A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles I feel so lost lately. I grew up working class. Dad worked in a factory and my mom stayed home with all of us kids. My father also pushed me to study to get ahead. The household was VERY hectic. He was mentally ill(talked to himself a lot) and my mother had a traumatic childhood. No drugs or anything but everything else you can imagine, not enough money, not a good neighborhood, parents having massive blowouts, etc) my mom was like a 14 year old stuck in a 40 year old body. I also have a very disabled brother that they were scared to institutionalize despite him being physically aggressive multiple times a day, almost every single day. I wanted an escape and got pregnant at a very young age. Flash forward, I enrolled in college when he was just an infant I earned an advanced degree when I was 28, obtained some good jobs, bought my own home by 29 (without roaches and etc.) I was lucky to send my child to private school and he’s now starting college. Here’s the issue that’s been ongoing. I do not fit in at all. People who are supposedly “on my level” want nothing to do with me for either more than an acquaintance in terms of friendship and nothing more than a friend w benefits in terms of dating. I’m also a person of color. I don’t have tattoos or act all crazy. I don’t even drink alcohol. I feel shunned by my community. I tried hanging out w my old childhood friends and they would ask for money or bring me other problems like being way too loud and my neighbors call the cops. I like volunteering and I still do but I have superficial relationships with them. What’s wrong with me? I don’t fit in anywhere. Maybe I seem rough around the edges and scare the people I’m around in the affluent town I’m in. Not sure what to do. Thanks for reading all this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2021): Try to fit yourself in,ask your relatives and do what you think works for you and them
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2021): People can go to church 7 days a weeks; that doesn't make you a better Christian. It's living your life according to scripture, and actually mimicking Christ's behavior. Loving God with all your heart, mind, and soul.
I guess people drive their children from God by making serving God a chore. Church, church, church! It's a good thing, but how you live outside the church and what's in your heart is what God's looking for. It has to be done from the heart.
God gives us grace, mercy, love, healing, protection, provision, comfort; and promises immortality with Him in heaven. The least we can do in return is love Him, try to obey Him, and He rewards us with blessings.
When life is empty and seems we're abandoned by others; a Christian has no excuse. We are linked to God by faith and prayer. If serving Him is too much work, or inconvenient; then we should give back all the blessings bestowed upon us. We never earned His blessings in the first place.
We take credit for what we have. Then if we're so capable of getting whatever we want, then why can't we find true fulfillment and joy? That's because it all comes from God. We need God more than He needs us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your advice. I actually am a Christian and maybe that’s why I seem different to people. I don’t mention my beliefs until the other party brings it up. I do that bc my mom converted so my brother would be healed but she became very devout and irrational. For example, we would attend church sermons by force up to 6 times a week. Sermons were also very long in duration.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2021): This is unorthodox advice. You need to bring God into your life. If you believe there is a Holy God, then take it to the next level. Seek to serve Him. Find yourself a place of worship; and keep searching until you find yourself a good spiritual home.
I too am what some might consider nerdy and an odd-ball, I'm a loner at heart...but strangely, people gravitate towards me. They tell me intimate things and share their life-stories; and I don't know why. I came here to DC in my own pain; but decided to help others. God brought me through my pain, and I fully recovered from my heartbreak. I think it's a gift from the Lord to be helpful to others. I try to give comfort and share wisdom to help people. I pray a lot, and pray for those I love, and those I don't even know. I'll even pray for you!
Jesus was always a part of my life; but there was a period that I got caught-up in ambition and making a lot of money. I had a lot of phony-friends; but the people who really liked me were folks I hardly knew. I'd be waiting inline at the bank and strangers chitchat with me. People at work, know my name; though we haven't been introduced. I'd be out walking, and someone would ask me to help them with something...not knowing me from Adam, or a can of paint! I just do what the Holy Spirit tells me is right. It's not an audible voice; it's a feeling that compels you. I try to develop a system of prayer and worship; so I can navigate my way through a scary, mean, hateful, and out-of-control world. I can't do it without God, I need Him too much! Bad things still happen to me; but I never face them without God at my side! Prayer is my sword and shield! God is my everything!
It's not what you were expecting anyone to suggest to you. God is always the answer, the best choice, and His blessings are more than you could ever expect or imagine! You'll still face oppression, persecution, people will disappoint you; and trouble will always try to find you. God will give you all the weapons and tools you need to survive. He makes a way, where there is no way!
God will fight your battles, and slay your giants for you! You won't face trouble alone. You will become courageous when evil shows-up! You'll never lose hope! Faith is a tool for survival! God supplies and strengthens it! Everything God promises in the Bible, He keeps! He's not a genie in a bottle, He's not a sorcerer, He's not Santa Claus; and you don't tell Him what to do. He is always working-out things for your good; even when it seems He's silent or not there. He's always there...He's God! He's everywhere at the same time! His power and wisdom is infinite! Unbelievers find that all mythical and foolish! They don't know what they're missing, or what awaits those who don't believe there's a God. They can't prove He doesn't exist; but He proves His existence to me every second I breathe!
I will pray that you will find love, God's grace, and true-friendships. Jesus is a great friend, a good husband, a Savior, healer, a protector; and He leads you to everything you'll ever need. God never lets you down; even when you're going through trials and troubles. He's protecting and watching over you. His grace is a gift we don't deserve, or have to earn. He is merciful, and will forget everything you ever did wrong, if you ask Him to. He just wants us to confess what we do wrong, show we're remorseful and sorry; and don't want to continue to do wrong. He knows we will continue to do wrong and make mistakes; the difference is, He places His Spirit within us to teach us right from wrong at all levels; and to convict us to be hesitant to hurt ourselves or others. He gives us a conscience and compassion. Divine peace and access to His power.
If you don't believe in such things, and think it's all nonsense; you can ignore my advice. Otherwise, I've done my job as a Christian. Not to force anyone to believe what I believe. That isn't Christian, that's self-righteousness. God bless you, and guide you.
This post doesn't reflect the thoughts or beliefs of Dear Cupid. They are all my own, and under my freedom to express them. You have every right to totally ignore every word of it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2021): I doubt if you're rough around the edges.
Regardless of income all people are human.
I know exactly what you mean about it being difficult to make friends.
I've noticed that friendships go in phases.
Sometimes the whole world will want to know you and at other times there will be no one at all!
I think the levels and depths of friendship change over time.
It's probably best to consider yourself an independent person who is capable of functioning alone.
Because without knowing it you will also be subconsciously rejecting friendships.
Some people see others as 'wanting to take over their lives ' when the other person is looking for common ground to establish friendship.
Then again many others are far too busy with their own lives and routines to allow for even the friendliest disruption.
I think this is a universal problem that has gotten much worse since the pandemic.
So don't take the blame or bounce it back to your earliest days because times change and many people are just sticking within a small circle.
I think you can ask your doctor to prescribe you to some social event such as rambling / walking as a way of meeting new people.
It's a good idea to investigate any community options if you have the freedom to do so because you don't want to loose confidence over this.
And remember to ask yourself if you do meet people for full on friendship how would you accommodate them.
To some people it means meeting for coffee in a cafe once a week.
To others it means sending little messages and blessings every day via Whatsapp etc.
And to many others it means spending hours on the phone discussing their current and past life woes.
You will find new friends that suit you but take your time to slowly discover what kind of friendship a person wants and how reliable they are.
I've heard of people ringing the doorbell at midnight for a coffee and chat and clearly that would not suit most people, especially those with family or any other kind of boundaries.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2021): Hi,
You sound like you have a huge character building life experience behind you. You don't need to fit in with anyone or anything, you are unique and special and try and remember we really belong to no class, only the worlds types of class and what we also BELIEVE. Believe quite rightly that you don't fit in, that's a good thing, of course you don't. You have loud friends so what you see is what you get, shout from the roof tops and have no shame about your upbringing.
You live in an affluent area, enjoy it and remember you may actually be the one who is putting yourself down, by your own belief system. You and all the world came with nothing and will leave with nothing, but life experiences, some will be rich and some poor but understand this...affluence and wealth come way below the richness of your spirit.
Stand tall and be loud and invite your friends and affluent friends together, give them no money and tell them to make their own money by hard work or beat it. Have no shame and know the difference between truth and fake on both sides of the coin.
The more you are shunned by your community the more you have to teach the affluent morons.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2021): It doesn't sound like you are the issue, but your upbringing and history is leading you to THINK you are, and makes you rework everything to believe you are to blame.
Sounds like you're actually pretty strong.
I suggest you remember that, find that inner strength again, and do things for you (and if friends come along as part of that, so be it, but don't make that the goal).
Take up that thing you always wanted to do as a kid (for you, not what your family wanted to do), go on that trip, write that book, etc etc...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2021): Your description of your life is very similar- actually almost identical - to mine, except I am older, more qualified and have several properties now. For most of my life I felt exactly as you feel, except I am not a woman of colour - but I am disabled and I am originally working class.
I do now have a few good friends and I am much more confident with people, but I've never had an amazing social life and I wish I'd gone about things differently. I only prioritised my child and went without so much. I also had quite extreme social anxiety and made lots of mistakes.
My advice would be to join groups where there are group activities that involve team work to a greater or lesser extent; walking groups, any sports groups eg. netball, hockey etc., volunteer community gardening, dance classes eg. salsa. Watch how other people behave and aim only to blend in by emulating what they do. Take it easy, focus on the activity and just make light, friendly chat when you need to during breaks or so on. The superficial relationships could turn deeper, but this usually comes through a more complex task carried out together.
Another thing you could try, as you are still young, is doing a higher level qualification at college, or learning a new language in evening class; you went to college first time around to get qualifications to help you get a job. This time you could go with the aim of making some new friends. Choose a subject where people are likely to be slightly older and more discussion is involved eg. Modern literature or the arts. Colleges are far and away the easiest and best places to meet people and usually have loads and loads of clubs and groups attached. The price you'd pay for a part-time masters degree, for example, is what many people would pay for a price of shoes, or a holiday. I wish I'd been much more aware of this when I was at college - ie. realised this was where I could make friends for life. Also, colleges these days are becoming much more diverse and encouraging in terms of including people of colour, so if you do feel you are being discriminated against in other places, choose the right college where you will be welcomed and valued.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 August 2021):
 It's not all on you, OP
I would stay away from your childhood friends. They aren't friends.
Volunteering is a good way to meet new people but you also need to work on your social skills. My guess is the "rough" around the edges can be "sanded" down a bit by watching and observing others and how they "behave".
Your son is in school so perhaps also volunteer there? With sports or whatever activity he is in?
And then there are hobbies. If you have any - see if you can find a local group to join.
I have joined a local bike group over the summer with my youngest - not only have we met a bunch of people living in our neighborhood but we have seen a lot more of the area (normally when you drive around in a car you don't see as much and you only really get familiar with roads you use). It's been fun.
Friendships take time to develop so be mindful of that. For adults "instant" friendship is rarely ever happening. It takes time and effort.
As someone who is a foreigner AND somewhat socially awkward, I have found that observing people has helped a lot in building my own social skills.
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