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female
,
anonymous
writes: My fiancee's mother recently passed away. I realize the impact that losing someone has on a person. I haven't lost my parents, but I lost two brothers to suicide. I expect the process of greiving and that he needs to go through all these emotions in order to heal and accept the lost. However, latley, he has been very distant and starting fights for no reason. I attempt to remain cool and get to the real problem but this doesn't always work. Often he becomes brutal and says harsh and abusive things. He has never hit me but the abuse caused by his own pain definatly leaves emotional scares. Our last fight became out of control and I am not sure I can get past the cruel things he said. I want to be there for him, but it is difficult to be understanding and supportive when he contridicts the "love he has for me." So I guess this is a two part question....1) How can I be supportive when he is so cruel at times2) How can I help him to deal with the grief in a way that does not impede on his ego or his "I've got this" mentallity?Thank you,On the brink.....
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female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (29 March 2006):
 You are a wonderful and caring young woman who has had more than her share of pain, you now feel you want to support your partner in the loss of his mother which is wonderful.
Are you certain that the way he is treating you is due to the loss of his mother, and if so he needs more help than you can give him as he is definatly very very down, and this may mean that he needs some councelling or maybe he has depression so will need some short term medication to help him over this awful period.
As you are already aware grief goes through a process and although the process is a similar one for all it is never totally the same for everyone, some get over loss faster than others and some grieve for years.
But having said this it is worrying me that he is using you as a verbal punch bag, as this is detrimental to your own health and wellbeing and to your relationship.
He definatly needs bereavment councelling and fast, for some reason he is in self destruct mode and is so wrapped up in grief that he cannot move past this or see what impact it is having on you.
Talk to him about seeing a doctor and getting some help, say that you are trying to support him and understand what he is going through but that you just cannot have him treat you in this cruel way and that you love him but he needs to not frighten you.
Stay strong and in doing so you will be strong for him, but remember you are there for him but not as his verbal punch bag.
Support and understanding is one thing, suffering abuse no matter what the circumstances are is another and you do not want to find yourself ill as a consequence.
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