A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,I need some advice on my relationship.My partner and I have been together for 2.5 years. At the beginning of our relationship, we were long distance for about 8 months - before this we were best friends.I decided to move to the other side of the world just before our relationship started, as my family all live over here. My partner said she would come over here to be with me, and moved here after our long distance finished.She never really settled down here, and doesn't think she has made that many friends. She has also struggled to find work here, due to her not being a permanent resident.About 5 months ago she was offered a "dream" (her words) study opportunity interstate, so we moved from one state to the other - about 2000km. I left a job I was happy in, and found a job in this new state, which is ok, and set up a new life.Her study has turned into a bit of a nightmare, and now she wants out, even though the only reason we moved was for her to do this "dream" study. Alas, the study not working out is not her fault and it is not up to be what she should do. I can only advise what I would do.We went back to the motherland for Christmas this year, and she stayed behind to spend time with family for a few weeks. We kept in touch by text and skype, and as the weeks have gone on the communication has dropped off to the point where she is "too tired to skype" or "too busy" - which upset me. I brought this up on a number of occasions and it was met by anger that I was being "controlling" and that I "wouldn't let her spend any uninterrupted time with her family and friends who she hasn't seen for a year" Maybe I pushed the issue too hard, but all I wanted was to talk to the girl I miss so badly. She has told me today on chat that she wants to pack in the study and move back to the motherland, and that we should talk about splitting up, and that she is considering not flying back in a week when she is booked to.Her reasons for wanting to move back are;- family- friends- she thinks there are more job opportunities for her- she has been offered another study- she gets depressed here because she doesn't feel like she has any friends, and is missing out- she generally doesn't like it hereObviously I am really upset by this. I don't know what to do...The ultimatum is to come back to the motherland with her and find a job, or we split up.I moved away from the motherland 4 years ago, as my family live over here. I have just become a permanent resident here. If I leave now, and my visa runs out, because i have not got the mandatory 2 years as a permanent resident I lose it and it is tough to get back into the country. And to be honest, I love this country - my visits back 'home' have confirmed this.On top of that i have a job here, and the job market in the motherland is tough at the moment, especially as most of my skills are outsourced to other, cheaper countries, and I lack in relevant qualifications.I have tried to get her to see my version of sense, as if she quits her study her visa gets cancelled and she has to leave, but she is adamant that she does not want to do it anymore. I have also been preparing a visa application for her which means she can work full time, and not have to do her study, but this could take months to go through, and she says she is not willing to wait that long as she feels her career is slipping through her hands and holds no hope of finding a job as long as she is here.I don't know what to do... i love this girl, and i have for a long time. I would marry her, and I have tried to do what is best for us all along. The situation is straining our relationship, and it's looking like it is going to snap... Help!How do I resolve this? The way I see it is that, either way, one of us is going to miss out on something. I moved states for her, uprooted my life, and less than 6 months into the move she wants out. It is so upsetting!Now she wants me to move to the motherland, give up my job, my family and go back to somewhere I don’t want to be, with the possibility of it not working out and me being left in a country I left, with no partner, a badly paid job and no family. The double jeopardy is that by asking her to stay here, I am saying exactly the same thing to her…Life can be so cruel.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dataluke  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 I feel for you my friend, its a tough decision.
You have uprooted your life for this woman and now that your settled she's asking you to do it again, and that's just not fair.
Love is a powerful connection but sometimes its not enough. Why should you drop your entire life just because this woman who loves you changes her mind about where she lives? She's not being fair on you.
My advice would be to make her see that your life is there now and that you don't want to leave it. Tell her about the visa application and just ask her to wait, its then up to her what she does. What ever happens you will have your life and you home.
Sometimes you need to think of yourself before others, even when you love someone.
All the best, Dataluke
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