A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I got together 4 years ago. He was honest and said he was very sexual from the start. Our sex life was brilliant and after about six months we decided to try swinging, we didn't get off to the greatest start as the first guy was disastrous. We percirvered and through swinging sites met some nice guys. I always wanted 1 guy to see regularly but this proved difficult to find. As time went on my husband pushed more and more for regular meets where as I was happy with occasionally. He would manipulate situations and also lie to me to bring these meets forward. I lost trust in him regarding the swinging. Then we started to encounter a whole string of timewasters, arranging to meet first for a drink and them not showing up or chatting online for a while then suddenly finding we had been blocked. The whole situation caused me annoyance, upset, stress and anxiety and after 3 years I told my husband I was fed up with it and no longer wanted to swing. The problem now is he thinks I am just being stupid and that I am punishing him because of the timewasters and that I never wanted to do it from the beginning and doesn't know if without swinging whether he wants to stay in our marriage. This makes me feel like swinging for him is more important to him than I am, what can I do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 OP I see your follow up and realize that your marriage is not going to survive. You went into the marriage agreeing to swing. Now you don’t want to (and that’s perfectly fine BTW) but if you want to change that rule you have to accept he may not want to and the marriage will be over. You agreed to try it because it’s a fantasy but the fact that you won’t permit FMF due to jealousy shows that your mindset is not able to truly accept swinging. There is NO room for ANY jealousy in an alternative marriage. It’s a sad but true fact. Since you agreed to it and now you do not wish to participate, he has to decide if he values YOU or the lifestyle more….
Swinging NEVER saves a marriage or a relationship. In fact I can think of only 3 couples I know of that are/were swingers all were over 20 years married and had been swinging for years. NONE went into swinging to save the marriages… it was a mutual agreement within each couple. Interestingly enough as far as I know NONE of the couples are currently active in the lifestyle.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 Accept that swinging is more important to him than you are.
My guess is he assumed you would be more cautious and have fewer, if any, partners and that he'd see so much action he wouldn't notice anyway. If you saw more action than he did, swinging wouldn't be as appealing to him anymore. That is often the case.
OP, he showed you who he really was and what he was about long before now. The manipulation, the lying and now the threats all show he never had your back. Swinging is something he wants for himself and I suspect you're only included because he knows that most swing clubs don't admit solo men.
My advice is to stop trying to fix this. Your marriage was never broken. It was defective from the beginning. Let him do what he wants on his own and while he's busy, you get your ducks in a row and when you're ready, leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply, this is my second husband and he used to swing with his first wife. It was often a fantasy of mine when we had sex and that is why we started, we only have threesomes, mmf, because I couldn't bare the thought of seeing him with another woman
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2014):
I'm a former swinger. I know of very few marriages that survive swinging I have to be honest.
what made you guys decide to go the swinging route?
are you on SLS or are you meeting these folks some other way?
My former husband and I were swingers mostly women since I'm bisexual. RULE ONE... both parts of the couple have to want to do it and if they don't, then it stops. IF he won't stop or he's bullying you into it, then he's doing it for selfish reasons.
You have to accept that your marriage may not survive this hurdle. Will he go to counseling? if so find a counselor that is receptive to the alternative lifestyles and wont' judge you guys...
BTW my current husband and I do not swing at all. I have forsaken women and while I miss it... I would rather be committed to my spouse than share him. He's not happy he thought he was getting a swinger for a wife because I was married to the ex when we met.
my ex husband and his wife don't swing either....
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