A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Thanks in advance.I am a 43 yr old women. I am currently in a relationship(7 yrs now)... I feel stuck and depressed. We(He and I) have been through our ups and downs. I have given way too much to this relationship. I know this is my fault. I was promised a committed relationship in the beginning but that changed with time. I have always supported him emotionally, even financially at times. After a few years there was one excuse after the other of why we don't marry.I have always been very sexual. There was nothing I would not do for him in the bed. But as time went on. The sex was never enough for him. He needed variety. So we gave swinging a try. That did not work for me. We are now in an open relationship. I just can't seem to get involved with other men randomly. He has no problem. He starts seeing another women. He will see her once a week. After some time they want more. He tells them he can't be exclusive to them because of me. Eventually they get fed up and break up with him. Now he's starting up with another tonight. I don't know how to handle this anymore. Any advice on open relationships would be appreciated. I know I am in a no win situation. I have many times before tried to break the cycle. I am just feeling pretty defeated.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): Dash honey, I've been meaning to answer you back and I hope your still around and reading your mail. Thank you very much for the update and I hope your situation has improved.
It's your life babes, you need to take control of it, what do you want, what would be the perfect relationship for you.
You are very, very wrong honeypie. Most men would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship with the woman they love. Not all men like open relationships, not all men cheat. I am open minded. Some men and women like to live like this, and if it's what they like, then nobody should say their wrong. But the majority of relationships are not open, both men and women have possessive feelings about their partners and would feel very insecure if their partner was having sex with somebody else. If you want a guy to be faithful then you need to make this very clear, and if he can't be faithful to you then leave him, cause there are millions of men who are faithful, kind and considerate to the women they are with.
"I want to gain control and leave him in shock actually. I know this is not healthy but I would like him to experience a little pain he caused me." Ms anonymous 23rd September...
This statement makes me so very sad, you've almost made me cry and I hate that. Again, I was trying hard not to be judgemental. Many, many women find it hard to leave a bad situation, so it's best to break it down into stages, until you get the strength to leave and never look back. I didn't know what you were capable off. If you want to gain control and give him a big kick in the ass, then do it. Because in reality, this is what I would have done years ago.
Dump this selfish manipulative guy who shows you little respect and has made you insecure, poor and unhappy, time and time again. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING, he has hurt you and made you cry and has done all this on purpose. Throw him out, avoid him, delete his number and drop him like a hot potato. He has done nothing to enhance your life, and the sooner you are away from his crap and manipulation, the sooner you can breathe and feel free again. You can do it, many women have. Walk away and start enjoying your life again. Take care of you babes, I'm thinking about you and wishing you all the happiness in the world.
There are tons of words I'd like to say about what I think about him, but they are all offensive and rude..... Go and find your peace and happiness and do it today if you can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you so much all of you. DiovanLestat appreciate it:]Read all the post a few times each.Regarding open relationships. I think some men just need that variety once in awhile. But only if it's sex w/both parties agreeing..Or maybe i have been brainwashed over the years? But with no commitment to us as a couple first it does not work for me.Anyways, yes I am going to try and date this week and distance myself a bit. Like I said we have been seeing each other 4 days a week or more. Been on vacation to see his parents, kids etc. But no security and always wondering if she will be the deal breaker or he finds her more desirable is killing me. I know I cannot trust him...I will do everything you mentioned in your post....Again I so appreciate all of them. Very helpful...I want to gain control and leave him in shock actually. I know this is not healthy but I would like him to experience a little pain he caused me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): Hi honeypie, thanks for the update....
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear... You say you are 43years old, and you've already given 7years of your life to this man. He promised to marry you, he promised to change, he promised to treat you good. But now you are living back at your mum's because he has taken all your money away. This guy knows exactly what he's doing, he is playing games with you. He will never marry you because he doesn't need to. Sorry babes for hurting you, but you and I both know this is the truth. He has had you, he lived with you for 4years and instead of getting closer and getting married, he told you to piss off cause he needed his "space". He knows exactly what he is doing, he feels he has the power and you have none. You are the girl who loves him, who looks after him, who forgives him and allows him to do anything he likes. Other women come and go because they would not put up with such a stupid selfish dog of a man....
Anyway... enough of the abuse, lets get on to the problem shall we. It's a case of how much can you stand. You say he sees you 4 times a week. That's good, that means he cares for you enough to want to spend time with you. You are sensible with your body and you get medical checks. That is also good. But condoms are really the best thing, if you catch something bad it will be too late by the time you get checked, so please think about using condoms. Don't feel ashamed, take control and tell him.. "I don't know where you have been, I'm not risking my life by having unprotected sex with you again."
Your don't mind having an open relationship. Again that's your choice, but to be fair, in open relationships you should also be out having fun. I bet if you started seeing other guys he would stop all this open relationship stuff. If your strong enough I would love you to do that. Go on dates with other people, hang out with your girlfriends, go and have fun, so that your not always available. You should have fun and romance too. Why not, if it's good enough for him it's good enough for you. Start dating again, your a young woman, go and have fun just like him.
It's about you babes, not him. Go and make your bloody world bright again. What do you want to do? You could leave him and have nothing to do with him. If that is too hard, then you could just see him less often, find other things to do. Replace him with other hobbies, interests, family and friends. Go and spend time with your ex. Start using the Internet to flirt with other men. Go on dates.
If that is too hard, then keep him. But make sure you regain some power, control and self-respect. He can only hurt you if you allow him to. Watch the way he behaves, look at how he talks to you, how he acts and then do exactly the same to him. Trust me, this will work. Some men will behave badly, it's time for you to behave badly too, treat him with the same bad behaviour that he gives to you. If he goes dating, you go dating as well. Your broke, start nagging him about money, tell him you need some, or you will come and take his furniture and sell them on eBay. Have fun, get strong, start standing up to him. He won't know what the hell hit him, he will be more careful around you.
Here's a very, very long post, that me and some of the aunts and uncles were involved in. If you have a couple of hours, please take a look at this. This lady got her guy to change, it took a lot of courage and hard work, but eventually he learned to be polite and treat her better...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-the-one-who-dictates-everything-now-and.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your honesty. I do know this is a mess. I have tried many times leaving standing up for myself. Of course he comes back crying, begging, that he will change we will marry. I wanting to believe this gets sucked back in. The open thing would not bother me as much if it was dealt with in a different way?
In the beginning we were to be married. We then lived together for 4 years. Then he needed more space so I moved out. I have been living on my own for 2 years. But we have still been seeing each other 4 nights a week or more...I also get checked regularly for STD's.
He has his house, his toys, his security he attained with my help because when I lived with him I payed a big part of rent. Also my 1/2 for everything else...I had to move back to my mom's house recently to save money because things are so bad out there economy wise. He makes demeaning cracks about that also.
Just for the record I was married once before long time ago and raised 2 boys by myself. They are on their own now. This was actually my first long term relationship since my divorce. I know i need to detach . Is it best to back off slowly or cut off everything immediately? Thank you again...:[
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): Hi honeypie,
How the hell did you get yourself into such a bad situation. You know and I know that you deserve more than this. You have given this man everything, but you get little in return. Cupid guy is right, unless your using condoms he may return with a sexual disease that will threaten your life. Why do you put up with this, why do you let this stupid, selfish man ruin your life. Didn't you have dreams as a little girl, didn't you dream of a prince charming who would love and protect you and treat you like a princess? There is nothing wrong with open relationships as long as both parties are happy, but your not happy, and this is not an open relationship. Your guy is disrepecting, he goes and lays down with other women, he has sex with them and comes back to you when he gets bored.
You are still a young woman, you have a brilliant lovely life ahead of you. Can you live like this for 10 more years, can you do this for 20. This is your life, this is the life you have choosen for yourself. Why do you put up with this, do you think this guy is so special that anyone else would put up with this. Take back your door key, throw away all his clothes, change your phone number, go and stay with family and friends untill he goes away. This is pure abuse, it's not right. You sound like a very lovely woman, it breaks my heart to know that your living this way. Please find the strength to leave him, I swear to you, I give you a promise, in little under a year you will happier as soon as you dump this abusive leach of a man..... YOU DESERVE BETTER, DON'T PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP. THROW HIM OUT WITH THE REST OF THE RUBBISH.
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