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female
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anonymous
writes: I am going through a very very hard time. I have pretty much been hurt and torn apart emotionally.I met my first serious boyfriend when i was 20..almost 21..he was my first sexual experience, the first guy i loved..pretty much most of my firsts were with him. He was older but that wasn't even an issue with me. I liked it. He was confident and there was just something about him; he didn't need to be in a relationship etc. He wasn't perfect but i made alot of mistakes..i didn't know any better which maybe sounds like an excuse because i had warnings from him and everything but i just didn't think it would lead to a break up. We were together for 3 and a half years..after the first year i think i expressed jealousy too much and it became a bad habit, fighting over petty stuff, questioning him like i didn't trust him. I was just insecure back then and didn't have much experience. I didn't have enough independence and started to rely on him a little too much; it is basically like i suffocated him..its not like i called him all the time and we saw each other basically 3-4 times a week.The fact is--he knew i loved him very much; it wasn't about me partying or anything like that..the mistakes i made above is what caused him to break up with me. I texted him a few times throughout the next few days but it didn't get anywhere but he did say i wish we can still talk even if we aren't together along with alot of other things of course. For some reason i shouldn't have made it all or nothing...i should have took him up on it because i dont think it was a line.The truth is--I absolutely realized my mistakes and know i could never and would never do these things again; it is not healthy for them or me. I learned that i need to have a life outside of a boyfriend. But it was just hard at the time because i had work and school and then i was just adjusting to a full time job at the time. (throughout the time apart i should mention i did try online dating and going out--it made me feel absolutely worse..noone compared at all)I contacted him 4 months later through text stating how i still loved him and know things could be different and it was petty things that broke us apart. He said he couldn't do that right now etc and we didn't speak a word in 4 months; it's not a switch. etcLooking back at this i feel like i was foolish to contact him like that..i feel like i went about it wrong and there is another regret in my life.10 months pass and i left him a voicemail in august (last august) and just casually said i was thinking about him and wondering how he was and if he wants he can call me back. He called back pretty much right away and we spoke. And i admitted everything about how sorry i was and what i did back then was wrong and i was young and just didn't realize what it was doing to you and to us.We spoke again soon after He basically said this would be like starting over for him and it would take alot of time. But i think he was still scared to just come back which i know he wouldnt do anyway (its not in his personality to run back)..he even mentioned at one point and what happens after a year when we are attached again and then this starts happening.We basically spoke on and off for a year..sometimes every few days for 2-3hrs, sometimes it took him days to get back to me. I pretty spent the year in a lot of anxiety hoping he would just give me a break, that would eventually see each other.He did admit in november he didn't want anything serious, didn't want to be someone's boyfriend. I felt like i handled that wrong as well because i spoke to him on the phone for about hour about it trying to explain like i just want to spend time with you and i know you are having a hard time believing me. But still at times it almost seemed like we were going to meet and he was open to it and then at times he disappeared again. Needless to say this year i spent worrying alot because I really wanted to see him again because i knew in my heart things would be different if he only gave me some time in person.We start speaking a little bit more again and in june i just suddenly asked are we going to see each other soon or no? in a nice tone..i had a bad feeling and he tells me he can't see me right now because he has someone visiting. I wanted to die..he said he met someone over a year ago while they were on vacation and they are from another country and they are visiting; it was only supposed to be for a few weeks but it is going to be for a few months (i guess that is the visa they gave when she was passing the border). I just couldn't believe it. I was crying and just so upset. When we spoke more calm about things i did say i wasn't worth seeing this whole time? etc...he basically said he didn't think it was going to be for this long and he also said in a few months she is going to be gone again; it is not a permanent thing...he said the only way she can stay is if i marry her which is out of the question and not even a consideration.At the end i told him if this is what is making you happy then you should do it..things were left on a good note that we would talk again and maybe see each other after all of this. I went through the summer leaving him alone. I texted him on his birthday even during the day so i dont interrupt anything. He called for my birthday which is august so i assumed she was gone and it seemed like she was. 2 weeks later i give him a call and eventually i did ask about talking more often and seeing each other and he agreed without any hesitancy..I just thought after this long--it would still be worth seeing him in person, face to face. We spoke a few times and our conversations seemed to be going really really well...and about 3 weeks ago he was even hinting and joking like his apartment could use a cleaning or teaching me this, borrowing this.I was going to ask about meeting but then he said he has a call coming through and would call me back. No call back and 2 weeks passed without a call. I became very nervous and decided to call. He texted the next day saying sorry he fell asleep early etc etc..i said it was ok and he then texted how he has been wanting to see if i can hang out but i need to know in december she will be coming backI felt like i was stabbed in the back; i just can't even explain the pain i felt. I called immediately and we spoke and he basically said he didn't think she would be able to come back this fast but she is able to switch jobs for awhile and i agreed.So basically i am thinking it was her who called and he agreed that night and that is why i suddenly didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. I asked alot of questions like why is this so easy to do to me and not to her and he said i guess because i havent seen you in awhile and i already know what to expect with this person.He said if it falls apart or something happens it is not something i am going to lose sleep over. He said the break up was hard and i don't want to go through that again. I said if it was even hard for you, it was 10 times harder for me and i still tried.I explained everything like this year wasn't easy at times and how many times i hoped that you would just give me a chance to see how i changed in person.I said i have alot of regrets and feel very bad for how i was back then..he even started getting angry at me because we were repeating things which he hates and even started saying this what i am avoiding; when you don't get your way it is like you are trying to change my mindI pointed out to him matter of factly--i havent heard barely anything i wanted to hear this year and when did i ever get demanding with you over it or anything? I gave you your space even when it was hard this year wondering if i was going to get a call etc. I just thought it was worth it because in the end i just wanted to see you and hang out with you.But now i feel like i made a mistake with that. He said he doesn't want to be a boyfriend and i pretty much said that is the biggest contradiction..she is going to be living with you again. So then he said i guess if you want to call it dating then it is. And that he isn't dating now and isn't going to date someone when he is dating somebody else.He said he would see me next week if i wanted if i know it is not going to lead to more and i basically said there is a deadline on things and it just makes things weird. So he then even suggested afterwards then which would be april. So they are basically going to live with each other for 4 months. She is going to be around him for xmas eve, xmas, nye, and valentines day.He asked if i wanted to speak before all of this and i just said ok but i basically said if you want me in your life some way and some how then you have to reach out to me because it isn't fair if it is on me all the time. It is too emotionally difficult and he said ok.I know there is basically no hope..maybe i just didn't want to leave everything on bad terms because who knows what the future can bring and i wanted to handle things as classy as i could. I also said i don't see myself reaching out to you during this situation because i am not the type to intrude or ruin things. With my voice cracking i said i do want you to be happy and i do care about you.I just have so much regret and i dont know what to do; i don't know how to live with the regret of my mistakes.Some people said if you were as bad you say you were--it doesn't even matter because he made up for it this year by stringing you along needlessly. He knew how much i wanted to see him..i dont think many people call up the person and admit all their wrong doings and how they changed after time passing and fought to make up for it.I just don't know how to live with the regret. What do i do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, gigolojone  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 I think you have said all you had to say to him,made all your regrets known and he has given you all the signs that you are never going to be together again,he has even ushered in someone new in his life.
At this point i must say you are acting too needy and no body likes someone who acts needy.
Insisting on calling,texts,and wanting to meet him is just an addition to all the previous mistakes.
In love,you win some and lose some.
Please try to accept your loss as much as it is very hard to move on past the regrets. Inside you there is that energy that can help you move past all that and please also remember...fate determines our future.
Give him a break,try to keep yourself busy,go out there and make new friends. If he is meant for you and comes back when you are still a free woman,you can take him back.
Please do not waste your beautiful youth on someone who has already moved on.
Good luck and please be strong for you can make it.
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