A
male
age
26-29,
*le
writes:So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months and I have a problem with him physically. He is 6 feet tall and has nice big arms, which I like, but he has a huge belly from years of living a sedentary life style. He's 22. He used to be anorexic when he was in his teens and now sees his body as being average. But during sex his belly crushes me and slaps against me. I find it so unattractive and I told him this for the first time yesterday. He cried because he thinks I'm not attracted to him. I told him that I am attracted to him, just not every part of him and he told me that he's attracted to every part of me and that it upsets him that I don't feel the same. I love him and he even started going to the gym to please me a few months after we started dating. But he can't seem to see that he is out of shape. He keeps telling me that he is going to the gym to get bigger muscles and to look more attractive to me. But I honestly just want his belly gone. It bothers me so much and it upsets me that me thinks having a stomach that pokes through your shirt past your chest and hangs over your jeans is normal. I am a very fit person. I go to the gym everyday because I want to stay healthy. I want him to go to the gym not because I said so, but because he wants to live healthy and extend his life. He does not understand this. He also thinks that me wanting his body fat gone means that I want him to be anorexic again, but I dont. I love the size he is. I just want less belly. How do I make him see this?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 September 2014):
 OP, you need to realize that at your age if he has a belly now, it will only get worse with age even if he learns to eat right and learns to love working out for himself.
It is NOT shallow to have a particular body type you prefer.
If you "just live with his belly" wow... that hurts. and it's wrong.
What is love? love is when my hubby looks at a size 10 woman on TV and pronounces her "fat" but my size 12 body is NOT FAT to him. TO HIM I am perfect....
all you see when you look at your guy is "a belly I will have to learn to live with".... until you look at him belly an all and love all of him it's a lie to you and him and that's setting yourself up for trouble later on.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 You didn't take my advice though, you chickened out. Because you are afraid to be seen as shallow, you refuse to let him go. You are in effect denying him the chance to be with someone who truly loves him, how he LOOKS as well as what a great person he is. You're settling! All this "I want to be with him forever" is just fluff. It's cute words that sound great and amazing and are full of dreams and fantasy and rainbows and puppies and world peace. It's NOT reality. Reality is you do not want to be with him forever. You are in love with an IDEA of who he is, not who he actually is. You already mentioned so many problems and conflicts, and it's been FOUR MONTHS. You do not KNOW this guy, you can not possibly claim to know you want to be with him forever, and all you know so far is that you aren't attracted to him.
So what if he still goes to the gym? Good for him! But so what? He still looks like what he looks like. My overweight ex bf also claimed to love going to the gym. And he went as well. I went with him one time, to check it out, and you know what... he was just "maintaining" himself. Not actually working out at all, just walking around at the gym lifting a few weights and didn't even break a sweat. Then went home to eat candy and drink sodas.
You have a lifestyle incompatibility. Him starting to hit the gym is good for him, it's a start, but he's years and years away from being anywhere near your lifestyle.
You said yes to date him out of pity, and because you wanted to show how amazingly "deep" you are. But you're just human like the rest of us, and you have your preferences. The sooner you face this reality, the better. You and him should not be together. You aren't attracted to him. Even if he looses some weight, he will never be thin or fit. He will probably always have belly fat. He will probably gain weight again in periods. You can't say you want to be with him forever when what you want is a fantasy of him. You want him, if only he was thinner. If only he didn't have the belly. If only this or that. You can not love someone for their POTENTIAL. You do not love him and his looks, you said so yourself. Good for you for being honest, but continue to be honest to yourself as well now! Don't tell yourself stories about how you will be with him forever and how things will chance once he gets more active and works out more... These stories are all just fantasy and not reality. Reality is: you will like how he looks less and less and it will become more and more of a problem, and you will not be able to "fake" loving how he looks when you have sex, or when he takes his shirt of.
Truth is, there are people out there who wont care at all about his belly. Let him lose so he can find such a person. If he wants to continue to hit the gym for his own sake, great! But that still doesn't mean you should be with him. Be his friend! That's what you really are to him. Without physical attraction, this is a friendship. Not a relationship. Trust me on this one. Don't waste a year and a half of your life like I did, on someone you knew right from the start wasn't for you.
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A
male
reader, Cle +, writes (24 September 2014):
Cle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys. Thanks for the responses. The reason I started dating him was because I knew that I had a aversion to people with a concentration of fat in their stomach but I wanted to not be a shallow person and say no when he asked me out. When he asked me out, I knew he was a good person and I wanted him. I can honestly say that I love him and i want to be with him forever. But I also can see asking him to change is too much. After reading your responses, I told him that he shouldn't go to the gym for me anymore, but now he refuses to quit because he wants to make me happy. I feel like I'm hurting him more and I told him this, but he wone listen to me when I say that I'll just live with his belly....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 September 2014):
I agree. If you never found it attractive and he's always had it why did you even start with him?
I will tell you when I met my husband he was an anorexic 138 pounds. Over the 4 years we are together he's gained and is now around 175 (too much on his 5'7" frame) and YET I still love ALL OF HIM. Big huge belly and everything... yes I would like him to lose weight but not because he's unattractive or our sex life suffers (it does) but because it's better for him. Guess what.. I have NO SAY in my husband losing weight.. if he wants to get healthy he will.
If you live and love a gym lifestyle I suggest you find a partner who is on the same wavelength as you. You cannot love a person's potential. you can only love them where they are. Expecting a person to change to please you is wrong.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 September 2014):
 Give him a gym membership and go watch him work out.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 September 2014):
Ah, yes, I see now that the OP is a man and not a woman. I was on my phone earlier, so didn't see the tiny writing. Also, that's why there's a few typoes in my answer. But anyway, the answer is still the same. Sorry, OP, but you can't be with someone who you aren't attracted to. And that means ALL of them. People can't be picked apart and say you like everything about him except his belly. His belly comes with him, and either you like all of him as a total package or you don't.
Listen though, this doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't mean you are shallow either. You gave it a shot and you found out it matters to you that a mans belly isn't this huge and floppy. You care about it, and you found out, and now it's time to do the right thing: end it. You can not ask him to change for you. Nor can you change your own ideas about what is hot and what's not. You are who you are, just like he's who he is. You're just not compatible, that's all. Leave it at that. Tell him you're sorry for saying what you said, it was unnecessary and frankly, it was mean of you. If you don't like how someone looks, then don't date them. Don't enter a relationship with them and then put them down for looking the way they do.
I stress that this is NOT a "problem" in the relationship that can be worked through by communication and team-work. This is a deal breaker, it's a black or white thing. You're either into how he looks, or you're not. End of story, end of debate. You're either in or out. As it is, his looks don't do the trick for you, and I don't care how wonderful he is personality-wise or otherwise. If his looks don't rock your boat then you can not stay with him. That's just how it is. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can move on to someone who you DO like physically as well as mentally, and the sooner he can move on to someone who likes him physically as well as mentally.
I was in a relationship with an overweight man, and I had the exact same struggle you have. I found it unattractive, I wasn't turned on by him, his belly disgusted me (it flopped over the jeans and then some). His entire lifestyle collided with mine, he didn't take care of his health, he ate poorly, and he gained more and more weight. Anyway, I held on for waaaay too long, and it didn't do either of us any good. So I strongly advice you to stop wasting his and your time, when this is clearly and obviously a dead end. His belly will ALWAYS be there, and it will ALWAYS bother you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 September 2014):
 (Psst Chigirl - the OP's a guy ;) )
OP, that's really shallow. You started dating him 4 months ago. If you didn't like his belly then, why did you start dating him? That's just not cool. You don't start dating a guy and then try to criticizing him into changing. What's particularly cruel is that he WAS anorexic, meaning he has had self-image problems in that area.
You need to let him go to date other guys before you really hurt him. What you did was beyond cruel. In the future, you date guys and ACCEPT them for who they are every inch of the way. That's just not cool. It's one thing if you had been with him for 10 years when he started out thin and then let himself go. But you knew he was big when you met him.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 September 2014):
Sorry, but you need to let this one go. You are not attracted to him, and iys one thing to not be attracted to all body part, and another to be repulsed by them. He is not for you, please realize this. His belly will always be there. Always. He does not even see a problem with his belly himself, so your incompatibility goes beyond mere looks. You do not hgave the same life style or same perspective. Yku need to end things before you hurt him even deeper. Of course he was upset his girlfriend finds parts of his body disgusting. It will mentally break him down to be with you now that he knows how you feel. Sex will be problematic now. Letting you see him naked will be problematic for him. His self esteem got a serious smack from this and you hurt him. If you are not attracted to him you need to let him go. He needs to be with someone who doesnt mind his belly.
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