A
female
age
30-35,
*ottongin
writes:I have been casually dating this guy who i met about 8 months ago but we don't really discuss whether we are dating or not. In the beginning he seemed to be a lot more into me romantically but he would in front of my face tell people no, she's not my girlfriend just my friend. We weren't dating back then. But now it's hard to tell. Maybe we've just gotten comfortable with the routine of each other and enjoy having each other as a close person of the opposite sex while we are both really still in love with our exes (who we have both been broken up with for at LEAST well over a year). My friend told me that while i wasn't in the room one day they ended up having a conversation about the fact that he was only sleeping with me because it guaranteed him safe sex every time-- but he has never told me he is only sleeping with me and i assumed that he wasn't so i have in the past slept with someone else. We just never talk about what we are to each other TO each other. I've gotten to the point where i've convinced myself that i'm not sure if i would even want to officially date him, calling him my boyfriend. We have briefly discussed in the past the fact that we are both still in love with other people (while not such an active love since we have no contact almost what so ever with our exes) could be what's making us stay in this sort of friends who like each other a-little-more-than-friends-and-enough-to-sleep-together zone. I just don't know how it's managed to stay like this for SO long. We are starting to get more comfortable I feel like, as in we are always spending X amount of time together each week, or each day, and we spend many nights out of the week sleeping over together. I don't know how to bring it up with him, i feel weird. The entire span of our relationship I feel like a little school girl with a crush who is way too shy to talk about anything directly to him in fear of getting shut down. and I've had a huge crush on him this whole time. I feel like my feelings for him are increasing somehow, yet I don't want to admit it completely to myself. Maybe it's that i'm afraid of getting hurt, because i don't know exactly how he feels, or what he wants out of this "relationship" or I don't like the idea of not knowing where we are headed as a "couple". He could just suddenly find someone else, i feel like, and I don't like the thought of that. I wish in that case, that we could just be a normal couple. I don't know, because i have never asked, what made him pull away all those months ago when we first met, because he used to act so into me, and then he suddenly pulled away completely, and yet denied having a problem with me and never admits to what's bothering him ever, when I know there is something. Ever since he pulled away in the beginning of the relationship I feel like we have been trying to figure each other out (at least I have) without discussing anything, because I at least, have a huge fear of being rejected when bringing anything up. Jeez, I hope everything i'm writing makes sense, because it's kind of a lot of different ideas just thrown out there. Anyway, valentines day is coming up, and i feel like that's a good excuse to bring some of this stuff up, because naturally I will want to spend the day with him. And i don't think he will think that's weird, but I think it warrants a little bit of a discussion as to how he feels about me. The only time he ever discusses his feelings about me is when he's mad and i'm being my typical ex drug addict self gushing about drugs and he yells at me that basically my addiction, or if i were to use, when i relapse, or anything involving me abusing drugs, not even necessarily my drug of choice, makes him "like me less". and that's as far as he ever discusses how much he likes me... which isn't to say how much he likes me at all. I do have a problem with the fact that he can't understand some of the things I go through, like my addiction, or my mental illness (bipolar disorder) as he's one of those people that really were not exposed to those things and do not understand them at all, which is frustrating. Relapse is a part of recovery. I'm trying damn hard. and it's frustrating that he can't see that or appreciate it. or if he can, it's frustrating that he never tells me good job, or anything like that. because he has a lot of hold over my usage more than he knows. I just feel dumb for liking him so much, because i'm blindly doing so. I don't know how he feels. He's hard to read sometimes. I mean, we all wish we could go back to the way things were with our exes when we were happy, but it's not fair to either of us for us to both hold on so much (we NEVER discuss how we feel about our exes to each other other than that ONE time) that we can't properly develop feelings for each other or at least give this relationship or whatever it is, a proper chance to flourish and develop. I think if I allowed myself and felt comfortable that he also felt the same way, we could really have a good relationship. I really like this guy, as much as I hate to admit that. I don't know where to go from here. Should I try and find out how he feels? Is it not worth pushing him to define the relationship (that's why i haven't brought it up in the past-- most guys don't care to define it, but we still refer to each other as 'my friend' to other people)
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 January 2015):
 He has been getting the best of both worlds, a stable pseudo relationship and also having to explore other options which sadly, was within his rights. This is specially why you have to make things clear in terms because if things are vague, guys like him take advantage of it.
So good you now know where you stand. It's bad you had to find out through snooping. But good you don't need a nasty confrontation to end it. You might be tempted to argue with him, question him but it would all end with "we're never an item anyway."
In the past you were sleeping with the guys too and then when time progresses you hope that the dates, the consistency would turn this into a relationship without the awkwardness of "the talk."
Women can develop a relationship if there's enough chemistry and attachment through time but for some guys, they need the chase and win it.
He would be puzzled as to why you suddenly take charge of your life and why you end it with him when he's always felt you were at his disposal. No need to tell him you snooped. You can just briefly say you lost interest and you are ready for something real.
A
female
reader, cottongin +, writes (14 January 2015):
cottongin is verified as being by the original poster of the question I found some stuff on his phone. He has or is fucking other girls and doesn't tell me that's not cool. I'm done with this guy he's such a jerk! As much as I love him, well I'm not n love but I care for him a lot, I have to try. I can't keep getting hurt by him. He clearly doesn't want me. But WHY WOULD HE HANG OUT SO MUCH WITH ME IF HE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH OTHER GIRLS!!! I'm so upset!!!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 January 2015):
It has gone on for this long because you are afraid to discuss things. That's both of you too. He's afraid of losing the safe sex and you are afraid of losing a safe friendship. The way he talks to you also shows that he enjoys the upper hand. He has the power, he knows you are in love with him so he does not feel the need to change things and move to another level.
As you recover and become more resilient to life's set backs you will then demand more for yourself and not let fear dictate what you settle with. He's just a guy enjoying the girlfriend experience without committing further and risking rejection or being broken up with. There's a lot he does not tell you about his life. Sometime in the future you may have to look at this as rebounds with each other. When we are vulnerable after a break up we tend to like whoever comes along.
Valentine's coming. So ask,"are we an official couple? If we are not then we can go our separate ways because I want more for myself."
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