A
male
age
30-35,
*ruongD
writes:First of all, thank you for taking the time out of your life to hear and possibly help mine. This is a really long and possibly boring story, but it's a story that I need to be looked at and told what to possibly do. It's driving me crazy. Comments and Critiques I completely welcome! I have been seeing this girl for almost 2 years. I am currently 21, she is 17. Now I do not know if age is a factor or not, I have never experienced this feeling for someone before. A brief explanation of my life as it may be part of the problem? All my life, I have never had the opportunity to experience love, to care about someone of the opposite sex. My parents sheltered and forbid me to see any girls during my years with them all the way through high school. After graduation I moved out on my own, with a amazing opportunity for a job. The job was design for a model magazine so basically I stared at half naked women all day, met models, even interview and recruited some. I had this job for 2 years, which allowed me to be a little crazy with women. I had no relationships, no worries, if it didn't work out with a girl, I moved on to the next girl. I was seeing many girls at once even, all knowing about eachother so I did no cheating of sort. After the 2 years, I decided to take the money I have made and invest it into myself and start my own business — I moved into another city. At the time I didn't know anyone in this new city, so I did what I did and tried to meet new girls. I met her online and then we arranged a date. I saw her and instantly I felt something weird. I liked her, during the date.. She was real — she was genuine and not fake like those club girls. She was down to earth. I had an amazing time with her. Of course I don't know how she felt, we kissed, and went pretty far as you can without having sex. Over the next several days we talked for like 2 weeks through text and phone calls. I didn't exactly know her situation at the time. During these 2 weeks I didn't see anybody else, I was genuinely interested in this girl. All of sudden, she texted me one day saying we are moving too fast. I immediately called her and asked her what that means, she couldn't answer. She said "I don't know".. I asked her if there is someone else, "I don't know" was popular during the phone conversation. I said "okay". That was it. I decided to myself that this is one of the main reasons why I stay away from relationships in the first place. Focus on myself and my work. That's what I did, for 2 more weeks. Until she texted me. She acted like it was an accident and said very little about it afterwards. I ask her what's wrong. She replies she misses me, but she doesn't want to hurt me again. I said "it's fine. Lets do something". So we did, we saw eachother but in very long time gaps.. like once a month. We kept in touch, texted mainly. A few times I felt like I wanted to make this more then just dating. Lots of serious phone conversations. Lots of amazing dates(for me, and she made it seem like it was for her). I found out she's actually bi-polar. I was completely fine with that. We agreed we wouldn't see other people unless we told one another. Several(at least 8) happy(for me) months later — on a random day I decided to be kind of a romantic/cute/weird and go back to the online dating site to message her. I find out her account had a blog section and I decided to read it — it is public afterall. Months and months of entries, I see no real mention of me, what I do find is that there are days of the entries where I did not see her and she was talking about "him", mentioning she saw him "today" on those specific days I didn't see her. I knew for a fact because at that time I had all our texts still in my phone for every date. All very inconsistent. Going back further I found an entry about a guy she was dating, right before I met her, and after it. She wrote poems about how much she missed him, and that sorry she was a psycho bitch getting mad at him. He dumped her and she kept having entires about missing him. I realized what I had happened, she was using me to replace him— to heal. But during these several months, I had asked her about her status with me and she said she was seeing no one and nothing happened, she doesn't miss her ex, shes WITH me. When I had read the blog entries I became completely hurt, because, other then work- I gave this girl my FULL effort to make her happy. from little presents to dropping off coffee for her on a cold day. I was falling in love. Maybe that's because I am being foolish? But I did — and reading the blog hurt me, thinking why did she lie to me. And technically, because she was dumped- I was runner up no? Anyways I learned more about her in her blog then I ever did before. She definitely flirts with other guys at the mall and stuff. Because of these things she has lied to me about — what else can I do other then ask her. So I did, and she said nothing, same thing like the very first time "I don't know" and lots of quiet moments on the phone. I asked her about the guy and she just struggled and lied on the phone. I asked her to stop, and give me reasons to stay. I told her this is the end, not only did she lie, she was caught and couldn't confess and apologize so we may possibly move on. She phones me several days later, I didn't answer. She leaves me voiemessages crying, asking me to please call her back. I called back, what can I do? As hurt as I was— I still cared about her. She asked to see me, so I said yes and we saw eachother. Bam! Amazing time together - we spent 3 hours in chapters and I had soo much fun, even though I don't even LIKE books! But the thing that bothered me the most, was that she never actually apologized for what she did to me before. I never mentioned it, I figured forgive and forget right? But it always stuck in my head. Fast forward again, 6-7 months later after seeing eachother(once a month) again. And this was because of my work, and her work, our schedules never matching up. This was the same reason before we were only seeing eachother once a month. I asked her to be faithful to me and be my girlfriend.. She says she thought she already was.. I was happy and we continued on. We eventually said I love you to eachother, I guess I said it first. Anyways of course I am man, and jumping from the playboy scene to this obviously was a little hard. I told her I was sexually frustrated.. I wanted her. She tells me she's a virgin! I was in shock. I told her, I can wait.. SHe then tells me she wants it too. So one night, we did it, I put no pressure on her, she willingly wanted to have sex with me even with my asking her if this is what she wants to do! So we did it, it was again amazing.. a couple weeks later, she said I could follow her twitter.. I don't use twitter, I honestly think it's a waste of time and that some people don't need to know what you are doing, you should be speaking to them directly with a text or phone call.. Anyways she asked me to add her, and then all of a sudden, it says on twitter(after creating account just to add her) that I have been blocked from the user. I phoned her the same night asking her why she blocked me, she said she didn't and that that was weird.. Anyways I left it as is since I had to worry about my business, then a week later I checked it and I was still blocked, I asked her, she said she never blocked me and that I shouldnt be blocked.. I am kind of a computer geek so i used illegal ways to get into her account- only to find a bunch of messages talking about her bf matt with a 3 about 8 months ago.. "Wait what???" I thought to myself.. wth.. What the fuck does that mean! I text her telling her we need to talk. I tell her what it's about through a text because she was busy at work– I told her to call me afterwork and then we will talk more then. We do, and now that I have caught her again, she says she didn't even kiss him, that she was doing a favor for him because he cried when she said no when asking her out. That I think was total bullshit because she would tweet it, and also put a "3" beside it.. What's worse.. in the tweets no mention of me.. more mentions of random guys she thinks is hot and flirted with!! no mention of me, except one time where she said "omg pick up your phone! If you are late for this one more time then we are THROUGH!".. One of the big things I forgot to mention — I guess is I have been late a LOT when I seen her sometimes, and I felt terrible but it was only because of work and the fact that I live half an hour away from her. It was still bad of me, and I am not sure if she felt this made her feel unimportant or maybe I am just thinking things.. I apologized a lot, and I was on time a good 30% of the time. It was still bad but the was the only thing I had seen on her tweets. Now like I said, i hate twitter, I dont use it, and I wanted to find out why she blocked me and then I did. I txted her asking her what is going on, she lied again.. and I demanded an actual answer before I leave. She said outloud I wasn't her type.. she says but now that doesnt matter because she loves me.. Not her type? yeah she was right, I looked at her exes.. Skinny Emo looking guys.. with jeans skin tight.. She said she needs to explain this in person, and there is a reason why she is not stable.I agreed to see her one last time for her to explain herself.. 2 weeks gone by without any saying that she scheduled a day off to see me. Nothing, no real effort, and she goes on about her everyday life as if nothing is going on. I said bye.. I should mention that in the past of this relationship, I've said bye plenty of times during arguements where I was reminded of her lying to me, but there was a problem. I could not leave, I was already in love with this girl. And it seems like god was stopping us from not remembering eachother.. It obviously coincidences but either she would call me back, or I would call her back. So anyways - I break down for only 6 days.. I txted her asking her for proper closure, for her to tell me she doesn't love me, thats it.. SHe refused.. she says she can't say that, because she does. I agreed to see her one last last time and that we should figure this out.. That happened last night.. where she explained to me that she has a twin sister, and that she killed her twin sister when she was much younger because of a stupid little dare. SHe bawled her eyes out telling me her family blames her for it. And all her life shes been screwing everything up. She explained to me she was engaged to someone who had moved away to europe, and that she still loves him.. In spite of all the hurt she gave me, trust me, it's a lot of hurt, spent days crying where I didn't think I would ever cry— I told her I'd give her one last try.. if she wanted it.. and she said she doesn't know what she wants anymore... The night ended and I drove her home. I went home.. told her that I thank her for being open about her problem. But I had realized we never actually worked on us.. just problems she has had and I accepted... no promises were made to me about how the relationship would go.. she said it herself that she doesnt know.. so I am back to square one.. Here I am not knowing how to handle the situation. Because like I said out of all the shit we went through.. shes all I can see to be with.. and the thought of her being with another guy destroys me.. My business has taken a tole because I can't concentrate.. so here I am needing advice.Here are some more facts about this situation(i have failed to mention):• I am fairly successful for my age, I drive a 2010 Lexus, and make more then $60k a year. I did this all by myself, my parents are poor so I had to make it so that they can have a better rest of their lives..• I pay for EVERYTHING every time we go out, everything.. A evening with her is usually between $20-$100.. Of course I can afford it.• I've bought her 3 gifts, 1 a small keychain she lost a long time ago with her phone..and was hard to find so I ordered it online.. A authentic gucci wallet for christmas.. and a diary book that she mentioned she really likes when we were in chapters..3 gifts in 2 years, and she never asked for any of them... • She doesn't have very much money, she's still in high school and working at the same time at $11/hour so I don't expect her to fork out money when spending time with me.. it would be nice if she showed something? make me a sandwich? lol• even with the 3 gifts I had given her, I haven't really received anything in return.. any sort of thoughtful thing would be nice.. • She's caused me to be insecure about myself over the past 2 years.. I was never insecure about myself before.. But because of the talk of all the hot guys she's met.. and the fact that she's never once said anything about my appearance other then I need to shave..No compliments.. I don't look like her type comes to mind.. I am definitely on the chubbier side I know that, but I don't look horrible i think..• Because she cheated and told me I "wasn't" her type. I constantly text her and I guess you can say I annoy her now.. but thats only because she's been neglecting me...• She makes me feel like shit sometimes but never intentional.. just things she says she doesn't really mean. For example she brings up circ de soleil and she says I should go, its really good, and I said maybe you should take me.. she says "you can take yourself, it's expensive".. is that a response I should expect? She could of said "I would love to but I can't afford it"...? Or another good one is when I asked her whos on her xmas list this year, and she says her sister, her best friend.. thats it.. no mention of anything for me, as last year nothing was given to me either..• One time I added her on facebook, I found out by accident she has 2 accounts.. and she won't add me to a specific one.. and on top of that, she's denied my request to list her at my girlfriend.. when I ask her, she says she doesn't know if this is real... Bullshit excuse?• Shes never let me take a photo of her and myself.. Yet I saw a million photos of her and her exes.. She never really tries to call me anymore.. Yet she just won't let me end this.From typing all this out I already feel like I am stupid.. but I am madly in love with her.. I wish I could just move on.. But I feel I need to do something before I just walk away.. She says she gave me her virginity, as much as I have annoyed her on the phone she never wants to end the relationship.. She's cried on the phone telling me not to go.. What does this mean??? Maybe because shes my first love? What do I need to do. Because it makes me miserable that this is where it's at.. And if I don't care of it, my own business will come down crashing on me and my own life will take a tole.. Why? Because with money, does not come true happiness.. I want her in my life.. but maybe she is no good for me. I need a slap in the face, or I could be completely overanalyze things...
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at work, best friend, christmas, engaged, facebook, flirt, her ex, I love you, insecure, money, move on, moved in, moved out, sexually frustrated, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TruongD +, writes (22 November 2010):
TruongD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJmtmj: I understand. It makes a lot of sense. How long did it take YOU to come to your senses?
Anonymous: I cannot express enough how much your post meant to me. After I read it over and over, just to make sure I got things right.. I immediately texted her telling her I need to speak with her. She arranged that we would talk at 11:30 on the phone. I told her to answer it at 11:30 to show me how serious she is about us. So came 11:30 and I called on the dot. She answered and she tells me her gay friend Paul is over so it's not the most appropriate time. I was thinking that she should of made him go home if this was serious to her. I told her there is no appropriate time for this, lets talk now. So I go on telling her how much shit she's put me through. I finally asked her — if I told her the story of us, to her, as a friend - would she tell me to leave her? She answered yes. Before I could continue she says that her phone is about to die and she needs to charge it. I suggested that I could call her on her house phone. SHe said please let her text me to call her on her phone when it's charged. I gave it - letting her know that if she does not text or call me when she's suppose to, then there will be no hope. So finally at 2am - I texted her a very long txt msg explaining to her I mean shit to her for her not calling me or texted me like she said.. I told her I don't need her anymore, that I have taken in enough hurt and lies, that she is no good for me and to never talk to me again.. I told her it's over and good bye. She replied back that I am a lying piece of shit - that she told me her darkest secrets when she never told anyone else but her first love before. I explained to her again - she lied first, and many times. Without an apology. She replied back "Your call. Lose my number". As much pain as I felt I knew it was the right thing. This morning I woke up feeling very sad wishing and hoping it could of just worked. But I know it would be delusional of me to continue on. I can't help but feel deep down inside, hoping that she would stop me, would possibly offer to change. But just as you said, she seemed like she didn't care. The only thing confuses me about this "relationship" or whatever it is — Is why she decided to keep me, if she doesn't love me why keep me. I have been annoying her for the past month, and she didn't just give up and let me go. WHY.. She got 3 gifts from me that she didn't ask me for, meals that I have to force her to go eat with me, it doesn't seem like I was a sugar-daddy. We only had sex 3 times out of this whole time. Why bother... Would you possibly know?
I can't help but express how thankful I am for your response Anonymous. As regretful as I feel about doing it, I just keep reading your post over and over until I get it through my head. THank you.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (21 November 2010):
 I dated a bi-polar woman on/off for a few years and I could easily write a novel on it, but at the end of the day dude, either you're gonna come to your senses or ya ain't...
So my advice remains...
Run... fast... she's toxic for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): hi TruongD thx for your kind words. In response to your question I just posted a very long follow up to you. Hope you find it useful and I wish you Happiness in the future
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): you present as an intelligent capable guy. And with a sensitive side, which can be cute, but it can also be an Achilles heel, which makes you vulnerable to manipulation by a scheming girl, which is not good.
This girl is not on your wave length. Many guys in this situation would just stop all phone /text/email/tweet/facebook/direct contact and delete her from their tweet/facebook/email/phone etc and the girl would get the message.
But you are not the same as 'many guys' and you want to do the right thing. But the trouble is that this girl is unstable. Her reaction to a rational discussion cannot be predicted.
Therefore i suggest you do still wait until she contacts you next, then when she asks why you have not called, be honest and say that your business needs more attention. No matter what her reaction, you then calmly tell her that she meant a lot to you, but that you no longer have the same feelings, nor time available to contact her, (and say it firmly like you mean it), and so you think it best to finish the relationship. Then end the call, no matter how many dramatic fanciful stories she concocts to sway you to stay. Then do all the previousky listed blocking above. And if she does call again, end the calls by reminding her 'it is over' and mean it.
I do not think you should waste more time with this girl. She owes you no more explanations. No debriefing sessions. No closure meetings. This is not a business arrangement. You must harden up a little and face that this relationship is going no where and has no hope of doing so, considering all the secrets, lies, and hidden parts of her life.
And please ensure that your next girl is earning similar to you, and has more of your ambition and is as smart as you, and as caring and honest and open as you. But right now you do not have time for a permanent girlfriend. And by the time you meet that girl above you will be a little older, wiser, smarter, and if you follow one suggestion below you will also be fitter and even more attractive as a man to many women and with a wider circle of friends to meet that special girl in a social setting amongst friends.
You have a business to run. At this early stage in your business that must be your First priority. To build your business and develop your business network of business clients, suppliers and colleagues and mentors and friends who can help you to do all you can to encourage your business to grow.
Start networking more amongst your peers to build your business. Join a Chamber of Commerce in your city of business owners. If you get invited to a public event, to meet other business people, then go.
And do join a group that meets once a month to help guys become better public speakers. This will become more and more important in your business as you grow your business. And meeting these guys for one hour, once a month will be a chance for you to demonstrate and practice punctuality, and to meet similarly ambitious people outside the realm of your business, in a professional setting. And this public speaking exposure will also help your confidence in you to grow. So there goes your one hour once a month opportunity, (that you used to allocate to your time with her). You are now too busy to see her.
And in the little spare time you do have left schedule some 30 minute daily visits to a gym, and get a personal trainer to assist you to develop a viable work out routine plus add in 30 minutes twice week swimming. You need to give yourself this 'time out' on fitness as it will help lift your endorphins (improve increase positiveness/forget painful relationship) and that will lift your mood. And getting just a little fitter will improve your business. And your body will thank you.
If you have a skerrick of time left over then i would suggest that once a month you offer 2 hours of your time to help out as a volunteer in a charity or program for homeless men or disabled people. This will get you outside the world of your business, remind you how fortunate you are, and allow you to give your time, not money, to show you how much some people need. Thus when you are earning millions you will know where you want to donate some dollars to charity in the future. The more successful business people become the more important it is to do these things (not for tax reasons) - it is for reasons of keeping grounded so that they do not become arrogant and out of touch with the real world when they are billionaires. Bill Gates does a geat lot of good in this way, supporting charities.
You do have plenty of time (in the future) to meet many girls, and enjoy many relationships until Ms very very special enters your life.
And you are experiencing the range of feelings any guy feels for the first girl he feels he truly loves a girl as 'the one'. The model girls you went out with were just dating 'sport'. You enjoyed then, but they were just 'fun'.
Whereas this girl touched your heart. And you thought she reciprocated to the same extent. And thus the romantic aim is (whether you were 13 or 33) that such a first real love for you would move towards a permanent 'happliy ever after' long term relationship. That romantic notion is so common, but unrealistic in most cases.
Reading between the lines she enjoyed your presents. But she was never yours.
I do not 'buy' her possibly partly true, and possibly exaggerted stories/excuses. I think she was lying to you, and unwilling to apologize to you. She has too much of an alternative life outside of her time with you. You are just a side issue in her life, not the main course.
Here are some more clues that you are the side dish: you never met her family. She was not proud to introduce you to all her friends as 'my boyfriend'. You are not given a prominent role on her Facebook as her beloved one.
She keeps you on ice as a once a month chore, yet she still has another life elsewhere, some of which she blocks from you. It does not bother her when she lies to you.
Despite all her tears and drama queen stuff i don't think she will be as bothered as you might think if you just walk away and get on with building your business.
By the way one easy way to tell when a man is no longer in love with a girl is when he adds up the monetary cost to him of a relationship. In a relationship where there is mutual love and respect no one counts the cost of outings, presents. In love you could sit on a riverbank and watch the water flow past, together, in silence, in total happiness, holding hands, feeling a positive glow all over, for hours together, and the time would feel like just minutes.
Real love is about sharing your all your hopes, dreams, ambitions and feelings openly, no barriers, complete honesty, feelings of mutual trust build and mutual respect grows. And as time passes you want to BOTH spend more time together, not limit the time you spend together. You find time for each other. You schedule time together. You are not consistently late for dates. Being late can mean someone is disorganised (not true of you), or someone thinks arrogantly that their time is more valuable than the other persons (i hope not true of you) or you are unconsciously reluctant about the meeting, but can't admit that to your conscious mind, so you do things that delay you, thus you are late, but publicly you try the excuse that you are late as you were so busy. (think about that one)
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A
male
reader, TruongD +, writes (20 November 2010):
TruongD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJmtmj: I appreciate your input. It's very straight forward and realistic. Although if you could give me some more of your opinion that would be great. Are you saying I should just leave it, not even try to say goodbye. Literally run away from this?
Anonymous: Thank you for your response - It allowed me to see that she isn't a normal girl and that her mental wellbeing isn't exactly straight on. How do you think I should end it?
Thanks guys!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): you are a capable good guy.
I've got news for you: real, loving relationships are not full of trouble and toil. When you do eventually find a girl who is real AND genuine you will realise what you have been missing.
I am also aware that up to 25% of people will need to seek treatment at some stage in life for some form of mental illness. Some minor, some very serious.
Your girl is possibly not well (she's not your girl really - you are just a side issue in her life - no matter how much you care)
If she is psychologically unwell you cannot make her well. You cannot even make her follow her treatment requirements. She has to want to follow the treatment.
Sadly, if this girl is unwell, she does need to get regular treatment and follow her Doctor's instructions.
She is very manipulative. Her actions have not been those of a genuine person. You will be put through far too much hell in the future, if you attempt to stay with this girl. And imagine if you had children with this girl? How much hell would she put your children with if she was unwell
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (20 November 2010):
Run... fast... she's toxic for you.
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