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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I don't like porn. Is that so wrong? I've read many questions about porn, and the responses are always something like "Get over it, it's just a video, porn is great, watch it with him, grow up, all men do it...".But I don't like it. I've watched it with him, I've watched it alone. And I don't like it. I don't think that just because I don't like porn I'm not allowed to find love. Because most people say "Well, cut him some slack and break up and find a guy who doesn't watch porn". But they all do... I've not met a single one who doesn't. I mean, what's wrong with my disliking of it? We've talked. I told him to keep it out of my sight as much as he can. That I don't like it if he watches it, but I'm not gonna make him change. However, he wants to change me.You see, I feel insecure, because HONESTLY, I'm not the best looking girl in town and they have just perfect bodies and faces and all. And even though he says he loves me and prefers me, well, yeah, basically he's getting turned on by other women, right? Just as he can't help getting turned on by other women (because it's not about the acts... he seldom watches videos of sex, it's more videos of women stripping, girl on girl, etc.), I can't help feeling inadequate. Especially since they fulfill fantasies that I can't: big boobs and girl-on-girl. Of course I feel insecure.But he wants me to STOP feeling insecure. Look, I tolerate that he watches the stuff, as long as he doesn't tell me about it. Just be content with that, but don't force me to change my feelings. I will never feel secure with him getting turned on by other women. He should be thankful I haven't asked him to stop, right? How can I make him see that I have a right to feel inadequate if I don't like porn. Not everyone can be a porn loving girlfriend... sorry. If he loves me he has to accept it, right? Just like I try to accept his porn viewing. But he says I make him feel "guilty" and that he can't "enjoy it fully" because I feel insecure.I don't like how society portrays women, and how we're expected to just deal with it and get used to it... but I have to because I can't change society, right? Is it too much to ask that he accepts my feelings?
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 You attitude seems okay. The whole thing about porn to me is like smoking. If I don't like it that my gf smokes, I should get a different gf. But a good deal would be that she smokes only outside and not in my presence. I don't have the right to make her stop smoking but neither should she try to get me started.
All men watch porn. No. A LOT of men watch porn when no woman is present. Using porn while with a woman still seems a bit redundant to me. Perhaps it is because as a teen I spent WAAAAAY to much time DIYing but if there is a willing woman present why on earth should you want to look at 2D images?
You choose a guy that seems to need/want porn even in a relationship. While I don't agree with it, I do ask you to remember that Harlequin publishes ITS female porn 4 times a month while the likes of playboy only come out 1x a month. Who is the bigger porn user? What is the difference between Pamela Anderson running in slow motion accross a beach and the dozens of Doctor's McDreamy's and whatnot?
The media potray's both men and women in an unrealistic fashion. You can either let it get you down or accept that fantasy is just that. Fantasy.
Harlequin just published its 3000 girl porn book in holland and all the newspapers paid attention to it. They told some of the secrets of a typical novel. The guy is ALWAYS some exotic guy, super rich, older, and extremly confident. They tried ONCE with a shy guy and it was a disaster.
Yeah, it is WOMEN who are portrayed unrealisticly. Because everyone knows single 35 year old arab princes are a dime a dozen.
Do I let myself get down because I am not a super rich hunk? Hell no, I look in the mirror and see perfection. You look in the mirror and see imperfections.
Sure, you bf's behavior doesn't help BUT it is you that choose him. Nobody forced you. So either you deal with your insecurities or find someone who doesn't make you feel insecure.
The choice is really up to you. You can rant all you want about society, but you are not going to change it. The only things you can change is who you are with and yourself. Make a choice.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 I'm with you. There's nothing wrong with not liking porn. (although, what he watches has nothing to do with you, he just likes watching a little fantasy, doesn't mean he doesn't love you, etc) I think it's fine to say "don't tell me about it" and I think it's a dick move on his part to insist that you must be OK with it. His insecurity about it is his problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): I know, pinktopaz. But he watches girls that look nothing like me. I don't ask him to stop. Just to please accept and understand my feelings. I'm not confident enough to handle it, or to get over it just yet. I've been treated like dirt before. So yeah, it's harder for me to overcome it.If I was a hot girl, maybe it wouldn't affect me this much. Sadly, I've been told numerous times by numerous people how I'm unattractive. I have small breasts and an ugly face. So that's a huge factor. These women are all gorgeous and have big breasts, that, even though surgically augmented, look better than my tiny ones.I know he chose me out of everyone else. That's awesome... especially since he chose me for my personality and interests. Not for my body or face. Of course I'm not hideous, but a lot of women are more beautiful than me. And sadly, men are very visual when it comes to sex. So yes, my personality is great for love, because of the companionship I can provide him, and because I probably make very interesting talk. But when it comes to sex, I'm sure he'd enjoy it a lot more if I had a body to match my winning personality. But I don't, that's why when I know he's watched porn I feel insecure.I don't think it's wrong of me to feel like this. I can't help it. I'm not even asking him to stop watching porn, I just want him to acknowledge and respect my feelings.
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A
female
reader, Tarianna  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 no...
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (11 July 2009):
There's nothing wrong with disliking it, but it's just something you have to accept. However, I do think someone can change their insecurities, that's just something you have to figure out for yourself.
Maybe you don't think that this even compares, but say you don't like football. You don't like to watch it with him and you don't like to watch it yourself, but he likes to watch it and pay attention to that. To me, it's the same thing. Guys can get turned on by anything. Even if it's not porn, it can be some other person. Their minds wander and get turned on by the dumbest things that don't even have to do with porn.
Even the hottest girls out there have boyfriends that watch porn. It has nothing to do with your looks or anything to do with you at all.
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A
female
reader, r0ckah0l1c +, writes (11 July 2009):
I just went through these same exact issues and thankfully my boyfriend is mature enough that he decided porn is a luxury and after thinking it over the idea of it no longer excites him and he would rather have sex with me when he feels the urge to look at porn. Atleast your man is being honest with you, but I agree that it is sad that we are expected to accept these social standards of all men viewing porn. Very few men don't like it, however it is not to much to ask that he respects your feelings. If he can not respect you, you do not need him. It sounds like you have tried your hardest to accept porn but you just are repulsed by it, as am I.
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