A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,This is kind of a weird situation.I have this online friend, who I've been talking to for about 13 years now. We have never met but I talk to him almost everyday. I consider him one of my best friends. We are very close and talk about random stuff all the time.He is one of the nicest people you would ever meet, but I will admit he is not very educated (he lives in a fairly rural area and never went to college) He has political opinions that I don't agree with (this doesn't really get in the way of our friendship, he has his opinions and I have mine) and a life style that's quite odd. He is in an open relationship. He is married to his wife and has two children with her, but also has a trans-girlfriend. My boyfriend is a little weirded out by this (and I get it, I do, I mean he doesn't know him like I know him) but more often lately my boyfriend has been making some remarks about my friend, like how he's a creep/weirdo/hypocrite/uneducated etc.. and I find myself having to defend my friendship. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. At first, he was fine with my online friend, but after becoming friends with each other on social media and finding out political views and etc, things have gotten hairy. My online friend has helped me with my depression and struggles for a very long time. He has saved my life. He is honestly one of my best friends, and he is a good guy, despite how weird his life might be. I have told my boyfriend that he isn't being nice and that I want him to stop making remarks and that it makes me really sad that I have to defend one of my best friends from him. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2018): You started this online friendship at the age of 13 years and this friend has had an important impact on you.
You report in to him every night.
He has had over 10 years to groom you into dependancy on him.
It is a little creepy.
People regularly save each others life and normally they expect nothing in return.
In a way he hasnt saved you. Because you are still dependant on him emotionally.
The boyfriend has a right to feel crowded out by him as he has no chance to save your life.
You are mentally absent when you have your 'report in ' sessions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2018): Does your boyfriend have a problem; because he has an issue about bisexuality or transgender-people? Compare that with a married-man keeping a lover on the side; then you're in a totally different place.
I will also mention your relationship is the critical-period; between 3-5 years. When relationships either move to the next step, or break-apart.
Defending your friend alienates your boyfriend; and it will put distance between you. Men are naturally protective of our mates, and we assume a role in the relationship as your source of strength and your defender. Not to be confused with being controlling or possessive-behavior; which is not even remotely the same-thing.
Your boyfriend probably feels you are too intimate emotionally with the other guy; and understandably that makes him feel threatened. If the other guy competes for your attention, and cheats on his wife. What kind of message are you sending your boyfriend when you see no wrong in such a thing?
Things get weirder and weirder; so where do you draw the line? That's his legitimate concern! Your boyfriend is there to help with your struggles. He doesn't have to accept your friend's views or peculiarities. Maybe he doesn't need any help from some guy who probably cheats on his wife with a transgender-female. You do see cheating as a serious character-flaw, do you not? He says it's an open-marriage? How do you know that to be true? I find that extremely hard to believe. Not to mention totally bazaar! Just my opinion.
Here's what you and so many people with these best-friends vs your romantic-partner have to remember. It's not a competition, nor a matter of either/or. One is your lover and partner, and one is just a friend. How long they were a friend is irrelevant. Both men serve different purposes in your life.
Only your romantic-partner has a higher responsibility, and plays a more serious role in your life. Their roles don't cross or blend. One does not supplement the other. You are in a monogamous-relationship; not a polygamous-relationship. I think your boyfriend has been more than patient for five whole years!
Do you open-up to and share things as much with your boyfriend, as you do with that most unusual friend?
You have to keep a proper balance between your friends, and the person with whom you hold a romantic and intimate relationship. You are also judged by your values. You hold your boyfriend to a standard in order for him to remain your boyfriend. Seems that friend can do no wrong in your eyes. Now that would even give me a problem; if my mate was like that.
There are boundaries and loyalties that should not be strained or compromised. There are emotional and intellectual connections that require clear definition. Your boyfriend is your top-priority. The other guy is just a friend. Don't defend him, if you feel there is nothing that requires defending. Let his character stand for itself.
He does have a wife, and a lot of peculiarities; but if you're open-minded, that is totally fine. No one chooses your friends for you. You're a grown-woman.
If your mate has a problem about a friend of yours; and verbalizes it, then you either compromise, or you have to make a choice. I guess that should depend on what kind of problem your partner has. You practically grew-up with your friend; but you also have a serious committed-relationship that could lead to marriage.
Ever considered the possibility that marriage could be delayed due to that extra "appendage?" Your friend has a wife, you, and more! Why does he deserve to have so much? Where does he find the time?
Make a clear distinction between your boyfriend and your friend. Your boyfriend has no right to choose your friends; and you don't require his permission or approval to have friends. By the same token, he has the right to decide not to keep you as a girlfriend. If he believes you don't know how to maintain proper balance or separate/distinguish the difference between friends and romantic-partners. He also has a right to defend or stand-up for his values and beliefs, just as you do. He may be tired of that friend. Maybe he now feels crowded; or he's not sure who you value more?
They are not on equal-standing. Would you like him to place some other female (excluding close-relatives) equal to you? He feels like he's in a three-way relationship. One of my deal-breakers when starting a romantic-relationship is how exes or friends fit into the picture. If there is too much interaction, interference, or allegiance to the third-party; I see no reason to commit to that person. I've got plenty of friends; but they know their place, and my partner's friends know theirs. My boo knows he's at the top of my list. Nobody cuts into his time, and all our friends with partners are faithful to them. As far as we know.
I do have reservations about "open-marriages." It's a contradiction in terms and an oxymoron. Disrespect for the institution. Do whatever you please, but you don't have to be in my life with it. Your boyfriend doesn't have to share all of your beliefs. They may come between you.
He has the right to make all the remarks he pleases; if he sees his girlfriend is showing far too much affection and attention to some other guy. I guess your boyfriend is about to make a decision. Otherwise, why would he step-up his concerns about that other guy?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 August 2018):
 As long as your friend is not taking too much time away from your relationship, I don't see the problem. Sorry I don't like your friend either because I don't believe in open relationships. Doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is. It doesn't make him more noble that he saved you from depression. Your boyfriend is jealous because he feels if you have a problem, you should come to him instead. No one likes that someone else has the power to console you. Your boyfriend feels like the online friend has something he doesn't. He feels threatened that you could be having an emotional affair with him. I totally get why your boyfriend would be weirded out by this.
Does your boyfriend know about your past and your depression? Is it possible to open up to him about it?
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