A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have 2 babies under 1 year old and our lives are soooo boring. I feel like he resents me because all his life now is to go to work and come home and take a nap b/c he didn't get much sleep the night before because the newborn kept us up all night. Then get up, watch some tv and play with our 1 year old until it's time for bed. The weekends are us cleaning and taking care of the babies and that's all. We never go anywhere, when his friends do invite him somewhere he does not go ( I tell him to ) and I don't know if it's because they don't like me and he is ashamed to be around them since being with me. He did not invite one friend to our wedding. I invited all of my friends. When I moved in with him because I was pregnant, if he was on the phone with a friend, I felt like I had to keep quiet because no one knew we were together let alone that I was pregnant. He even told me to "ssshh" one time when I came home and he was on the phone to one of his friends. It made me feel very unwelcome. He didn't tell his parents about me until I was 5 months pregnant, after we got our ultrasound. They didn't even know he had a girlfriend at the time. Then it seemed his parents had doubts about the baby even being his (can't blame them since they didn't even know I existed) When we had the baby he wouldn't sign the birth certificate and I was not expecting that at all, he never told me that he wasn't signing it. So we got a dna test and of course, the baby is his. He has never once said he loves me, unless I make him. We aren't affectionate at all. The last time we kissed was when we got married b/c the guy said "kiss the bride" and before then it was a year. I just called him at work and he sounded all down and I asked him what was wrong and he said that he didn't want to talk long. I know he's at work but I called him on his lunch break. I'm really wondering if this is going to last. And if he is really unhappy with me. It doesn't seem now that he ever wanted to be with me and I feel like he only did it because that's what he was supposed to do. We got married because the state was going to make us pay back the state funded health insurance I was on while pregnant, unless we got married. So I was not even proposed to. I picked out my own ring at a grocery store. When we were driving home from the wedding we got into a fight because I said we should buy a house while the market is bad, and he said something like "I'm under a lot of pressure, I just changed jobs, we HAD to get married now you want to buy a house" It just didn't seem like he wanted any of this so I have to wonder why he's going through the motions. I would have rather known that he didn't want this than to have married him, and had another baby with him, etc. I am not happy either. I don't like living with someone who I don't feel wants to be with me. But I don't know what to do because we have 2 babies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): This was sad to read, but maybe you can make a go of your marriage yet. Think of arranged marriages where love has to grow through time. Don't pressure your man, because most people panic and turn away even more. Try to say witty things, make him smile despite himself. I was in a similar situation and that was 24 years back!
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): What I meant by back position is that you lay behind him with your arm over him. In this position, he doesn't have to do anything. The warmth of touch by you can be a healing factor.
Being that he just comes home and goes to be doesn't help.
He may just need space for now. If you try to untervene to much he may just get mad and defensive.
Asking you to ssshhh while he was on the phone wasn't to hurt your feelings, he couldn't hear the person.
My wife expects to have my full attention any second she wants. If I'm watching TV, she will pause it, then talk. She can't wait. Other tmes I will pause the TV, but she will talk, then become silent, so I will start the TV again, then she starts talking again. (LOL) Sometimes its annoying, sometimes its funny. Whenever I would try to talk, she would just shush me until a commericial.
I think what you might consider is a diary. Start from day one of your relationship and recall as much as you can. Somewhere, he gave off clues to his feelings, and maybe you didn't notice. Understanding when problems began, his behavior changes, things he said, will help determining what might be wrong. Maybe he is feeling totaly pressured, and doesn't feel that you being of help, even though you take care of the kids and house, what is missing, is greater support for his position and actions. I know my wife and I get annoyed at each other. She will have a checklist of things for me to do, and once I'm done, she will nit-pic it. Out of 600 square lawn I installed, she will see a gap between lawn and walk way, 1 inch, and wishes I'd fix it. She's burning me out. So it is things like this that if you know your doing, then stop, otherwise your gradually pushing him away, because he is beginning to feel he can't compete.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): Thanks for your answer. A lot of it made sense but some didn't, I think it was because of the wording used. For example, I am not sure what this meant "When he watches TV, ask that you would like to be close and just cuddle, even if this means to take the back position" What is the back position?? I wish I would have gotten more answers too. He just came home and went to bed, so there's no cuddeling going on & I don't think he really even would want that. Thanks though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): This situation is complicated and will only get worse. He at least, feels overwhelmed, and making any suggestion like buying a house makes him feel like he is expected to take on more of a load.
What you both have is a delicate situation. You both have ligitimate cases, but there is a disconnect between you. It is like both of you react to a wall, one not hearing the other. There is a deep rooted pain being felt by him, and eventually, you too will experience the same. I am in the same boat with my wife. I am at a point that I understand that her attempts are to help, but because of how I feel, it just feels like the object gets pushed in further.
The way to fix it, I don't know, I don't have a partner who acknowledges the problem or is unable to address it. I can only offer suggestions what I feel might help me and my wife. I don't know, I'm not an expert, nor have I experienced enough to get past this point, but here it goes:
When he watches TV, ask that you would like to be close and just cuddle, even if this means to take the back position so he feels less pressure like being pulled down, which it sounds like he is feeling. Alone time together, can be done even with the kids around, you just involved them to.
Each of you need support from ach other. You both need to feel like the other is not adding chores to each other, for at least I sounds like this is how he is feeling.
It has nothing to do with him not wanting you, I think it has to do with him feeling overwhelmed, to much to do, feeling to much is expected of him, and not feeling capable of providing it, and not enough of him to go around to get all the chores done. I'm sure at times you feel the same way.
You both need to agree together to identify the problems and how you can work together so each other doesn't feel overwhelmed by negative feelings. This is a critical stage in both of your lives. If you can work through it together and resolve the conflicts each other is feeling, the relationship will strengthen and the famly as a whole will be much happier together.
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