A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI am with a person for past 5 years, not engaged thougth. Earlier he used to be fun and nice, now for past couple of months, everything changed. He doesnt talk to me, whenever i initiate any kind of conversation he shuts me out. Tells me he is busy all the time but goes out with friends for party and wat not but never have few minutes of his time for me. The way he treats me makes me so disgusted with myself and its demeaning and i dont know whats wrong with me to even want to save this relationship. He yells at me, called me name when i sent him a picture which i took with my new haricut, thought he would like me. He called me name and told me why am i still alive, i look so ugly and disgusting and old for him to even look at me. When i asked him why did he say that he swore he never did anything like that, told me im getting old so im becmoing deaf or hearing stuff.I feel so depressed and angry with myself for letting him walk all over me like this. I broke up with plenty of times before and we always get together, i want to send him a harsh message that i got over him (though im not) and i can lead a very happy life without him, how will i do that. Please help me
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): You should not send harsh messages, nor any kind of messages for that matter. Like him do not speak but do. Your relationship with him will degenerate into violence because he is prepping you for beatings. So don't speak but do... leave him without any explanation. If he seeks to know why, do no tell. Do not speak to him. Go away from him and don't be curious to know how he will react or reacts. Do not care on what terms you leave as long you are gone away from him and you remove all chances of contact, talk or getting back together. Purpose of every relationship is to be supportive of one another and to provide the atmosphere of growth. You don't have that now and given your age, every minute you spend with him you are depriving yourself of that purpose and placing yourself in a situation where the pool of available men that can provide happiness to you is shrinking. So don't waste time, leave him without words and never speak back to him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): A lot of Americans can't speak English WiseOwl and if they do, it's broken!!!! There are so many cultures that call America home!!! And not all speak or write perfect English!!! You know that!!
And what does THAT have to do with anything, anyway???
Had to mention that!!!
Not sure what you were thinking???
As for you, OP, I understand where you are coming from. You are a kind, big hearted girl who wants to believe so desperately in this man. You might be trying to save him with your love and devotion. Think you can fix him. Are holding onto him and trying to love him as much as you can thinking that will be enough. It is like continuing to hit your head against a brick wall. You are doing the same thing, hoping for a different result but the result is always pain.
He cannot be saved. He is broken. So are you. But you need to worry about fixing yourself and not him. He does not want to be fixed. You do. We can see that by your reaching out to us here. You want to be okay again. And YOU WILL BE.
I do think you need to see a professional. I think you have an ADDICTION to this man. You are addicted to trying so hard to get his attention, to get validation from him. You are desperate to get his approval, his love. You need to feel worthy and you have latched onto him and depend on him to give you self worth and self esteem. But instead he tears you down. He makes you feel like you are not good enough. Not enough. And you keep going back trying to prove him wrong. Trying to win him over. But there is nothing you can do to win him over. You need to start by loving yourself again. Stop letting him be the focus of your life and the centre of your universe. He is NOT WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE. Remember this. There is nothing wrong with you. There IS something wrong with him.
For your own sanity, you need to find out why you are putting yourself through this. What is causing this behaviour? It is as if you are trying to PUNISH yourself by hanging onto a man you know is no good for you. You keep going back for more. How long can you allow yourself to be this man's punching bag without going over the edge? You are almost there. This is not emotionally healthy.
I think the only answer for you is to walk away. I am sorry I know it is hard. The hardest thing you will ever have to do. But I DID IT. I was in a similar situation. You know what? I am still alive. I am okay. I made it. Without him. You can too.
I let him go. I think I was letting him go for a long time. I was slowly distancing myself. Desensitizing myself. Building my walls. Protecting my beautiful heart which he was not worthy of. Until the day I was ready to leave. I was strong enough. I did it in steps. But I never looked back. I have PEACE OF MIND NOW. I feel good about myself again. I am not worried about everything he says or does or doesn't say or doesn't do. I am not worried about where he is or who he is with. I am not worried about feeling like garbage. I was tired of him hurting me. It got to the point that the walls were just too high. That I could not let him back in to hurt me again.
For the first few weeks all I did was cry. I was a mess. It hurt like nothing I have ever gone through before. Because I was mourning the loss of a person who pretty much had died. But I wasn't mourning a real person. I was mourning the person I THOUGHT HE WAS. The person I needed him to be. There is a difference. Remember this. You have such a strong love for another person and any big hearted person who loved so much is going to hurt very badly. Never feel ashamed of this. It is part of the process. Eventually the pain subsides. It lessens. And you will find that you no longer think about him. Your feelings fade. They go away. He becomes a figment of your past. A shadow in the distance.
Allow yourself to start this process. Now. Find yourself a good support network to help you through. You will need it. Prepare yourself. And do the hard work. You need to get through the storm to reach the rainbow. It is there on the horizon waiting for you. You can make it there. YES YOU CAN!
You will see that you will feel whole again. Happy. And you will start to love yourself and see how beautiful a person you are. One who is worthy of happiness and love.
Let this POISON go.
Good luck and big hugs. xo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): You can't find the courage to breakup with him and move-on.
You're waiting for him to make the first move; in the meantime you just passively let him wipe his feet on you. Why on earth are you doing that?
I don't believe he suddenly changed.
You are so terrified of being on your own, you willingly submit to his degradation and disrespect. From your description of his behavior, it seems he is trying to make you hate him enough to leave. My guess is that every-time you breakup, you beg him to comeback. You won't go-away, so he gives-in to your relentless pleading.
This is a cycle that must have lasted most of your five-year relationship. You leave for dramatic-effect; then take him back when the loneliness gets to you, or you fear he might be messing around with someone else. Your post seems vaguely familiar. Maybe just the topic, perhaps.
He didn't turn cruel and verbally-abusive all of a sudden. He always was. This is how your relationship has always been. You're totally submissive; because you're emotionally-dependent on this guy, if not financially as well. That would be the only reason you're taking all this.
You need professional-help. What advice can we offer; but to suggest that you summon every ounce of strength and courage that you have, and leave him. You desperately need some counseling at the professional-level. Even if you have to find a women's shelter, or go live with a relative. Get out of there!
If you are not strong enough or financially-capable of surviving a few months by yourself, you will have to turn to your family until you get on your feet. The verbal-abuse has taken it's toll. The tone of your short post is desperate.
You seem emotionally-distraught, and somehow very damaged as a person. You are so desperate to keep him, you've remained with him; even as his abuse gets progressively worse. It doesn't matter to you how badly he treats you.
You think he will change, or he has promised he would when you both decided to get back together for the umpteenth time. English is not your first language, and I highly doubt you are American; as your flag above your post indicates.
Are you being treated for clinical depression or some emotional disorder? Is that the reason you can't gain the strength to remove yourself from this dead-end and abusive relationship?
You said he changed in only the past two months; but contradict this comment by saying you've broken-up many-times before. No, I believe he's been treating you like this for a very long time, and you've allowed it for many years. Now he's tired of you and the relationship; and you are clinging to it tooth and nail. Hoping he'll change.
I recommend that you seek a psychiatrist or psychologist; and get a professional evaluation and opinion, if you're too traumatized to let go. Your dependency on him is so strong, you actually hate yourself; yet you will not leave. My guess is he's all you've got, and you've centered your whole life around him.
Have you alienated your family, or do you live too far away from them to turn to them for help? You're mature enough to make your own decisions; you're not inexperienced with relationships.
Please get yourself some help through a local women's organization that can help you find abuse-counseling, and resources if you are unable to support yourself!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2015):
 SO CUT HIM OFF!
Pack up ALL his crap and text him to pick it up - leave it in the front step of your house so you don't have to even talk to him.
The guy is treating you like crud BECAUSE you allow it.
I'd say block his number and move on. And the STOP getting back together WITH him. DO be so desperate for a BF that you will allow a guy to use you as a doormat and verbal punching bag.
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