A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry if this is a bit lengthy, but it's well worth the read.So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. We broke up in August because I had an attitude problem, but it was my birth control that made me have an "attitude problem". I am NOT mean, it was proven to be my birth control. So, we got back together because when I was trying to work things out, I nearly fainted because I switched birth controls that night, and I had a really bad migraine. And I developed a fever, and had dialated pupils. And he took care of me for the rest of the night, so he was so worried, he realized he couldn't be without me, I guess. Then things went perfectly! Since I switched my birth control, I was back to my nice self. It's been 2 months since that happened and, still, things are great. The only complaints I have is of him being so busy. On Mondays, Wednsdays, and Fridays, he has classes. Every day he has work, and every Saturday he's putting in hours as a paramedic. So I know I can't see him on M, W, and F. But I go to work Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays. So I'm just as busy.But with that information out of the way, this is where I need some help. On Friday was my boyfriends birthday, I was sooo excited to wish him a happy birthday. So, I texted him around 10:00 in the morning. I figured he would be awake. But I didn't get a reply. So I figured that maybe he went to work early. I texted him again around 9:00 at night. Still no reply. At this point I'm worried sick that something might've happened to him. (I posted a question about this problem before.) He told me that on his birthday he would be doing paramedic stuff, so I figured he was still busy. And it was NOT like him to not reply.On Saturday afternoon I texted asking what was going on, and why he didn't text me. And he FLIPPED OUT! He started yelling at me about he was so busy. I texted him back saying how worried I was. No apology, or anything.Sunday I texted him asking when he wanted his birthday gifts. (I had each of his gifts hand made, it cost over $100.) and he started flipping out about how busy he was, and he had no time to hang out. Then he told me to just throw the gifts out and he didn't care what I did with them...I asked when I would see him again and he said not for a while. So, I told him just to text me.I don't understand... Why is he being like this?
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (20 November 2012):
Sorry sorry sorry, I totally missed your update!
Better late than never I guess, so here I am!
Well sounds like your date went well. If he wants to celebrate Christmas with you and take you on a road trip, he must like you. Maybe he's taking it slow.
In any case, did you break it off with your bf yet? You know where this is going if you let it; you even said you expected a kiss. I get that you don't like the in between time (in between boyfriends) but you can't leave your bf hanging despite his weird attitude. Just cut him loose and move on. If it's with this new guy, good for you. If not, you'll find someone else.
As for the new guy's girl friends, I would talk to him about that before getting involved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd sorry for the shortness in details I'm still super busy. I can explain more later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey! Sorry for the late reply. I've been so busy lately.Well here's the thing, I think you're absolutely right about the whole break it with the bf thing. But right now I'm letting it simmer until the final sparks have died out. And before anything happens, I'll end it.But here's what happened when he and I hung out. But I also have another question for you.Well, instead of getting coffee like we had planned, he asked if I wanted to meet his friend. So I figured, ok, it's not a date then. So he picked me up and off we went. We were at his friend's house for a grand total of 2 hours. It was fun, but since they mainly talked amongst themselves, I felt a little left out. But he felt bad about it. So after that, he went to take me back to our meetup place, but we ended up talking in his car for 2 more hours. We actually have SO much in common. And we kept making plans for fun things to do. He's going Black Friday shopping with me, we're going out to dinner, we're going to celebrate Christmas at our town's Christmas fair, and he even ask me to go on a road trip with him. Although the mood was perfect for a first kiss it didn't happen. I know it's wrong, but I will admit I half expected it. Although I was also recovering from an obvious cold. And even throughout our get together he mentioned girls that are friends. He would start off (saying to his friend) " So I met this girl she's super cool and blah blah blah." so I've been wondering if I'm just another girl to him. I like him, I wouldn't MIND being with him at some time, but I just have to know if he likes me. Does it sound like it? More than just another friend. Also he texts me everyday if that counts.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (11 November 2012):
Hey girl,
Great you found a nice person to spend time with, but before this all moves too fast you've got to make a clean break with your bf, if this is truly what you want. You have to consider the idea that the reason you're sucking up this new guy's attention is mostly because your bf depraved you of that recently. If you truly want nothing more to do with him, end the relationship asap. You can't leave it lingering because it'll create misunderstandings and pain for all involved.
Though he isn't treating you well at the moment, your bf deserves to know you consider the relationship to be over, because if he doesn't know and spots you with this new guy, he'll feel cheated upon. I doubt his fragile mental state at the moment can take much more.
As for the new guy, if you move forward with him after breaking it off with your current bf, do him (and yourself) a favor and go slowly. Right now he could easily become the rebound and that's not a good thing for either of you.
Have fun tonight!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha, yeah, I always try to give updates! Some people are very interested in certain situations, and like to know how it ends.
You're going to be so proud of me! So, that guy I was talking about, I went to go "shop" the other day. I saw the guy and decided to flirt a little bit. Of course I asked for the time and just "remembered" I had work that day. He asked where I worked and I told him where and said that he should come visit me. 2 hours later, he comes in and gives me his number asking me to text him. So, we've been talking for the past few days and plan to hang out tonight after work. I'm sooo happy! He's just the coolest guy, and now all that goes through head is "boyfriend who...?". I think I was going a little crazy over my boyfriend, and I'm very sad that we can't be together anymore, but right now, I want nothing to do with him! I know he won't talk to me, and right now, that's just fine by me.
So, I think the fact that my own boyfriend isn't talking to me is a sign of us not being together. Maybe everyone was right, he was trying to get rid of me. I think I'll stick with this new kid. He's so sweet, and wayy attractive. Even thinking about him makes my heart pound. I'll definately update you about how tonight goes!
And no, he doesn't have guy friends at all. He has guy friends for a month, then they stop talking to him. I asked some of his old friends why and they said "Because he's a tool.". Which is a little mean.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 November 2012):
Glad I can help! I actually love follow ups. There are so many times I've given advice but don't get to hear how the OP is doing or what he/she decided, so actually having someone updating their questions is refreshing to me.
I know it's hard honey, just hang in there. When he's in this mood/phase extra texts are going to do more harm than good. As for Black Friday, why not wait till next week? Text him on Monday, then he'll have plenty of time to make a decision and at the same time you've given him space.
Also, realize that if you're losing him it's not because of something you did or didn't: it's because he's struggling with himself.
I have to say though that it's weird he doesn't have any guy friends. I mean...none? At all?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha, I should always rely on you with advice. It's nice for a change to get nice answerers who will continue to answer questions. Haha, even last night I was thinking, "Oh! I should've said this." it goes to show that when I post when I'm not yet awake, I miss out on details.
But, I'm trying so hard to resist texting him. I've even thought out little scenarios where I ask if he wants to go to dinner. I even plotted to ask him for a ride home claiming that my car is in the shop.
It just bugs me, because I care about him do much, and I don't want to lose him. And I feel like I am. It makes me want to cry. I want to tell him how I feel but I can't. He's too stubborn to let me talk to him, so it makes me feel like I did something wrong. And he even said I didn't. Like, if I said, "Hey, I miss you, talk to me." I'm afraid he'd be like, "I don't miss you. Come get your stuff." and that's how he is sometimes. I just don't understand. I have to resist texting him but it's so hard.
I mean, I want him to go Black Friday shopping with me, but I know he won't. But it's 2 weeks away. Should I just ask him this week, and if he says no, just not reply? Or say ok and stop texting for a while? If I ask him the same week as Black Friday, he'll definately say no.
I did see this guy I thought was super cute at this store. I think tomorrow I'll stop by his store and flirt a little. Maybe add subtle hints that I'm interested.
And I actually used to think that girl was nice. She was nice to me, at least. I don't know if they talk. But I have a problem with my boyfriend and girls. He is very attractive, in my opinion, and he does get girls that flirt with him. But he can't make friends with guys, do he makes friends with girls, and that makes me jealous. So, I don't know if he is talking to anyone anymore, considering his "lack of social interaction", but I dunno. I just want to know, and he's not letting me in.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 November 2012):
No problem, OP! I'm not the most organized user here either: sometimes reply multiple times in a row to a thread because of things popping up in my head all the time. It's something more users here can identify with, I'm sure.
Now, onto the rest: Good attitude. Yup, let him marinate for a while. You know, those extra work hours (though pesky) may actually do you good as they'll take your mind off him. Personally, I wouldn't ask him this week after work. Let him have his space, as tempting as it may be to break the silence.
That said, you could try the Black Friday shopping trip he promised you. Just a simple "You still up for Black Friday?" should suffice. I wouldn't really put in "you promised" or something of the sort in there because then if he decides to go you won't know if it's because he wants to or because he feels obligated. Don't be surprised if he says no though.
Yes, do get out there again! Socialize and talk to people, including guys that seem interesting. Just make sure you don't flirt too much. And if they ask if you have a bf, be honest and say yes. You could add the status of your relationship at the moment (or say something vague like: "complicated",) but some guys view that as an opportunity to chase you anyway, so be careful. "On the rocks" is viewed by many people as "I'm available again". Prevention is better than leading them on.
As for this girl he used to be friends with, I honestly doubt he's involved with her in any close way. When someone uses the threat of suicide to blackmail friends, it usually means the end of that relationship/friendship. I really doubt your bf would want to stay in touch with someone so obviously unstable and dangerous to him.
I mean, think about it: if he went back to her --even if he was attracted to her-- he'd always have that suicide threat hovering over his head like the sword of Damocles. He'd never be free in the relationship, because who knows what she'd do if she doesn't get her way. And even if he does everything she wants, she may still kill herself and make him feel guilty for the rest of his life. That's not a risk anyone would want to take. If any, it would make them want to cut all contact.
Don't be angry at her though. Even if she is a slut and someone who goes after taken guys, those guys she had sex with all banged her willingly. It takes two to tango. Plus she's already being held back in life...by herself. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be so unhinged like her and I'm happy I don't have the experience. Try to look at it that way.
Hope that helps a bit!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, PS.Sorry, I'm not awake yet. All these things are coming back to me at once. He promised to go Black Friday shopping with me because he missed out on Columbus Day sales. So, should I ask him if he still wants to go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha, you're awesome with advice, Maverick494!Well, this is what I'm going to do:First off, I'm going to let him be, to wallow in his own misery. Only because that's the only thing I can do. He doesn't want help, and he doesn't want me around, because he KNOWS I would help, and he just wants to be miserable right now. And he also told me when he's in a bad mood to just let him be. That's not in my nature, but I can do it. He'll HAVE to talk to me eventually, right?Secondly, I'm going to put myself out there. Make some guy friends that I can hang around and just be friendly to. Shop the market. So, if my relationship crumbles like I hope it doesn't, then I can move on without depressing myself. I know this sounds incredibly shallow, but after a break up, I HAVE to have a male's attention. Otherwise, I go into total meltdown mode. The last time a boy dumped me... It was just awful. Darkest time in my life, not kidding. I mean, I'm not going to cheat. I mean that I'll just make some friends to preoccupy my time and not think about the Bo. And if anyone asks if I'm in a relationship, "It's on the rocks." I have to expect the worst and quit lying to myself that everything will be ok soon.Thirdly, I can find people to give those gifts to if need be. I can't return because they're all personalized. I even bought a pair of yoga pants and had "---'s Girl" on the back. (not gonna put his real name on here) So, I'll just give (or sell) the gifts to people I know who enjoy the things I bought.Fourth (Fourthly?), I'm still gonna try to make things right. At my work they're going to fire this one girl, and I'm getting all of her butt hours. Weekends, and all of my days off. Which are my boyfriend's days off too. Well, not his entire days off... Just the ones where he's free at 6. And it makes me mad because I want to work things out, and they're giving me all the hours this other girl had. I want to text him SO bad, but I know it'll end in tears. So, I'll try to resist until next week and I know I'll have those same stupid hours again, so I'll just send him a text message, "Hey, I'm working late tonight and gotta fend for dinner, wanna grab a bite with me?"What do you think?Oh! Also, I need to mention something else! I just remembered, this is an incredibly long read already, and I'm sorry. There was this girl... She was my boyfriend's best friend. Of course, they had a falling out, but jumped right back into being friends after 2 years. She was sweet and all... But she had a boyfriend, and when they had a falling out, she went to MY boyfriend and pestered him about how much she "loves" him and if he refuses to commit, she'd kill herself. He was really upset about that for a while. I don't know how it ended, but he obviously didn't commit himself. I should hope. But not to be mean to this girl, but she's a whore. Simple as that. And she's after sex from everyone, including my boyfriend. I don't think anything happened, I think she left him alone. But maybe this is something that contributes? It's been a while since he brought this up, but maybe she's bothering him again. See, this is why I need to talk to him.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 November 2012):
Well, he's stubborn as hell, that's for sure. Honestly though, this doesn't sound good. If it were me, I'd probably text him: "contact me again when you feel up to it, but whatever you do, don't just leave me hanging. If you need some time, that's fine, but I need to know where I stand so I know what to expect. It's only fair."
That's probably as diplomatic as I could make it. Honestly though, by now I'd be like "you know what, fuck you" haha. I get you're crazy about him, but never tolerate him just walking allover you and stomping over your feelings just because he's making himself miserable. Just because he works hard doesn't entitle him to act like a douche. Make no mistake, some guys actually believe this and if he's one of them he's going to be extremely hard to deal with. Heck, he's already hard to deal with.
If after asking for clarity he still reacts negatively, there are two things you can do. #1. Break up with him. #2. Give him time and space, but basically move on. You cannot put your life on hold for him to come around. Don't wait for more than 2 extra weeks for him to do this. If he doesn't, he won't. It's simple.
As for the presents, can you return them? If you can't, I'd have them delivered to his home with a letter that explains how much effort was put in making these and that you hope he enjoys them despite the fact he disregarded you all together. Definitely work the guilt angle, because how he treats you right now is very rude.
And then just leave it be. Some people just don't want to be helped, and no matter how good your intentions, sometimes you just can't get through to someone. It's hard but that's just how it is. Look, I know you love him, but if he's too thickheaded to even just talk to you, he's simply not worth your time. But sure, it's been just one week, so who knows. Give it some time, but don't wait forever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually did end up texting him yesterday. I didn't bring up the paper, I asked if he would like to go computer shopping in about 2-3 weeks, he said he would if he had time. So, I took that as an "ok, he's in a better mood" kind of thing. So, I asked how he was, and how school was. He only replied, "School." I asked if he was learning snything interesting, he said "No." so then red flags went off in my head. I could tell he didn't want to talk. So I said that he seemed to be in a bad mood. He did acknowledge that he wasn't in a mood to talk, and when I asked him what was wrong, he didn't reply. I then sent him a message saying for him to just text me when he was free. I got a sarcastic answer. When I brought it to his attention I said, "Are you ok? I'm getting a little concerned. Like, whenever I try to talk to you, you get angry and don't want to talk, or when I ask you to text me, you reply sarcastically. Is it just me? Are you mad at me for something?" I guess that wore him down because he said that he wasn't, and he was just worn down by life. So, I asked if I could help and he said, "No." and I said if I could see him, he said, "No." I asked if I could see him tomorrow, he said, "I want to spend my days off alone. I'm slipping away from social interaction."
Now I don't know what to do. I really do love him so much, I couldn't think of myself with someone else! I started thinking back to how we first met, and I remember every single detail. I know that if I could just SEE him, I could get him out of this slump. I know I can. I've done it before, and as I stated earlier, he's a completely different person when he texts.
Everyone keeps telling me that he's avoiding me, but maybe he's not doing it on purpose. They say I don't love him, I'm "infatuated" with him. And they say that he's trying to break up with me, but he's not, because every time we broke up, he would automatically say, "Come get your stuff." and he hasn't said that.
Now I'm totally lost. He makes it sound like he doesn't want a relationship. And I don't know that when he said that he wants to be alone on his days off if that means forever. I just don't know. Psychologically, he's a mess. He is a little crazy sometimes, but it's those little things I've learned to love. And I've never been like this with anyone before.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 November 2012):
Personally, I'd give it another week. 2 weeks isn't very long and as stubborn as he sounds, it looks like he may need that. If after that he still hasn't contacted you, I'd text him. I wouldn't text him to ask to help out with a paper. Then it just looks like all you need him for is that. (I know it's not, but his irrational mind may think it is).
I'd text on his day off: "Can we get lunch somewhere and talk?" Then you're avoiding dealing with this through texts and going lunching somewhere also means he has a crowd to take in mind, so he can't flip out. Then just try to talk through the issue and see if it's salvageable. If he says "no" you can try one more time and say "you're really going to throw away all we have without even giving us a chance to talk it out?"
If he reacts negatively again, just leave him be and stop waiting for him to come around. You may point out that he's overworked and needs rest, but he'll probably be too thickheaded to listen to you. So, hang out with girlfriends, stuff your time with activities and just try to get over him. If he eventually reaches out, good. If he doesn't, well...then you know he isn't really a fighter when it comes to relationships.
I dated a guy as stubborn as yours. He also ended up getting overworked because he just went on and on and on. He also got nasty as a result and wouldn't let me help him. I left because of that, but gave him a parting message to contact me if he changed his mind. He did contact me...after he hit rock bottom. I hope your guy won't need something like that to shake sense into him, but consider the possibility.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I'm getting my own computer soon and I promised him I'd play as long as he helps me out.
But it's been a week and I STILL haven't heard from him. Like, I know for a fact he was free on Thursday after 6:00. And I was hoping to get a message. And I didn't. I know that after 12:00 on Saturday he'll be free. So I guess I'll text him? I have no clue what to do! Because I don't know if he was freaking out over stress or if he was mad! I don't know if he's going to break up with me over it. Like, I'm so nervous. He's the type of guy I just can't read. He's the type of guy when you say turn left, he'll turn right.
I'm going to text him asking for help with a paper I'm writing... I just don't know how he'll react... What should I do?
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reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (31 October 2012):
 As a gamer who plays WoW, I can tell you that playing RPGs like that IS resting and relaxing. That's the entire point of video games, to relax and have fun.
If it makes you feel secondary, have you ever considered trying the game out? Playing with him? My husband and I play co-op games together -all the time-, and it's a great way to have fun together.
You know what they say! A family that plays together, stays together! :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, guys.I mean, I love him to bits, but I'm just terrified that he's going to break up with me because I'm bugging him. Well, not necessarily bugging him, but I'm more afraid of him avoiding me.I know he's overworked and I've been telling him that for months. The poor guy is being run ragged. But since I never get to see him, I can't calm him down. I will admit that we are very sexually active, and that's what calms him down. But when he's too tired, it just won't happen, naturally. But what also concerns me is that he plays WoW... He kicked the habit but his stupid brother (I really hate his older brother, he's a terrible influence on his younger brother) got him back into it. So, when my boyfriend should be resting, and relaxing, he's on there playing. And it makes me feel secondary sometimes. I just don't know what to expect from him anymore. And he's the type that's too stubborn to say sorry. So I know I won't get an apology unless I sincerely stress the issue. And I can't text him anyway, he is an entirely different person when he texts. We get into more arguments from texting than face to face.And I did look into that website. All those symptoms describe him PERFECTLY! He is very moody, he has a hard time sleeping, he never eats anymore. But he wouldn't be caught dead doing yoga to help relax him. I tried to convince him to take tai chi with me for his own good, but I don't think that'll help... Haha.But maybe when he eventually says he's free (which I hope is true... Soon) then I'll go out, buy some scented candles, and give him a massage to calm him down.Thanks!! :)
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reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (31 October 2012):
He is overworked, mentally and physically exhausted and needs to take a break from his too-busy schedule.
Here's a website I found for you that will show you what stress can do to his body and moods.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-symptoms/SR00008_D
Please talk to him about reducing his stress levels. You should see him return to normal soon after, if he does.
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reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 October 2012):
He must be really stressed out then. A lot of guys can reach a breaking point. But eventually I hope he comes around. You should be patient and hold onto some strength.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 October 2012):
He could just be overworked. Working as a paramedic is taxing both physically and mentally. You face things people in other professions don't. You have days where people die in your hands and there's nothing you can change about that. At his age that'll leave a mark.
If you make long hours on top of that it can easily become too much. You get to a point you're tired all the time and when that happens your mind cannot function optimally, so you become irritable and lose patience. Plus despite working long hours the days fly by fast (because you're constantly doing something) and then the texts could have come across as nagging.
Remember, he had to work on his birthday, so I doubt he was thrilled about that to begin with. Plus when people's lives depend on you, everything else kinda becomes trivial in comparison.
Give it some time. He'll come around. He was worried enough to take care of you in your ordeal, so it's not like you don't mean anything to him. Once he gets some rest he'll get more rational and he'll realize how unfair he was.
Just one thing, if he does contact you again, don't make a point of being upset and confrontational. Just talk things out calmly and see if you can make it work. Explain things from your POV but also try to look at his side. And emphasize you really put in a lot of work for his B-day and that you're disappointed he cut you off like that.
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