A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:How can I get along with my sister when I don't even like her?I am the youngest daughter, my 2 sisters are at least 9 years older than me. I don't get along with the oldest very well, and i can't trust her with personal problems because 1)she might use them against me - intentionally or not - she recently botched up a relationship between my dad and my fiance who already don't know how to get along with each other. 2)she doesn't know what to do with the information 3)she doesn't have the tact or the patience to investigate deeply into the core of my problems 4)she might be 36 years old, but she has very little life experience whatsoever (She likes living and revelling in the past.)5)if I have problems with friends, she DELIGHTS in gossiping about them like it's a tabloid, she likes passing judgment. (She only has three friends - my other sister, her husband and our niece) When most of the time I just want a listening ear. 6) if I have a relationship problem, she is a hardhearted cynicist (she has been single for the last 15 years, and the closest pseudo-sexual relationship she has is with her ex-roomie in the US. We have been living in Singapore for the last 3 years). THey had been sleeping together on and off for 5 years I'm assuming because she only came out of the closet about it last year. SHe says she's finally fallen in love with him and has this gruesome dreamy look in her eyes as if she thinks that's what you're supposed to look like when you're in love. 7)And if I come to her with my problems, she always brings up problems in her own life. They're not serious problems at all, but she always has to make out as if they are MORE important than mine. We argue over facts in our personal histories, which is unfair to me since she's been abroad 3/4 of my life anyway. I feel like I've been the punching bag or the dumping ground for anything that's happened in her life, but she expertly and adriotly positions herself as the divine victim in our relationship. SHe blames me, I blame her. WHen we have discussions about our relationship and I talk to her about her reactions to me, she blames me for being so honest - like "How else can I react when you're saying that I do [this] or [that]." and I respond with, "But if you're ASKING me why I can't get along with you, and you sincerely want to solve this problem, then shouldn't you be listening instead of reacting?"At the end of the day, I always lose in our minor debates, our arguments, our discussions about our relationship... SHe has no appreciation for what I do, because God help me if there's ONE thing out of place, it's the only thing she'll end up mentioning - even though her own bedroom is a pigsty, her own life is run by our father who God-bless-his-soul knows how things are supposed to be done and likes them done that way, her own life is passionless and scared and dainty. She always forgets to tell me the important things and yet calls me up about the irrelevant stuff... I got woken up the other day because she saw this guy at the post office with three hairs, but not once in the two hour conversation I had with her the other day did she mention that she was displeased with the division of property left to us by our uncle. ie. i got 10 acres and she got 5. I was told by my father later that she wanted MY land, but to be fair to my sister, she probably just asked if we could re-divide it.
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reader, AskEve  +, writes (22 February 2007):
 Don't tell her your personal problems, you know she gossips and can't keep a secret, you've seen that from past experiences so don't trust her with things you don't want anyone else to know. She can't help being that way, it's just the way she is but you shouldn't hate her for it, just be aware that if you can't trust her to keep her mouth shut!
It may be, because of the age difference she feels she SHOULD know the answers to your problems but the fact of the matter is.... she doesn't! She's not diplomatic or interested enough to find out the facts so what she's not sure of she makes up. I think you would both get along much better if you were to sit down with her one day and listen to HER problems. You know she's not interested in yours, she has too many of her own but because she's the older sister she's MEANT to be able to deal with them... the sad fact is though... she doesn't know how to. You, on the other hand seem to be able to listen better so you be the more mature one here and get HER to open up more.
I think your sister just wants to be heard, she thinks she is the only one who has problems and of course her problems are far worse than yours, after all she's older and "wiser!!" lol Let her think that if it makes her feel better! ;o) From what you've written, you seem much more grounded than she does and she needs YOU more than you need her, so let her talk, let her get things off her chest. You be the best sister to her that you can possibly be. She has a lot of emotional issues that she's probably kept built up inside her, let her talk to you about them and just listen...
She's older, she thinks she knows it all, she thinks it's her RIGHT to talk down to you and tell you what to do, but you know deep inside that she is the one with the real issues but she would NEVER see that let alone admit it. You're knocking your head off a brick wall trying to tell her this as she's oblivious to the fact so don't, keep it to yourself. Next time you talk to her, listen to what she has to say about HERSELF. I'm sure it won't be long before her problems come up anyway, you just might be surprised how a little patience and a listening ear can completely turn her around. Don't try to fix anything when she talks, just listen....
As for you telling her your problems... don't go there! She wouldn't be able to keep them to herself even if it killed her. Talk to her about little things, mundane things but not the important issues in your life, find another friend you can trust to talk about that to. Your sister sounds a bubbly person, fun to be with (on the surface) but underneath is quite sad, maybe even a little jealous of you so be patient with her. Next time you see her throw your arms around her and give her a big hug... if she asks you "what's that for...?" reply "It's because you're my sister, and I love you!" See her reaction. :o)
Eve
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (22 February 2007):
 hi
i think this is something you need to forget all together and move-on with your lives if you really want to get along, you have written a list of things you dont like about her and i suppose if we ask her to write hers she will also has a giant list to back herself up. you guys are sisters and sisters do fight, sometimes they do criticise each other but at the end of the day they are family and should get along. i have 5 biological sisters we are very very close we know what is happening between each other's lives but that doesnt mean we dont fight or annoy each other sometimes i feel like hating my older sister who always thinks she is the best sista God has given us and my mother says it openly that she is her favourite and given that you can imagine who she believes if we are fighting, but at the end of the day we acknowldge the fact that we are stuck with each other and have no choice but to love and support each other, everytime our fights brings us together. we have also realised that we need each other more than we think for example: she has the strongest quality, friendly, like fights she is practically tomboy always getting herself into trouble and me on the other hand although 4yrs younger have peace making quality and will always get her out of trouble so this is where some of our characters compliment each other.
your sister might appear like a pain to you but if you look deeper u will find somethings in her that connects you as sisters. stop counting her mistakes or shortcomings and start counting the blessings of having her as a sister. the reason she is the way she is and you are who u are shows that you two different people who need each other, i think she seem sweet to me she calls you just to share trivial things that she found funny like the guy with three hair. i think you seem tooo uptight loosen-up a bit it takes two people to make a relationship learn to forgive her flaws, she doesnt have to be your role model but she can be human right?
the only way to get along is to stop seeing her faults and help her be the sister you want thats all it takes, tell her you understand how different they are but you are willing to forget all the past experiences and move forward believing that the two of you has a chance of living a normal life as sisters which includes friendliness, tolerance or patience,encouragements, compromise or sacrifice, love, disagrements and sometimes unacceptable remarks but you will be willing to embrace this and love her as a sister open your heart to this possibility if it doesnt work please send me a private message and we will take it from there.
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