A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:OK, there are so many part to this story I don't really know where to start. Basically, I've been with my partner for nearly 5 years (I'm 20 years old), we have lived together for over 2 years and got engaged in 2008. I thought he was the perfect guy for me but I've realised recently that I'm just not in love with him anymore.We have a great time together and get along great but I now just look at him like a brother or a best friend. I have no sexual feelings towards him and have no urge to be affectionate towards him in a physical sense. I know he has begun to notice this and I don't want to mess with his head but I also want to be sure I'm doing the right thing. He's a lovely, lovely guy but I just don't want to be with him anymore and the anxiety and stress is really getting me down. I really don't want to hurt him because I care about him so much but I don't want to stay in the relationship just to make him happy because that wouldn't be fair on either of us. He's supported me through a lot, such as when my dad died when I was 17 and we've been through a lot as a couple but I just feel I need to start a new chapter of my life and I want to do it alone.For the last 2 years and more I've been leading the life of someone twice my age, working, cooking, cleaning etc and looking after him. I just feel like I need the chance to have some fun and do something for me. The other thing is that this would mean moving back in with my Mum. She has a boyfriend who I despise and I think I would find this really difficult. My partner and I also have many mutual friends and I worry I would lose them if we broke up. I also worry about being lonely and not meeting anyone else.I'm so in limbo at the moment and its really getting me down. Please give me some advice!!
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, engaged, has a boyfriend, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, SallyDeez  +, writes (31 July 2010):
If you want to take a chance at salvaging it... Try to make your relationship with him an open one. Invite some excitement and drama in to the situation, and I promise you, it will not only make it easier to leave if it fails but it will introduce you to many new people along the way. It may make it easier for him to take the loss too, because he will have outside experience from you. You may both come to find that you are more satisfied by other people.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): Your boyfriend went wrong by doing too much for you--NOW you have lost interest. The same happens to a woman who does too much for a man. I will tell anyone in a relationship ALWAYS KEEP A LITTLE BIT OF DISTANCE. Have your own life, do your own thing, don't be afraid to say "no." Most people do not appreciate the things being done for them esp. when they know the other person cares more about the relationship than they do.
There is nothing to be in limbo about--you don' t love him and probably have felt this way long before now and you aren't afraid of hurting him per say...you are afraid that if you leave him, you will not find someone who will treat you as good as he did, plus all the added stuff you may want in a relationship. You don't want to be alone..so you stay for saftey and comfort.
You would do better by telling your bf the truth...if he cares about and loves you, he is going to be hurt regardless--if you stay, he will be hurt because, he will feel the distant between the two of you and if you leave he will be hurt. It's just best to end it asap and do it in a decent and respectful manner. Don't worry about hurting his feelings (you aren't anyways in my opinion) and who cares if you are alone---that is the price you pay when you leave a relationship for the right or wrong reasons. Also, once you leave this guy, don't go back to him, don't contact him, don't use him, don't go running back to if you can't find anybody else, or if things don't work out with future relationships. JUST MOVE ON. Erase all contant info that way when you are tempted to call or contact this guy, you won't be able too.
You can't force feelings that you don't have---and there is nothing wrong with that. Where most people go wrong is when they know they don't love or care about the person, yet they stay and treat the person bad by cheating and lying. Just move on...you don't have to resort to that sort of behavior. If you dont' love the person, why be with them? Why carry on a relationship that is meaningless? That is insane to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): The biggest mistake you made is not letting yourself to grow! You have been with this man for 5 years and you are 20!!! Wow, ever since you were 15 years old you have been in a serious relationship, which can be unhealthy for a growing adolescent. I say, get yourself an education and meet people!!! Stop being a housewife!! You can do better than that!!! You are still young and there are many opportunities for you out there and just think about your needs at this point. Do what you think is right for you. Only you can write your own story!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): Ok, definitely do it. You know you wont be happy with him, break it off. Live your life the way you want, be independent! My mother made the mistake of staying with my father for years. She didn't love him anymore, and was absolutely miserable. She stayed with him and pushed through her misery because she was considerate of his feelings, and because, as you had mentioned, she was worried about how it may effect her family and friends. As of a year ago, she filed for divorce, and i can tell you that it was the best thing she's ever done for herself. She can live her life in peace and happiness, without having to take care of someone she no longer loves. If you are truly unhappy in your relationship, break up with him. Tell him the things you mentioned in your blog, maybe even get him to read it if you're that worried. However you do it, let him know how you feel. He may even understand and you two can continue to have a strong friendship.
...............................
A
male
reader, Lookingforwisdom +, writes (29 July 2010):
This is a sad situation, but we all have to go through one or two in our lifetimes. The best answer to your question is be honest with him as there's clearly no future to the relationship. Be as gentle with him as you can, because this is really going to suck for him, and understand that his most likely reaction will swing between sadness and anger so be ready for it. Also try and avoid using the cliche'd phrase "you're still my best friend" because that adds an extra sting in it for guys. The sooner you get this over with the better, so just grit your teeth and do it, it will be a hard month or two but your going to have to deal with it at some stage, and it's fairer to him for you to deal with it sooner rather than later. Ask yourself if you definitely have no other option than to move back in with your mother.
Good luck.
...............................
|
