A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I don't love my husband, I like him, but something has died. He's still my best friend but we've grown apart. We've been married 29 years and have no children of our own, but two sons from his first marriage - he was widowed. He's 19 years older than me. I trusted him totally but he had an affair about 5 years ago and I was devastated. Even more so when I discovered it had carried on after I had found out and confronted him. The sex is almost non-existent in our relationship. He then tried to start another affair earlier this year and I nearly left but he begged me to stay. Finances are difficult, non existant, and at 52 I feel too old to sleep on someone else's floor! I owe it to myself to leave but don't want to hurt him. He refuses to go to counselling. I know I should look after myself first but ...... I like a good social life and friends just ran a mile and invites just seem to dry up completley once people knew we were having 'problems'. It seems you get invited as couple but not as a single. I am not sure who I am either and exactly what I want but I do know I feel oppressed and dull in this relationship. I do like his company and he is my best friend. I don't want to stay so that the last drop of affection is squeezed out of the relationship but I am not sure I have courage to leave. Help. Should I leave?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): Thank you all so much for your advise. Reading your responses sharpens my resolution and cuts through all the surface emotion that I am using to try and not face reality. It feels selfish wanting to do whats best for me for a change, but really reassuring to read your wise words.
I keep re-reading, and I think at last the scales are falling from my eyes. I will be slightly more measured that just walking out, but I am now looking for somewhere else to stay and then I am going to take that step to freedom.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (9 May 2009):
 I think that given your stage of life, and the fact that he doesn't seem to see you as a sexual partner at all now (having gone elsewhere, and still attempting to do so), then you deserve much much more joy in your life.
It's not as if you are desperately pining for his love and he is rejecting you. You seem quite disconnected from him. And, to be honest, you don't need to have someone in their 70s. This might sound mean, but is he too bloody old for you now! It just isn't fair. What are you supposed to do? Just wither away?? No. It's not right.
I know women in their early 50s who have husbands or boyfriends in their 30s. Can you imagine what an extraordinary impact something like that would have on your life? And these women are radiant - happy, loved, fulfilled, and young. They feel like teenagers.
I'm not saying you need a 30 year old, but I think you can jolly well do without a 70 year old who doesn't even want you. OK, he depends heavily on you emotionally - but he can do that from his separate home! You can still talk, see each other, support each other - but I think you really should separate your private life from his. Give yourself a chance. Please. I feel so sorry for you! It may feel like an impossible challenge, to free yourself, but I'm sure you can do it. Just go away, and then don't come back. And then tell him you aren't coming back. And then when the dust has settled and he has got used to it, go back and collect your things. Go to the gym. Luxuriate in life. Someone new and exciting and, crucially, for you, will come along.
I know also someone said your husband might not last that long (sorry - not a nice thing to say!), but on the other hand, he might live to 120! And then where will you be? Don't sacrifice your life. It is so worth living.
nx
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