A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi just wanted some advice really, a friend of mine who ive known since i was 17 seems to be giving me the cold shoulder. She has lived in Spain for the past 8 years and we have kept contact via phone and e-mails. Lately she doesn't seem to bother and when i have phoned her daughter has answered and said she wasn't there but i have got the feeling once or twice that she was there and not at work as her daughter told me, at the time i shrugged it off. Last year on facebook she put on a mutual friend of ours wall that she missed her and they didn't make them like that anymore(meaning friend) (this friend had just holidayed for 2 weeks with her and her family in Spain)and (no i wasn't snooping it came up on my newsfeed when i logged on) i felt a bit upset and felt like our friendship meant nothing, but i didn't say anything, in fact she rang me just after putting that comment and thats the last time we spoke. A couple of weeks ago i was chatting to my friend's daughter on fb chat and in the conversation i asked how her mum was and that i hadn't spoken to her mum in ages and she said she had been busy with work and things, i said it was getting on for a year and she was obviously talking to her mum as she then put she said she will try to ring me when she has free time, i said ok and left it that. Then just over a week ago i find they are coming over as a family to the UK,staying with their family, i only know this through fb and what her kids had put on their wall, i was puzzled as to why she hadn't told me by text or e-mail even if she didn't get chance to phone, or why hadn't her daughter told me in that conversation just a week earlier. She is meeting up with friends over here but not one word has been said to me! just seen the "i can't wait to see you" she has messaged to a couple of friends,(shes staying a 10 minute drive from my house and so there is no problems meeting up as we both drive).They arrived sunday night and still nothing, I honestly wouldn't have minded if she had contacted me and said they were over and would try and meet up, at least she would have made the effort, i know how important it is to meet up with family and sometimes its not possible to be able to do everything in a week. I feel really hurt and don't understand why she is treating me like this, there has been no row or anything between us, in the past we have confided in each other and when she went thru a rough patch with her husband as she has a couple of times i was supportive. Just wondered if anyone else has experienced anything like this. Sadly i just get the feeling she has probably told her kids not to let me know anything directly and that she doesn't want to see me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): I am the original poster of this question, thanks for your replies however the suggestion of us meeting up another time is a long shot. She lives in a different country so it wouldn't happen anytime soon. As for being needy?? when she had problems with her husband and was on the Verge of splitting i was there for her, and vice versa when i needed a friend. I wasn't trying to get info out of her daughter just merely asking how her mum was, at that point i had no idea they were coming over and the 2 questions i asked her daughter prove this. Ive done nothing to harm this friendship nothing whatsover, and if thats the way it is between us thats down to her but it will be her loss and not because of my doing. The only possible thing i can think of is the comment she made years ago about being jealous this was before she moved to Spain i had moved into a new home which was bigger than our previous home and brand new and over the years we have made our home really lovely, extending it and we have financial security as my husband has a really well paid job and so our lifestyle is really good, however its not something i have really mentioned to her in conversation, just told her when shes asked what we've done to the house and we've had some brilliant hols ourselves in recent years, maybe she doesn't like the fact that things have been good for me, if so what kind of friend does that make her?
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (6 July 2011):
Some times people do lose interest in their old friends, especially if they've made new ones or have undergone life changes. for example, her living in Spain for the last 8 years could have changed her views and thus made her interested in different things now so that she feels she has less in common with you?
it doesn't help if you appear to be "needy" either...like trying to get information from her daughter, if her daughter is then relaying this to your friend. I know you feel confused and hurt by your friend's recent coldness, so how about if you sent her an e-mail and just invite her out the next time she's in your home town, and if you feel comfortable you could ask her how come she didn't call you when she was last in town, that you just want to find out if you've done anything that upset her.
Some times it's not that your friendship "means nothing" to her, but maybe the friendship has run its course, if one of the people has changed and no longer finds as much in common with the other. But the beauty of friendships is that they can be as flexible as you are. Friendships can be dynamic and adapt to different and changing circumstances more so than other kinds of relationships. Just because you're not as close as you used to be, doesn't mean that you can't still be friends. there's no rule to say that once you're friends, you should always be as close as you used to. And, some times friends do re-connect again in the future when circumstances allow for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): Some times friends drift apart, or at different times in life friends alternate in how close they are, at times being closer and at other times not so much. it could be that your friend has made some personal changes in her life or philosophies and now finds that she clicks more with other people...? Or maybe she's made new friends and is having a hard time keeping up with old ones.some times it has nothing to do with you at all, for example if you and her have been friends for a very long time and if maybe she has undergone some personal life changes, she may want to symbolically cut ties to her past which may include distancing herself from the people who were part of that time in her life even though she personally doesn't have anything against you. And even if so, this may or may not be permanent, it could be temporary.In short, there's lots of reasons your friend could be behaving this way, and there's not a good way to know the reason. you could just continue to try casually contacting her and see if she responds at some point and take it from there. If she continues to not respond then try not to dwell on it, and if you want you can try making contact again at a later date and see if anything has changed.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 There is obviously some reason why she has fell away from you. Maybe she just feels that you both drifted apart or maybe something has happened that you are unaware of. Whatever it is its very sad to see it happen after such a long time as friends. Maybe you could send her a private mail on facebook and tell her how it has made you feel. Be honest with her and tell her you are not sure what you have done wrong and that you would love to meet up with her because you miss her and you would love to catch up and try and solve whatever problems there might be.
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