A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I posted on DC some time back... I actually posted twice and I got a lot of advice. This is my first post: ________________________.... so i've been married for over 7 years and I must say I love my husband very much. We've had our ups and downs but we've got through it all. I've noticed however, that since recently he seems to be getting more annoyed with me all the time and he keeps picking on me about my looks... the way I do things... my behavior... etc. I get up every morning and cook for him and have food ready for him when he comes home too.This has been going on for a while and I asked him not to do it a few days ago and he got upset and started complaining about me. He told me that he doesn't care if i leave him or choose to stay with him. He said that if i want him to stop picking on me then i have to change too. Then I asked him what about myself I should change. Then he said he's sick of having to ask me to sweep the house and do stuff... I was really confused. Yes, I don't keep the house clean 100% all the time. But I do a lot of work. I do ALL the housework and I'm studying and I'm working too. He doesn't do any of that, he comes home from work and plays video games or watches movies and stuff. I got really hurt that day because he said so many hurtful things and honestly, I was ready to end the marriage. It looked like that's what he wanted. I've been sleeping on the couch because I didn't want to go to the room, I felt so sad and disappointed in everything. I feel like I'm not good enough and he makes me feel that way all the time. He even picks on me in front of other people.I just turned 30. Since I did, he always picks on me saying I'm old. I know he's just kidding but it still makes me feel bad to have to hear that ALL the time. Then he picks on me for being fat. Actually, I'm not fat, I go to gym and work out very hard. He fusses a lot if i ever eat something unhealthy. He doesn't like me being on the laptop all the time, but I work online so what can I do about that! And maybe I would pay more attention to him if he just stops his video games for a while and spends time with me. He is always trying to change me.Now after 4 nights of me sleeping on the couch, he came over and was laying on my feet which I understand means that he wants to fix things. However, I feel like I have completely fallen out of love with him. I don't know what to do anymore. The idea of going back to that way of living terrifies me. As hard as it is, I felt happy to live on my own... it was better than suffering in a marriage like this where i always feel under pressure... I'm happy we don't have kids yet... or it would be such a mess. What can i do... am i bad for not having any feelings any more for him?______________________And this is my second post: ______________________It has been two weeks now since that first fight and things have got worse. He tried again to make things better but when I tried to talk to him, he didn't want to and when we finally started talking, he wouldn't let me talk and accused me of having a relationship with someone else. I have been loyal to him since the day we got married.My husband told me that he will be moving out in a week and that he already found a place. I feel sad... I can't imagine life without him but I don't know if I can actually go back to being with him the way I did before,... if he still wants to that is. It seems he doesn't want to and even cousin couldn't convince him to stay.I'm really heartbroken because I have done nothing but love him and be loyal to him since day one. I miss the old days when life was simpler and things were different between us. I have tried in the past to change things, tried to get it back to the way it was, but it has never worked.I already miss him even though he is still here. I have lost my passion for exercising and can barely get off the couch... I don't know if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life by letting him ago... but then again, he yelled at me and asked me to let him go. How can I force him to stay then...I feel really helpless and lost... I've googled and read so many articles on how to deal with separation and divorce... it's easier said than done. I don't know how to move on... also, once he moves, I'll have to sleep in the room where we used to sleep. The room where he is sleeping now... (I'm still on the couch). I wish I could move from this place to another but it's way too expensive for me right now.Does it ever get better? That's probably a dumb question but I feel so horrible right now, I don't know what to do. I was talking to my sister over the phone for hours but as soon as she hung up, I feel sad again...___________________________So one week after my second post, my husband planned to move out but before that, we had another huge fight. It was quite horrible and I grabbed my bag and left the house. But then, he messaged me asking me to come back home and saying that he had something important to tell me. So I did. I went back home and as soon as he saw me, he knelt down in front of me and hugged my legs and cried, saying he doesn't want to fight anymore and that he can't live without me. After that, we had a calm conversation. But I didn't have any feelings any more, I was dead inside. He understood that and he even said 'I feel like you're not in this anymore'. It's been two weeks since then and we're trying to make things work. I can see he's really putting in the effort and he helps me around the house now and is being very sweet. But I still feel that he wants to change me as much as possible. It makes me feel as though I'm not good enough the way I am. For example, he really wants me to change my hair and get braids done but I don't like it because I don't feel it would suit me. When I said that, he wouldn't accept it. Instead, he kept saying that I should try it and I would look nice with it and I'm just like my dad because I don't like change. That's not even true. I do like to try different things but not things I don't like. When I tell him that, he says that I should learn to try different things. He once told me very politely not to get angry with him, but that he feels that I have lost my character and my identity. That made me really sad. When thinking about it, I realized that yes, I have. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to know how I wanted to dress and the things I like to do. Now, I feel lost. Just so lost. I have lost myself in the process of trying to please him and always make him happy.Even though things are kind of ok now, I always have this weird feeling that something is gonna happen again and we're gonna end up fighting again soon because we're both being strangely polite all the time that its' weird. I've realized I'm not happy in my marriage anymore. I think the whole last month of dealing with this hurt has killed my feelings. I'm trying hard but I don't love him like I used to. I mean, I do love him and care a lot, but not in the same way. And now... I don't know what to do. I can't bring myself to look into his eyes and tell him that I want to leave. I'm afraid of what might happen after that and I don't know if I can ever be happy and live without guilt after breaking his heart like that. I try to avoid having sex as much as possible. I'm happy when he's not at home. When I look at him, I find it hard to think about him as the man I used to love so much with every fiber of my being. Every time I look at him makes me sad and sometimes I start crying out of the blue because I just have so much going on inside me and I can't contain it. I've realized that I would be really happy if he finds another girl or tells me that he's sick of me and wants to break up. I would gladly do it and I'd be happy knowing that he's ok. The saddest part is I know he's not a BAD person. He hasn't abused me physically or cheated on me. And if I leave him, I would probably ruin his life. So I think I'm stuck... I honestly don't know why I'm posting this in DC because I have a feeling that the only solution is to tell him how I feel. I'm just posting because I feel like i'm getting it off my chest... I suppose. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, aren't I?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2022): Thank you guys for your replies. I'm the OP.
He's trying so hard to be nice and fix things but I'm still not feeling it and I feel like I will never... I feel even worse now because he's being so good and sweet and trying to make me happy but I just don't feel it. I feel guilty!!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 June 2022):
 I also remember your posts.
I have to ask this,
Why do you think: "And if I leave him, I would probably ruin his life. " ? If you stay you will end up resenting him. You already do a little right now, if you feel obligated to stay you will resent him more.
If you think you would be HAPPIER on your own, don't you think he might find that he will be happier too? He might even find someone who WANTS to be with him. Someone who WANTS to have sex with him, spend time with him, etc.
You can leave a marriage. You don't HAVE to suffer abuse to be "allowed" to leave.
A few weeks of him being nice and helping out at home doesn't make up for the years he didn't DO any of that,
Unfortunately, YOU have checked out of the marriage. You are done.
Right now all you are doing is postponing the inevitable. Dragging things out. While he is TRYING to do better, it is perhaps a day late and a dollar short on effort from him.
You are now waiting on the NEXT argument. The next fight. Is that a way to live?
Perhaps what you two should consider is legal separation with some common rules. Like, no dating others, no sex with other people, getting some individual counseling, maybe even couples counseling, and limited contact.
Then give it 6 months and see. I think living together and pretending you can "just" start fresh is unrealistic. There is a lot of water under the bridge, a lot of baggage, and history here.
It makes sense that you WANT him to fond someone else and dumps you, because it takes the responsibility of you to end the marriage. The thing is, YOU are done. Don't string him along because you don't want to be the "bad guy" That isn't fair.
If you don't want to do the trial separation, that is OK to. You both deserve to live a life you WANT to live.
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake  +, writes (2 June 2022):
 Yes, I remember your other posts.
Think your marriage has just died, honestly. Abd it’s not your fault, it’s because of the way he treated you. He may not have physically abused you, but he has emotionally. And as much as you can try to make it work, you probably won’t be able to just forget how he has treated you. Unless he does something miraculous, but even then, it’d be strained at best.
Maybe try marriage counselling? That really seems like the last option.
Personally, I would flip him off. It’s not your fault he treated you like this. From your previous post he sounded like he wanted a house maid rather than a wife. You shouldn’t have to sweep up the floor every single day. If he has a problem, he should do it.
If you leave, it wouldn’t be your fault that his life would be “miserable“. It is his own fault for the way he’s treated you. But if you do want to make this work, I’d recommend some form of marriage counselling, and some therapy for yourself individually. As I said, it seems like the only option right now.
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (2 June 2022):
Yes, I remember your other posts.
Think your marriage has just died, honestly. Abd it’s not your fault, it’s because of the way he treated you. He may not have physically abused you, but he has emotionally. And as much as you can try to make it work, you probably won’t be able to just forget how he has treated you. Unless he does something miraculous, but even then, it’d be strained at best.
Maybe try marriage counselling? That really seems like the last option.
Personally, I would flip him off. It’s not your fault he treated you like this. From your previous post he sounded like he wanted a house maid rather than a wife. You shouldn’t have to sweep up the floor every single day. If he has a problem, he should do it.
If you leave, it wouldn’t be your fault that his life would be “miserable“. It is his own fault for the way he’s treated you. But if you do want to make this work, I’d recommend some form of marriage counselling, and some therapy for yourself individually. As I said, it seems like the only option right now.
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (2 June 2022):
Yes, I remember your other posts.
Think your marriage has just died, honestly. Abd it’s not your fault, it’s because of the way he treated you. He may not have physically abused you, but he has emotionally. And as much as you can try to make it work, you probably won’t be able to just forget how he has treated you. Unless he does something miraculous, but even then, it’d be strained at best.
Maybe try marriage counselling? That really seems like the last option.
Personally, I would flip him off. It’s not your fault he treated you like this. From your previous post he sounded like he wanted a house maid rather than a wife. You shouldn’t have to sweep up the floor every single day. If he has a problem, he should do it.
If you leave, it wouldn’t be your fault that his life would be “miserable“. It is his own fault for the way he’s treated you. But if you do want to make this work, I’d recommend some form of marriage counselling, and some therapy for yourself individually. As I said, it seems like the only option right now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2022): You are not responsible for his happiness or well-being. He's an adult.
Google co-dependance.
If you can financially manage it, leave.
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