A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in a long distance relationship for two years with a man I met online. We were extremely close, and planned on getting married. It was the first time I ever felt so strongly about anyone. Unfortunately, the long distance got to be too much, and I was really lonely and missing him all the time, and I developed a crush on a friend who lived in the same town as me, just because it was nice to be near someone. Long story short, my boyfriend and I ended up breaking up, on terrible terms, due to my emotional cheating. It was the hardest break up I've ever had. I kept calling and begging for him back, and he would call me names and rub it in my face that he was seeing other girls, etc. Meanwhile, I tried dating my crush, just because I was still so lonely, even though I didn't have the intensity of feelings for him. Eventually I came to realize that my feelings for my crush only happened because the person I really wanted to be with was so far away. My crush and I broke up, then dated off and on, and then stopped dating or talking for a number of months. During this time my long distance ex and I never spoke. Every now and then I would initiate contact, or he would send me a one or two line email, but that was it. I still had feelings for him, and missed him intensely, but he had made it clear that he had moved on. He said he didn't love me anymore and that I should find someone new.Meanwhile, I was still getting over him. We broke up in December, and from then until July, I worked at it. I cried a lot, and talked about him and our situation to anyone who would listen. I made some good girl friends. I made art and wrote stories about my feelings. I watched a ton of movies about relationships-- Forgetting Sarah Marshal, High Fidelity, Chasing Amy, Swingers, etc. Listened to sappy music. Started buying pretty things for myself, and caring more about my appearance. Forcing myself to go out. I did all the work that you're supposed to do when you're getting over a break up. It took almost nine months, but I did it. And finally, when I felt like I was ready, I started dating again. Early in the summer, I resumed contact with my old crush, and near the end of July, we started seeing each other. We talked, and decided that things between us weren't serious, so we agreed we could see other people while seeing each other, so I signed up for a dating website. It was the same website I had met my ex on, but after we met, we had both deleted our accounts. I met a few interesting people on there, no one to get excited about, but I started making new friends. Then one day, after I'd been on for less than two weeks, my ex contacted me. He was back on the site with a different account. He had been writing to someone else, when my picture showed up under the site's suggestions for people who were similar to the person he was writing to. He said he missed me and wanted to be with me, and would want to try if we weren't so far apart. We talked on the phone a few times. At first I jumped at the idea of being with him again, until I realized that I don't feel the same way when he says he loves me. I remember the way I used to feel, but it's not the same anymore. He is what I wanted for so long, but now, I don't know. We've talked over everything, and forgiven each other, and he said we should take a week to decide what we want to do.I don't know. I loved him more than I ever loved anyone. We had such an intense, close relationship. I'm not in a place now where I want a relationship with anyone, yet I don't want to let him get away again, because we seemed to be so perfect together. Also, I had just reached a point where I was comfortable and happy with my life. His timing is utterly terrible-- just a few weeks after I realized I was over him enough to start dating other people, he shows up again. So should we try it again? Or should I suggest we give it more time? Or would the best thing be to just tell him no?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008): Hi sorry for late reply, been busy with work this past few days, i tried to focus my self to work just to forget him (my ex) im still having trouble with my new boyfriend i love him but yeah you are right you can't love different person with the same intensity, would say i love my ex more then with my new boyfriend right now,(confusing yes you are right again huh!) he's love is very much different from my ex, my ex is so caring which i dont see on my boyfriend right now, i get tired of always calling him and i dont understand why he can't do the same thing, he's really different from my ex but i also love him and i dont want to hurt another people again, (Comparing people is not good either, maybe i should learn how to be contented on what i have) :( plus i know my ex dont want me anymore i can tell cause i still dont get any replies from him, i phoned him last week but i reached voicemail again i dont think he want me back.Yeah me and my boyfriend now is planning to get married as soon as i get there (US) but yeah i still want to see my ex and see how he doing, he's really good guy and has a good family background, my mom likes him too and he's more matured than my new boyfriend right now. sigh........ i already met my betterhalf (ex)but i let him go... i know my fault and will regret it for the rest of my life. He really helped me a lot when i was with him, loosing him is really hard. No days passed by without thinking of him =(I am just so happy for both of you, just do your best and be honest with each other. Thank you for your advice, i really appreciate it. I hope to hear from you soon.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, sorry it has taken so long to update. It's been a very sensitive few weeks. I took what you said here to heart, and really appreciate your response. I realized you were right, it was my fault he said those things, and he is truly sorry. He and I have talked quite a bit, and have decided to try being friends again first, and then to see each other in person when we're ready. We still both have strong feelings for each other, but it's going to take some work to rebuild trust. I don't think I'll be seeing the other guy anymore, because that's more of a friend with benefits situation that was becoming hard to deal with before my ex even showed up. But yes, my ex and I both realize that what we had was "the real thing," unlike anything either of us have had before, and we've both been depressed since we've broken up. I'm looking at transferring schools to be closer to him, and do hope that we can still make this work.I know what you mean about wishing you could turn back time. With what you and I know now, I know neither of us would cheat again. But it is possible that he will not only forgive you, but that he will realize how much he misses you too. Long distance relationships are so hard, especially when you are so much in love with the person.And I think it's definitely possible to love two people at once, but I don't know if it's possible to love both with the same intensity. If you truly love your new boyfriend, then all the best to you. It's understandable that you will still love your ex for a time. But if you think you might love your ex more, then please, please, wait to marry your current boyfriend. It sounds like you're still hurting, and maybe it's just from guilt and maybe it's because of love, but it could take time before you know for sure.I feel kind of strange offering advice, since I was the one asking, but your response touched me, and I sincerely hope that things work out for you, no matter what. I'm unsure what the future will bring for my ex and me, but I'm going to give it a chance, and be grateful that he has given me this chance, too. Thank you so much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2008): I hear you, i am on the same situation, and i am still in pain and hurt right now, reading your letter really makes me cry. I met my ex online on a dating website been together for 2 years we both decided to get married and having a place of our own, he supposed to meet me this coming December this year but he caught me cheating this month of May, he saw my account, myspace account w/ the other guy who is also from US i know it hurt him a lot but i love him, i really love my ex and its really hard , i am calling his phone but i always got voicemail and dont talk to me, i keep on sending him e-mails but i dont get any reply from him, i missed him so bad and i really want to be with him he dont deserve someone like me, but i really want him back but the problem is me and my current Boyfriend right now already applied a visa for me to go at his county and meet his family and get marry there, i still love my ex and how i wish things would of happened so differently, if i were you give him a chance if you still love him give him achance, besides it was your fault why he did those things to you, forget the past and see if things will work out for you and for him, dont let love pass by.
If i only have a chance to turn back the time i would never cheat on my ex, he's a good guy and every woman dying for to have him, he suh a very good guy and he dont deserve to be hurt, but i love him and i still want to see him someday.
So give ur ex a chance.. let me know how things go. i'll wait for your reply here, wish u all the best.
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