A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am going through a divorce and should be finalize this month. My ex has been living with his girlfriend and her two kids for a year now. We have joint custody of our 7 year old little girl. My question is this. My daughter told me that when she is over at her Dad, they told her to call his girlfriend "Mom'. Of course this upset me very much. I sent a polite email to the ex requesting that she only call me her mom and him her Dad. He responded back with an angry response saying to stay out of his business when she's over there, and I am insecure and immature. He said our daughter decided on her own to call his girlfriend Mom because his girlfriend's kids call him Dad. anyway, I just want to know if I'm right for feeling this way. Or am I really over reacting and feeling insecure like he says. This man put me through hell. He left the 8 year marriage, yet seems to be so angry with me, always making me feel like shit. I don't even know what's right and wrong anymore. any advice is helful. thanks.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (25 August 2011):
 I know this hurts YOU (from personal experience!) but how does your daughter feel?
As hard as it is-do not let your daughter see how much it hurts you, she might feel like she has to choose between sides and walk on eggshells to protect the feelings of adults. She is only 7 years old, so she shouldnt have to be a pawn in silly headgames of the adults.
Regardless with what she calls the other woman-focus on your bond that you have with your daughter. You are always and will always be her real Mom.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 August 2011):
 The only issue is if your DAUGHTER initiated calling your ex's G/F "Mom". IF she did... then accept it and don't make much of an issue of it. IF she DIDN'T.... and, especially, if she would prefer NOT TO DO SO... then tell ex-hubby that it is to cease immediately.... OR, you will seek relief in the courts...
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): It is a difficult situation to be in and I am sorry you have to go through this. Your daughter may find it easier because the other children are calling her that. I know myself that with older parents, I grew up surrounded by my nieces and nephews and we would called my parents mom-nan and dad-pop because we would just get so confused calling them something different. It may be as simple as that. With that being said, you have the right to decide whether your child calls someone else Mom, and your feelings are valid. You may be feeling a little insecure, but after a divorce that is natural. Your daughter could call a million women Mom, but she stills knows that you are the only real Mom she has and loves you with every fibre of her being. As for him saying stay out his business when she is over there, you are her mother and whatever happens with her is your business, and you do have a right to make certain requests of him, and he should respect that. I am sure that he will have things that concern him and he wouldn't hesitate to get into your business if he was upset. I hope this helps, and good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): I think your right for feeling that way, i mean its YOUR child not this other womans so dont see how she has the right to be called mum, your that childs mum not her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): First of all, there is no right and wrong in this situation - every family is different, and works by different rules.
I'm not surprised that you're upset, though - it must have been a huge shock to hear that your own daughter was calling someone else 'mom'. Many women would find that devastating.
I suggest that you deal with this with your daughter, rather than with your ex partner. Clearly, you are simply not going to get anywhere talking to him - from what you say, he has never respected your feelings to date, so why on earth would he start being the nice guy now?
Sit your daughter down, and talk to her - but do it as you would talk to an adult friend, not to a kid. Trust her to have the emotional capacity to handle this - she's 14, and she may surprise you! Don't demand that she calls you anything (you can't force this), or tell her she has to do anything. Instead, show her that when you heard that she called someone else 'mom', you were really hurt. Try to describe to her how you felt physically and mentally in some detail, because sometimes kids have problems empathizing. If you cry, that's actually fine too. Make sure she's absolutely clear that you're NOT blaming her, or accusing her of being a bad kid - in fact, say 'I know you didn't do this to hurt me...'.
Make sure she understands that you're really, really happy that she gets along so well with your ex and his new partner (even if you're not). Say that you think it's great that she has that extra support in her life, and make sure she understands that she's not being asked to choose between your family and your ex's. Say some nice things about the other woman (even if you don't feel them). Then tell her you love her to death.
Hopefully, when she hears you opening up like this, she will not just feel but actually SEE what her behaviour is doing to you. And hopefully she'll make adjustments herself to ensure that you're 'mom' and the other woman is 'her first name'. Let her do it HERSELF though - it's not only important for her to feel like she's in control, but also it's giving her an important piece of adult responsibility.
However, at the same time, do bear in mind that she is just 14 - sometimes it takes kids a few years to understand the full emotional force of their behaviour. In fact, it's common for kids only to start valuing their moms properly in their early 20s. Suffice it to say: whomever she calls 'mom' right now, the bond between the pair of you is undying and special and can never be erased by anyone else. Whatever she might say now, and for the next few years, you will always be 'mom' in her heart.
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