A
female
age
30-35,
*CantThinkOfAScreenName
writes:I need serious help. feel free to stop reading here as its gonna be a long one but if you carry on it would be very appreciated :) so, rewind my life back about a year and i was popular, was doing well at my gcse's and (not meaning to boast) but i regulary had boys interested in me. but since me and my ex broke up after a 10 month relationship (my first long term) about a year ago now, my life has been going downhill completely. I'll start with the boys issue. no-ones interested in becoming anything with me, ive had dozens of boys who i've had "things" with and theyre not even meaningful, we just talk for a few weeks and meet a few times and it never goes anywhere, or i do this stupid thing where i push them away cos im scared of getting hurt again! so in a year ive been repeatedly rejected in one way or another, i dunno whether its me or if i attract the wrong kinda guy? if its the second thing how can i attract better? i feel extremely lonely and its led me to taking anti depressants and im currently on a waiting list for councilling. its safe to say this loneliness and extreme low self esteem has gotten the better of me. okay so next problem. "Friends". theyre not friends. atall. no one ever invites me out, and if they do its extremely rare. i used to be second best which i could handle but now im about 20th best?! people think im funny, kind and fun to be with yet they never think of me when it comes to inviting me places... ive got two close friends. one of whom left last year from school and one of whom is in a long term relationship so she sees a lot of him and she never has any credit to get in contact and arrange anything?! pretty much everyone left school so all my close friends have left and im stuck at sixth form with the few who ive known for 6 years and avoided for a reason, either cos theyre well known bitches or because they dont talk to anyone, let alone me. another one of my so called "friends" wanted to see me all the time before she got a boyfriend, now she only texts me to find out an essay question or some homework. when i stand up for myself people dont wanna know but when i let them walk over me they forget about me and i get hurt?! i really dont know which way to turn. its knocking my confidence extremely and i now cry for around 3 hours every night but i dont feel sad, just empty, completely empty. i need someone to show they cared and there's literally no-one apart from my parents. and this friends situation is getting so bad im considering throwing away my university plans because im terrified to leave home and be stuck in aplace where no one talks to me! atleast at the moment i have a home to go and hide away in. i never used to be like this, i used to be so outgoing! and had so many friends. i dont know whats happened to me. so any help or suggestions or even an email or two would help extremely, thanks x
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (23 May 2011):
 your ex sounds nice! (sarcasm!) were you the one that left him then? coz he sounds BITTER! my friends say often no to me too when i want to do things, but that's coz they're busy with their relationships, that's just the way it is with some people i'm afraid and very often i feel like like its not a 2 way street coz i am pretty much always available when they want to do something (usually when their men are going out/going away! but hey even if you only have got one mate that will go on holiday with you so that's great! try not to let all this get you down, i think you are just having a bit of a bad run at the moment and feeling like no one wants you. keep trying to think positively and look on the bright side of things
x
A
female
reader, ICantThinkOfAScreenName +, writes (23 May 2011):
ICantThinkOfAScreenName is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i have been inviting them places and i either get ignored or they say "no,sorry. busy." and that's the only replies i get. i have one really good friend, today we've organised a holiday in the summer which im really looking forward to! i just wish that my other friends wanted to see me :/ and yes my confidence was knocked extremely after my last break up, this is because when we split he would text me things saying that i had put on weight, that i was ugly, that he never loved me and that no one will ever love me. seriously sucked at the time and ive carried it with me. and cos i think no one will ever love me i push people away :/ its a never ending circle. thank you so much for your help! even one person listening to me is really really lovely x
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A
female
reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (23 May 2011):
 Dear Icantthinkofa...I'm really sorry to hear you sounding so low however I don't think this is a permanent change! I know how awful your first big break up is, and you feel like you'll never be the person you were beforehand, but the truth is, you are! You're still all the things you were before, you've just had a rough time and feel really down because of it. That's completely normal. And believe it or not...it does get easier and you will be you again. It sounds like you've had some really bad luck, and so many women go through the phases you're describing in dating. There's not much that can be said about this, it's just the way some people are. However the way I look at it is: if we had the same great spark and connection with everyone we ever dated, then nothing would ever be special. You will find what you had with your ex again, probably something better, but if it was something that happened every day it wouldn't mean as much. Try and enjoy dating or better still, take a little break from it, think about what you want and don't feel like you have to be seeing someone all the time. As for your friends, that really is horrible. However, these things do go in phases and I bet if your friend and her boyfriend break up she'll be straight on the phone. That probably makes you madder right now, but as angelDlite said we've all done it a little and most people live to regret it. I don't know if you've been asking your friends places, but don't stop! Because your confidence has been kicked you feel like you don't know if they're your friends or not but if they have been for that long, even if you drifted a little, they are still your friends and don't give up. Just maintain contact with as many as possilbe, and let it slowly go back to how it was...because I'm sure it can.I think it's fantastic that you're getting councelling and asking for advice because soon you'll start feeling better. With a little more happiness and confidence you'll be amazed how much easier friendship and dating becomes. As for university, don't miss out, you'll have such a great time! Choose sociable accomidation and a course you love and you won't even remember how this period of your life felt any more. Honestly. Hope that helps and that things look up soon.All the best.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (22 May 2011):
i can tell from reading your post how much your confidence has been knocked. do you feel it all started to go wrong when you split from your ex? which of you chose to break up? and now you find that the guys you are meeting are never the right ones and they're not looking for anything meaningful (this is a common problem) and all your friends have got boyfriends that they spend all their time with (i have this problem with my friends - weekends are the worst time, coz they're typically 'couple time') i know exactly where you are coming from coz my life feels like this right now! all we can do is keep going. just take part in as many things and trips as we get the opportunity to do, don't be too hard on your friends for wanting to spend time with their boyfriends (i think we have all dumped mates in favour of a man at some time in our lives) remain positive- look at what you HAVE got going for you - you have got family that cares about you - some people don't even have that.
every day try to focus on the positive aspects of your life and if you find a negative thought creeping in - think about it in an alternative way to get a positive spin on it! antidepressants are NOT always the answer for everyone - if it is things in your lifestyle that are making you depressed - no pill will change those things. eat well (google 'foods rich in tryptophan') and avoid junk food, make sure you get exercise, drink enough water - these things can help to prevent depression.
PLEASE don't abandon your plans for university! you are lucky to have the opportunity and the intelligence to be able to do it! when you start uni you will meet new people who, like you, will not know anybody (unlike 6th form where you seem to have ended up stuck with a clique of girls from your last school) so you should be able to make some good friends there.
i hope you can see uni as the new start you need after the past year. leaving school can often be a tough time and any friends you keep from school will be true ones, any that are less important naturally go their separate ways at this time
x
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