A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I'm not really good at relationships or this whole love thing. I've been dating this guy a year and 6 months. And we live together. Our relationship is very difficult because we never can agree on most things. Everything else is good we have the same goals in life we know what we want in life and well we both suck at relationships we've both had a bad childhood we both came from broken family's. We don't really have anything in common except we like to stay home most of the time. He likes sports and I dont. We have different taste in music. Just little things like that. We have kind of the same goofy personality and when we aren't fighting we have the best time ever! We have broken up twice since we have been together and both times he has been the one to come running back. We broke up two months ago and it was a very bad break up he had moved on. Well the day after we broke up he started taxing me we texted and talked for about 2 weeks or more then we slowly started hanging out he broke up with the girl he was dating and the first month we was together was absolutely amazing! It was like we was dating a new person and starting a new relationship we had those butterflies and the excitement you get when you have a new relationship. We missed eachother when we wasn't around each other we texted every time we was apart. We got so close it was scary and the feeling we had with each other you couldn't explain it. Well he moved back in and things was still good. Until about July 27 idk what happened but things went down hill from there quick! Now we can't seem to get along were having mixed feelings on if we should stay or move on and if this is really worth it. But idk we both norcied that something is keeping us together and not letting us let go of each other. We have both never had this happen we have nothing that's keeping us tied together we don't have a child together. I do have a 3 year old but I don't think she's keeping us together. Its just hard to explain. Because no matter how much we fight or how hard things is we just can't let each other go. Does anyone have any tips on what we can do to limit the fighting and make things work? Or is it just not meant to be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2014): You are both caught in a cycle. When you part, your addiction to each other, and the fear of loneliness brings you back together; even thought conflict and disagreement is eminent. You're just a couple of kids. You have no experience to draw on, and no role-models for guidance.
Your subconscious-minds start to become uncomfortable; because you can't let go of what has become a routine or habit. Getting along, then comes a disagreement; then comes the breakup. You are both immature, toxic, and unhealthy for each other. What holds you together is the fear of the unknown; and jealously that the other will find someone that will make the other happier.
Egos and dependency come into play. Each of you feels one of you could possibly find someone better; who could make the other happier. That translates through a lie in our minds: "I was not good enough to make him/her happy, and they found someone better than me." You feel unworthy of anyone better; because you're too lazy to deal with your bad-attitude and meanness. Too stubborn to fix what's within you that makes you so disagreeable. You make excuses about your child-hood. It's not just about you. You brought a child into this world. Now you're a mother.
If you are incompatible, that doesn't mean your are not good enough for someone; it means you are wrong for someone.
You are both afraid that if you don't let each other go, one of you will find someone else before the other. Then you will have to witness them prospering and being happy with someone else. Your co-dependency on each other doesn't make any sense. That's why it never works.
You are both selfish. You manage to get along for a short period of time; you convince yourselves you've changed and recaptured what you used to have. No, you just decided you'll hold-on to keep each other from moving on.
The comfort only comes from knowing you still have some control over what the other does and with whom they do it.
You are dependent on him, and scared you don't have what it takes to survive by yourself. You think you need his strength. He just can't imagine you having sex with someone who just might be a much better man. His pride and male-ego is his problem. Plus the lack of an education and self-confidence. He can't do better; because he uses too many excuses not to try. He had a bad childhood. Same lame excuse. He needs to find structure and a direction to take his life. Establish goals and pursue them. Not hide from life with you. Money is a big issue. I know it.
That is mostly what it is. You may love each other, but not enough to get along and work-out your problems. They just lie in waiting under a flimsy truce.
Like two nations that have a cease-fire. They're just tired of fighting and need time to restock their weapons and supplies. A resting period for licking their wounds in preparation for another disagreement,leading to another conflict.
You comeback together; but your unresolved problems are still there, and no one has changed. No one accepts responsibility, and both of you lie to each other every-time you take each-other back. You lie that you've forgiven each other, and you are willing to change. No you aren't. Neither of you. It is because you are wrong for each other. You say he comes crawling back? Why do you take him back?
The child should not be witnessing your fights. Even at three, they have enough understanding that there is no peace. She always sees the anger and it creates night terrors and disturbances in her behavior. If it hasn't yet affected her, it will.
Kids get moody and they act-out in public. Screaming and refusing to settle-down and there is no apparent way to comfort them. It is because they are absorbing the tension and constant friction between two people around them. This is why children cry for no apparent reason, or have tantrums. Tell me I'm wrong.
You would be better off apart. Not even being friends. Just leave each other alone, and go about separate lives. Not to search for each others replacement or a new relationship; but to fix the faults and weaknesses that make you unable to have relationships. To rebuild your lives and character as individuals. Undo what your family-lives did to you. You have the power to do that. That little gift you have is your salvation. She's your new start.
You come on here with your explanation that you had dysfunctional childhoods. You know right from wrong. You want your child to have a better life than you had. You brought that child into your world of anger and resentment.
Get him (your boyfriend) out of your life. Work on yourself and find whatever help you need to get past what makes you unable to have good relationships. Get professional-help and moral-support for young single-moms through local organizations that you can find by searching online. You find guidance through mentoring by older-women, and you need a life-strategy. Not going from man to man, looking for someone to take care of both of you. That is in your future; but you have to work on yourself in the present.
Your first priority is to be a good mother. That child did not ask to come into your dysfunctional world. You owe the child much better than you ever had.
Love yourself, faults and all. Look forward instead of looking back. You are the master of your fate, in spite of your past. You can rewrite the future and make it better for your precious child, and you. You will see the reward in that, and it will bring you joy. Then believe with all your heart, you can have a good relationship and be loving, and you will. Stop making excuses. Stop convincing yourself this broken-relationship is all you have in this world. You are a woman. That is a very very powerful creature. It may not seem like it, oh but you are!
You have a precious gift. A child who will be your future and continuation of your DNA. Focus on that and making yourself a better example and role-model. You will find a joy you never knew possible. You're still basically a kid yourself. Get an education. You can be happy as an independent single-mom. Go find your way minus all that anger and drama. Trust me, you deserve and will find love with someone so much better than the guy you have. That may take time; but you've done nothing in preparation.
You will someday find peace, happiness, and love. The right man is out there, but that's not what you need now. You need a clean slate, to start fresh, and to fix your faults. Stop blaming anybody else. Get it together. Let him go once and for all, and don't take him back. He is holding you back, and keeping you unfocused on your child and yourself.
I took time to write all this because you deserve it.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 August 2014):
 I tend more toward " it's not meant to be ".
Contrariously to popular belief, a
high level of conflictuality does not mean you are passionate about each other ( or, not only that ) . It means that you are not compatible. There are several studies showing that successful couples co-uples that last, that STAY together in the long run - have a low level of conflictuality, they do not have to " work " at not fighting a lot. They just don't fight a lot, per se . A high level of conflictuality is ( for what stats are worth ) a good predictor of divorce.
Plus, you have broken up twice in 18 months, that's a lot. Maybe that's sort of your M.O., at some point you need to be apart , so that then you can reconnect with fresh energies and feel enthusiastic and excited about the relationship again, as if it was an all new start,- and it seems to work for you, but I would think it's a very tiresome way of living , I suppose it would get stale after another time or two.
As for what keeps you together... I guess it depends from your definition of " love ". Some people would say that you stay rogether because, regardless of all the arguments, you " love " each other- and other people would object that , without compatibility , and the ability to substain a healthy, happy relationship, that's not love, it's infatuation.
Other reasons why people can't let go ( and reasons that they deep down know but they are reluctant to admit ) are : sheer lust :). And, most of all, fear of loneliness, inability to stand on your own legs, and fear of the unknown ( better the devil you know... ).
I think you will have to look inward sincerely and find out what is your real reason. Then maybe it could be easier to let go.
Oh and btw : if your 3 y.o. lives with you, it's really not good for him / her to be exposed to all your arguments and drama. When you have a child, alas, you can't afford to be selfish and choose a guy just because you like him. You also have to think what atmosphere and environment you are / would be providing for your child when you live together...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2014): If in the first six months you have broken up twice and argue a lot I would say your relationship is doomed. You're just not going to work.For most people, the first 6 months are the honeymoon where you do 110 % to please each other, avoid conflict as much as possible and be the best you can be. History has shown that both your bests are not enough to make this relationship work.Let him go.Next time, don't move in so quickly, especially when a child is involved. I would say at least a year of getting to know each other. Poor child is witnessing all these arguments and tensions. He will grow up to think this is normal. You say you came from a broken family. You know what it's like to have tension in the house. For the love of your child, please please please take future relationships really slowly.
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