A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, my girl and I have been together for almost 2 years. (im 26 shes 21) The relationship is good except that we argue about her taking initiative of her life...she has narcolepsy and I've read up on it, I understand its a disease thats beyond her control. Ok, she says she needs medication in order to do chores (i'm on the only one who works right now) so I buy her medication...well instead of using the time she has while alert on her medication i come home to her playing computer games all day and the dishes sit dirty for three or four days. Its as though I have to nag her to do her part. Or sometimes she will help out but then she slacks off...she'll blame it on her behavior problems and I understand she has a learning disability but it feels like she's just using that as an excuse to put chores first and games last. I explain how shes not using her alertness to get chores done and how she gets distracted and she says that's just the way she is. I say that's not good enough for me, she gets sad and I get hurt and really angry. It feels like she doesn't respect what I do, she says she does but I told her that she needs to show it more...she says she needs to show it more. I honestly don't think she sees how her idleness is affecting me. I mean I tell her that she should go out and look for a job, she says she doesn't want to fall asleep somewhere...that she needs her meds to do that. I say well you're never going to get a job if you don't push yourself...its not fair to me...she says she doesn't know how to look for jobs so i'm willing to help... I understand that she falls asleep even when on medication but I've been home with her for more than 5 hours and she just sits there playing games on computer or watching movies, saying she'll do it later. She says her medication doesn't always work for her. So I suggest that she talk to her doctor and see what can be done to help her...she acts like its so hard to pick up the phone and call she says she wont have a ride that her parents don't care about helping her(which i know they do care)that they just tell her to call and figure things out herself. Its like I have to remind her to do things that she should do herself. She forgets to take back books, movies to mail off important papers of hers, I come from work and its like she doesn't think to clean off the sink if its dirty, I make the effort to do those things... its frustrating!! Throw in bills and financial problems and I'm on stressed out guy. I already have a son with my ex gf to take care of, I expect my current girlfriend to do better than what she's doing. I have adhd and I'm able to function enough to get things done(and I don't always have my medicine to take) I don't push them off. I don't know what I can do to help her...if her condition and brain are to blame then maybe we should see if she can be put on disability because I don't know how she's going to get through life like this. She says its due to how she was raised that her folks would take over the chores for her...I don't know... Any thoughts, am I being too hard on her? I really don't like playing role of drill sergeant to push her to do what she should be doing but she says that she needs someone to yell at her to get to her do things I love her but I have second thoughts if this will work...****gets tiring truly...advice is appreciated...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know what I want to do...she's been doing better about cleaning and cooking. She has problems with getting distracted, hopefully our counselor friend can help. I didnt notice that I was enabling her. It makes more sense now...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 March 2012):
 You’ve posted before about this haven’t you? It seems very famailar…
My partner is currently unemployed and depressed about it so very little is getting done at home….and I feel angry about it… I don’t get why we have to do the household chores together on the weekends if he’s home all day… but it’s slowly getting better… in your case it’s not improving.
I doubt she can get disability for LD and narcolepsy but it sounds like she could use some therapy either life coaching or to figure out what other meds would help her. Is she on insurance? At 21 and not married the law states she can be on her parents insurance till age 26 now if you’re in the USA…
I have a very very good friend who is narcoleptic… she works full time and runs a home and has managed to figure it out… but she’s going to be 40 this year… I have ADHD very severely and no medications that can fix it so I have learned to make lists (I think we talked about this last time) and I am working with my partner to get him to understand that ADHD is an Explanation but NOT an excuse. I still have to get things done I just have to do them MY WAY and if he needs to go behind me and fix it to HIS OCD standards then so be it.
It may be, sadly that her disorder and her not having yet learned how to cope with is mixed with your ADHD is NOT a good mix. I know that my ADHD mixed with my partners OCD can make us both crazy at times but we are uber committed to making our relationship work and have gotten into counseling to try to further our communications with each other.
Is leaving her even an option for you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): I'm very sorry that you are in this situation, and that your girlfriend has Narcolepsy.
Initially I thought your girlfriend was taking the easy road and being lazy, however after doing some research as I had never heard of Narcolepsy, I see there is more to it.
It must be very difficult for both of you - her dealing with this condition, and your supporting her through it all.
On one site that I came across...
(http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Narcolepsy/1380657)
...someone was asking for advice because they have a roommate that can play games, watch a long 3hr movie and stay awake, but he can't drive, hold a job or do anything else to help around their apartment.
Someone with the condition answered, and her answer may help you:
"In my experience, if I'm not driving I can fall asleep about 3 or 5 minutes after I get in. Most people with narcolepsy like to nap during the day or they can't function. My naps can vary between 30 minutes to a couple of hours. I like to stay up later than most people since I slept part of my day away. But, as for the sharing of CHORES and stuff I don't think that having narcolepsy is a reason to slack off. Yeah I get that he's tired, we're all tired, but we still have to put in our share.
I definitely think laziness makes narcolepsy worse. If I'm not motivated to do something (homework, or work out) I'm just not gonna do it. It's like you're already fighting your body to stay awake and function, but then on top of that you have your mind telling you, you just don't want to do things, or you can put it off til later. I think you have to learn to be mentally strong, and overcome laziness".
Another poster stated: "Give SOME slack, but not too much. We can still function with this disease, it's just annoying and diffiicult and discouraging".
So make sure your girlfriend is not using her condition as an excuse. Some posters are studying and plan to go to Med school with the condition - so it is possible with a good Neurologist, medication, etc. For some, others perhaps not.
Talk to her, ask her to be more responsible when she is able, and then don't be her parents. Do your share, be the supportive encouraging boyfriend you've been, but if she truly does not want to change, you will have to decide if you love her and want to be with her no matter what, then accepting her and her condition is part of the package. As she matures a bit she may take more responsibility.
Hopefully you've got good friends or family you can use as an outlet for the stress you experience - with her, supporting her, as well as the bills/financial problems.
If not, perhaps see a Counsellor as you are young to be burdened with this already. They will guide you on the way forward, ensuring YOU are also looked after.
Wishing you all the best,
xxxx E
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): dont put up with her attitude.. tell her you need a break.. and tell her she should prolly go to her parents home... just as a threat..
your helping her is enabling her.. and she may not be trying to overcome her difficulties...
seriously I don't know what should be done in such a situation.. you should prolly ask a professional.. like a doctor for some advice..
and try to learn if it curable?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Stop enabling her behaviour, step back, let her look after herself, she isn't getting off her backside now because she knows she doesn't have too, that you will do it all for her.
Don't pay her bills, don't clean up her mess, don't cook her dinner, if she can't shop for food, let her go hungry, and if you get really desperate cut the plug off the computer cord.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): "if her condition and brain are to blame then maybe we should see if she can be put on disability because I don't know how she's going to get through life like this. "
Exactly. Your gf clearly is dysfunctional right now, she is literally like a child except she's an adult.
You are supposed to be equal partners but right now it's more like you're her parent and your relationship centers around you being a caretaker and guardian of her. This is really unhealthy for the relationship (which is why you feel so resentful and hurt and angry).
You need to stop doing things for her, even if it means that nothing gets done and her life starts unraveling. You have to just stand by and let that happen because that's the only way she'll ever eventually get motivated enough to do something, or else if she really can't despite her best efforts then she'll get on disability.
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