A
female
age
,
*disillusionedwoman
writes:Dear anyoneI've been married for nearly 30 years and weve had our ups and downs. It turns out my ex to be hubby has been a secret cross dresser all of our married life. he has hidden it so well that i didn't have a clue until he came out and told me he wanted to be my sister rather than my hubby. He's now changed his mind and wants to remain male and to top it all, he's gone off with another woman. i can't get over the shame and anger i feel. Does anyone have any sensible suggestions and ways of picking myself back up off the roadside?
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female
reader, adisillusionedwoman +, writes (18 October 2010):
adisillusionedwoman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your answers. It's not easy to post your troubles on a strange website and I was very sceptical of the replies I might receive. You are all correct and I have to learn to leave the baggage behind and move forward in a positive way. I am just starting to feel as though I am turning a corner and with your support, it has made it easier. Thank you
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): You have nothing to be ashamed of. It is incredible how well people can hide things from those they live with, it is rather easy when the person they live with trusts them a lot.
My spouse is an alcoholic, and I was watching for it because of the family history, on top of that I'm in the medical profession, yet never saw it coming. My spouse was drinking and driving and I didn't know it, in fact my spouse had always been super cautious about alcohol as far as I knew, and I've never seen my spouse intoxicated...over more than a decade when I was home every single night.
But, when I was at work during the day another story was working.
So, forgive, do that when you can. It will help you.
Get counseling, and understand this better.
Help yourself, take care of yourself.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 October 2010):
 Something I forgot to mention..
You have NOTHING to feel shame and humiliation about.
You did NOTHING WRONG.
This event does not define you. How you react to it will define you and you CHOSE your actions.
-Frank
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (17 October 2010):
I am so sorry this has happened to you.
First thing is see if you can find a support group in your area for friends of LGTBF. There you will meet others we are struggling with similar situations and like you, they will be going through the same emotions.
Another thing I want to suggest is to look at books on bereavement. In addition to the shock and anger (resentment and betrayal), you are also dealing with a loss. You have lost your life partner (at least the one you thought you had). Even though he is alive, the nature of your relationship with him has changed so significantly, that the original one you had has no been lost to you, and I think it would be helpful to learn about grieving. Whether a loss through death, or the loss of a significant relationship the emotion of grief is still the same. It will be different for how the emotion is dealt with.
You are in a period of transition. You are dealing with the coming of a "new normal". This will take work of acceptance on your part for what has happened to you, and to be able to move on and continue to find meaning in your life.
Your husband has issues to deal with. Not just for the cross dressing, but also for how he has chosen to conduct himself. It would be near impossible for him to communicate to you what he wants, when he is still unable to decide that for himself. Unfortunately, you have been hurt by his inability to understand himself, and I would suggest he seek therapy as well. He has a lot to sort out.
My main concern is for you. The level of loss you are dealing with could be almost traumatic on an emotional level and it is so important not to give into a constant stream of hatred that can result of something like this.
That is why I would suggest that you seek out the support groups and a grief councilor for yourself.
I wish you peace.
-Frank Kermit
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (17 October 2010):
 Hi there,
I don't know if the moderator said it or if you feel it but the shame and humiliation is probably more a feeling of betrayal and disappointment by someone you had by your side for 30 years.
The man you fell in love with wasn't who he portrayed himself to be. Perhaps his request to be your sister was because the relationship had turned into more of a friendship than passionate partners. I believe (like the other poster said) that your husband became confused, knew he was living a lie but part of his lie was how he felt towards the relationship.
So, you are left now with getting over the feelings for a man who hasn't existed for probably a long time. Realize that this hurt and betrayal you feel will be better with time. Find some good friends and go out to movies, bowling and just get out. Find some hobbies or volunteer, meet new people and slowly put yourself back out there.
Part of moving on is sorting out your feelings. You will be in denial, angry, confused and sad but eventually you will realize that while your ex was living a lie, so were you. Only you did not know it. This is your opportunity to accept what has happened and you will move past all of this. If you get stuck in depression or victim mode go get some help to get past it.
Be good to yourself. Get a new haircut, a new outfit that makes you feel happy and remember to eat healthy and exercise as this will make you feel better on it's own.
Take care,
Kelja
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 October 2010):
 Ok well i can understand that this must have came as a huge shock to you especially when you think you know the man that you married.
But i think you also need to understand that he is the same person you married only he had this huge secret and it must have taken a lot of courage to tell you as he was obviously afraid of being accepted for who he really was. Two many people cover the truth these days to avoid being outcasted.
He is hugely in the wrong though for falling in to the arms of another woman, it sounds like he is really confused at the minute and was fed up with living a lie.
I think it may be best for you to go and get some councelling to deal with all of this because its a lot for you to take in, they will be able to listen to you and advise you on whats the best way to deal with it.
Try and not let the shame fall on to you, at the end of the day just remember you have done nothing wrong and this is who your husband always was, it wasnt you or anybody else that drove him to cross dress and want to be a woman.
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