daddy says..
seriously grow up.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (5 February 2018):
Your mother’s alcoholism has nothing to do with your dad’s infidelity. It may make you and your mother feel better to blame him but that is not how alcoholism works.
If you don’t want to go on vacation with your father don’t go. You obviously hold a great deal of hostility and resentment toward your father. So tell him now so that he can get the money back for your ticket, if he can’t get the money back offer to pay him for the ticket even if you have to pay in installments. That way you won’t feel you owe him
But I have a question for you. You say you are the only one who can manage your mother’s appointments. How long do you plan to manage your mother’s appointments for her? And what are you going to give up to continue doing it. Dates? Your honeymoon? Family vacations for the rest of your life? Or is that just an excuse?
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