A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I'm in a bit of a pickle and don't know what to do for the best.I split with my girlfriend of 7 years in Dec 05. We were living together along with 3 children from previous relationships and our own little boy. We had a huge fight and I asked her to leave so went back to her parents taking our little boy with her. I only intended it to be for a short period but the situation got so out of hand I knew there was no way she was going to come back.In March 06 I met someone new, I told her that I was still getting over the break up with my ex and that I still had feelings for her. Nevertheless we became a couple. The relationship between my ex and I had declined so much that I really thought we'd never even be friends again.In the summer my new girlfriend lost her job and home so I let her move in with me, it was only meant to be a short term thing while she got herself sorted. It didn't take me long to realise that it was too soon but I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I had an accident in November and she was a real help and I appreciated her help but my feelings towards her were turning into the sort of love you have for a sister. I know she knew something was up as she often sent me text saying she thought I didn't want her around but we never actually discussed it. I didn't feel I could turn round and say I'm better so you can go and Christmas was coming too, it all got a bit messy. At Christmas my sister spoke to me as she realised I wasn't happy.During all this time my ex and I had an up and down relationship that went dramatically down towards the end of the year. We agreed to try mediation which started in Jan 07. At first it felt a bit hostile but then we gradually started to get along again. Part of the mediation was an agreement to spend time together with our son. You can probably imagine how my girlfriend felt about all this, we argued and I eventually stopped talking to her about it cos I wanted to enjoy the time I spent with my ex and little boy.I told my ex that my relationship was failing and that I could see no future in it. Her opinion was that she felt I was being cruel to my girlfriend in not talking to her, that I should allow her to move on and find someone else. I could see her point. I also began to have feeling for my ex again, although to be honest they never entirely went away. I flirted a bit, we spoke and she told me that she still had feelings for me but that she didn't want to go back to the way things were and besides I was still in a relationship.Anyway one thing led to another as you can imagine. Being with my ex again felt good and natural and I felt relaxed in her company. I know we should have held back but we didn't. Anyway I told my girlfriend that our relationship wasn't working with her living with me and that she needed to move out. She of course blamed my ex and made threats towards her. I managed to convince her that it wasn't the case. I wasn't happy lying to her but I wanted to keep the peace at home especially for my other children. They naturally were upset too as they were quite fond of my girlfriend.I told her she could stay until she found a place of her own. After all she hasn't done anything wrong, our relationship just came to a natural end as far as I'm concerned. I know she probably thinks that moving out will improve things and we'll still be together but I really don't feel I can be that truthful with her while she is still under my roof.I have enjoyed the company of my ex girlfriend for some weeks now and our little boy loves having Mum and Dad around. We have decided that once the dust settles we are going to go to Relate.Things at home have been difficult though. My girlfriend (now lodger) is extremely suspicious. She has checked my mobile a few times, she has been through my computer and personal belongings all in an effort to find 'something' out. She calls and texts me constantly wanting to know what I'm doing, where I'm going, who I'm with. I am constantly looking over my shoulder. I can't ask her to go because that will look even more suspicious and besides she has no where to go.There was an unfortunate face to face encounter a few weeks ago when my lodger was aggressive and abusive towards my ex. She went for her but I got inbetween them and she clobbered me instead. Throughout it all though my ex remained very calm and handled the ordeal very maturely. Can't say the same for my lodger and I told her I was disgusted with her behaviour. She also tried to drag my children into it by making out I was doing something wrong and I told her this was out of order.My ex and I have had to back off and I know it is hurting her deeply, she feels I have lied to her, all the love I have shown her recently she feels I can dish out and take back when I feel. She wants to text me, talk to me but she knows she can't and I feel so useless not being able to be there for her.My lodger has found a flat and is due to move out in a few weeks time but to be honest I'm half expecting her to say its fallen through at the last minute. That will put me in a really awkward situation. Even when she does move out my boys will want to see her and I'm sure she will use this as an excuse to see me too. I'm dreading telling her things will be over permanently and what she may do to my ex cos I know she will blame her.I also need to explain to my boys that she needs to move on and she can't do that if she is still seeing me and ultimately them. My ex has tried to be very understanding and supportive and I marvel at her patience but I know if we are to stand any chance of reviving our relationship my lodger has to go out of my life completely. I hate hurting people and at the moment I'm hurting two people I do care about. I hate the thought that my lodger is actually dispensable.This really is a horrible mess. What do I say if she says her flat has fallen through, its taken almost 2 months to get this far, don't think I could take another 2. How do I explain to her that there is no chance for her to be with me after she goes? How do I explain to my children that they shouldn't really see her anymore cos she needs to move on (they are both teenagers by the way and have no contact with their birth mother)?Sorry for the length.
View related questions:
christmas, ex girlfriend, flirt, move on, my ex, period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chirpychicken +, writes (22 April 2007):
 hey hun...
what a mess! I read all your story and I have to say I have never been in a suitution like that myself but it sounds as though your "lodger" is really taking the piss! Get her out, stop feeling bad and move on. Your ex is the mother of one of your kids and you were together long before this "other woman" came along. I know she has been a rock for you in the past but sometimes realtionships dont work and she is really out of order checking your phone, asking you where you are all the time etc etc... it's nothig to do with her anymore! you are not with her anymore so dont feel guilty you have done enough for her. tell her it's time to move on and i agree with everything Royofthe Rovers said. Tell her!
I hope you get on ok xx
A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (20 April 2007):
 I think you need to be strong about this. It is clear that the "lodger" is a bit of a loose canon and the relationship has gone past its point of return.
You cant trust anyone like that. You have to tell your girlfriend/lodger outright and to the point what your intentions are. It sounds like she wont like it however you put it and when ever you tell her anyway.
Get your children out of the house or meet her somewhere and explain to her how you feel. I would feel fairly threatened by this kind of behaviour, especially with my children around witnessing all this.
You have an obligation to your children safety and well being, this girl needs to go. Her time has been and gone and it sounds like the relationship was never a special one anyway.
Maybe you will seem like the bad person in all this, but you have made your choice, you need to carry it through now.
In regards to the flat. Does she have a contract? Probably not. She does'nt have a leg to stand on. You could tell her your ex is moving back due to your changed feelings, therefore your hands are tied due to children being involved.
If she is still seeing any kind of logic or reason she will have to find a place to live. if she lies about the flat/house falling through, how long are you expected to keep your life on hold with her around looking over your shoulder?
...............................
|
