A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. Hoping someone can give me some advice in regards to my relationship. I'm a 32 year old woman and my boyfriend is the same age. We've been together coming up 5 years. Our relationship was on and off at the beginning. He would break up with me to see other women which hurt me deeply, but at the time I loved him so much and I decided that since he's being honest and upfront about what he's been doing, I always took him back, but I'd always be on edge, waiting for the next time for him to leave me. The anxiety would eat away at me at the thought of him breaking it off again, I would beg him not to leave again and asked if there was anything I could do to stop it from happening.I think it's important that I note that I have borderline personality disorder (BPD), so my emotions are always up and down, however during the 'honeymoon period', he could do no wrong in my eyes. I bought my own house in 2018 with the help of my grandparents, and he'd stay with me on weekends. He asked if he could move some gym equipment in as his parents wanted it out of their house and I agreed - it's been stuck in my spare room since and he hasn't used it once. He'd bring games when he came to stay, and would play on his console from the moment he arrived until he left. He moved in with me in 2019 as his parents were moving to a smaller property and he's been living with me ever since. He hasn't paid anything towards the mortgage or household bills since he moved in. He doesn't work and sits at home smoking weed while I have to work from home - in the bedroom full of his gym equipment. I asked him if he could move some of it out as it doesn't get used and his response was exactly this - "if the gym stuff has to go, I'll go with it." At the time I was so deeply in love with him, that any mention of him leaving me would set me off, and I'd beg him to stay. In September last year, I got friendly with a man I met at my local pub while out with my friends. He's 8 years younger than I am, but we really hit it off. He knew about my boyfriend and said I should get him to move out as its unfair on me that he doesn't contribute to anything. I listened to this man because I felt like he had my best interests at heart, so that night after work, I told him I don't want to be with him anymore and that I want him to move out. He cried and begged me to give him another chance. Foolishly, I agreed because I felt so guilty. He said he can't move back to his parents because he's independent now and would feel like a failure for moving back home. I asked him to try and sell the gym equipment as it wasn't being used but he got angry and said I'm making him sell his belongings. I explained all I want is a nice space to work from but he thinks it's okay for me to work in a cramped room, while he's downstairs lounging in front of the TV smoking cannabis. He also naps midday so if I come down for a break, I have to be quiet because he says he doesn't sleep well at night. We don't sleep in the same room - I go to bed and he sleeps on the sofa. That was his choice. Since asking him to leave, I've realised I don't love him anymore. What I felt at the beginning is now non existent and every single thing he does annoys me.He knows I don't love him and he knows I want him to leave, but he's been extra nice to me for a while now. Walking my dog, bringing cups of tea to me while I'm working upstairs, he tries to be affectionate but I can't bare to be near him. We used to have a reasonably active sex life but now I can't bare the thought of him touching me. We haven't had sex since December. I'm at the point where I don't care if he wants to see other women now because I have no interest in him, but every time I ask him to leave, he cries and begs me. In the end, he makes me feel so guilty that I end up letting him stay. I don't want to be with him anymore, but he's being extra nice to me. I know why, because he's worried about having to leave but I feel so guilty at the thought of having the conversation again because I know he'll cry and beg for another chance. I don't want to keep going round in circles with him but I can't deal with feeling guilty ??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2021): Nothing is stopping him from leaving but you. You may write and ask for our advice at DC; but it is highly unlikely you will use it. I'd almost bet money on it!
He'll simply cry some crocodile-tears, and plead with you; and you'll let him stay.
When a person becomes fed-up and determined; then, and only then, will they do what they have to do!
Loving a no-good loser unconditionally, until he causes you psychological trauma; or nearly kills you, is just downright foolishness! How can you love someone who isn't loving you back!
You have to realize your feelings are purely infatuation, and that he is only using you. Then you will develop the courage and resolve to kick his bum to the curb! Once and for all! No amount of tears, begging, or groveling will change your mind! You are more than welcome to come to us to seek comfort and vent your feelings. Then you have to get serious!
I'm going to use tough love here, because getting through emotions is like running head-on into a brick wall.
If you're serious about him leaving, start the legal procedure of eviction. Call a lawyer for legal advice, as sometimes eviction statutes can differ in different provinces. Know your rights, and notify your local police that you have an ex-boyfriend who refuses to move out of your house. In any case, you have to formally evict him.
Don't waste anybody's time if you're just going to turn-around and let him stay. Legal advice is only good if you decide to fully execute it through it's completion.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (9 March 2021):
 OP, of course he is being nice to you, he does not want to go back to his parents, as he is independent now. I'm sorry, to say he is independent now is a joke.
You have done well for yourself, you have your own place, pay the bills, and he has been lapping it up, living there for nothing, sponging off of you, sleeping in the day, playing games, and smoking pot.
The reason he sleeps during the day is because he is up all night on his games. Then you tip toe around him because you don't want to wake him in the day.
You place is a mess with his junk, OP I'm sorry but you have got to toughen up and stop letting take advantage of you, he has to go, end of.
For want of better words he is a lazy good for nothing leech. You say you don't love him anymore, infact you don't want him anywhere near you. So why is he still there taking advantage of you?.
Stop fooling for his guilt fake card, you and I both know he is full of S**T.
Talk to your family and friends, don't do this on your own. Get a support network. I would not be to concerned about booting him and where he goes op, this is not your concern.
Seek legal advice, then change the locks and get this loser out of your life once and for all.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 March 2021):
 Sorry but I had to laugh at the part where you wrote that he couldn't go back to his parents because he classes himself as an "independent man". On what planet is this man-child independent? You are supporting him and yourself while he lounges around, spending his money on pot and playing games. He simply moved from one parasitic location to another.
You know the "nice" face is just to get his own way and keep a free roof over his head. This cynical individual knows exactly how to manipulate you and you are allowing it. He knows you well enough to know you will allow guilt to hold you back. You now need to prove him wrong by being strong enough to insist on what you want.
What have YOU to feel guilty about? You have supported this lazy good-for-nothing parasite for the last couple of years with no gratitude whatsoever. He uses your house as free lodgings and free storage for his rubbish. He expects you to be inconvenienced just so he can keep stuff he has never used. YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Tell him he needs to make plans and move out. Give him a time limit - say two weeks - and tell him that, if he has not moved out by then, you will be taking legal action to remove him from the property. Whether he moves back to his parents or elsewhere is his problem and not yours. This is not a helpless child or animal you are throwing out onto the street. He is a grown man who is versed in the art of manipulation and living off others. You need to remember that he is doing this because he knows he can get away with it. When he starts playing the guilt card, tell him, in a loud clear voice, "I have nothing to feel guilty about. You have sponged off me for two years. You have used my house as free lodgings and storage. I have now had enough and you need to move out."
Stay strong and stick to your guns.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2021): Ask him to leave and be firm and mean it and don't give in to his crys and beggings and as soon as he leaves change the front door locks. Block him on all your contact means. Looking after a junkie. Honestly!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 March 2021):
 Call Citizen's Advice and ask how you evict a person from your house.
Then DO that. Serve him with papers, if he won't leave call the Police.
Or send him to the store for something, change the locks while he is out, pack his shit and leave it on the stoop, and don't let him in or give him a new key.
The only person holding YOU back from moving on is YOU. By falling for his BULLSHIT and not standing your ground and kicking him out.
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