A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I hate the fact that my husband has to work closely with a very good looking, actually hot looking girl. I'm very possessive and jealous type. I ask too many qs to my husband. I'm constantly suspicious. I also have self esteem issue, weight problems. I'm a stay at home mom with 5 yr old and 6 mo old. I'm just going crazy thinking abt my husband going diff places with his coworker for lunch dinner meetings. He says family comes 1st for him and he won't do anything stupid to ruin what we have. But I don't feel the love anymore. He is always with his phone everywhere and he has started to look after his looks clothes more. What should I do?
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co-worker, jealous, self esteem Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Fake it 'til you make it...Like the others here have said, stress less and treat him better. Even if you don't feel like it because you're tired and have been obsessing about his co-worker all day. Even if the weight is hard to lose, some new clothes, hairdo and makeup can do wonders. Confidence!Share with him the cute things that your kids did during the day. (Try not to focus on all the ways they stressed you out during the day!...)Believe him when he says family comes 1st for him. He probably also wants to feel that he comes 1st for his family. Especially you. The co-worker may be hot but she can't give him the love and deep appreciation that you can.Ease off on the q's... it's hard, I know... but the suffocation really backfires. If he doesn't feel trusted, he'll start feeling resentful and withdraw. Make him feel trusted and appreciated, pay attention to his feelings, and you'll be the one he looks forward to seeing every day.
A
female
reader, Jmec  +, writes (28 April 2011):
That's an uncomfortable situation and it would bother me too. Try talking to him and telling him how you feelHow is he with you otherwise? Is he distant and self absorbed? Or supportive and reassuring? Do you trust him? Has he ever done anything for you to lose trust? You will drive yourself crazy thinking about what he could be up to, after work hours. You have to trust him. Start taking pride in your appearance so you can start feeling better about yourself, it will boost your confidence and your attitude will change too. Don't let yourself fall apart. And there are hot girls everywhere, you can't let that drive you crazy. He married you and has two beautiful babies with you. He loves you. Trust him until he proves you wrong.
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A
female
reader, themagentskie +, writes (28 April 2011):
 You need to dedicate time to yourself. Your self esteem could hurt your marriage as its doing now. Start hitting the gym, or start doing activities that make you happy.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (28 April 2011):
 I think you're inventing problems where there aren't any. It probably has something to do with the stress of a 6-month-old baby. That can mess with your perception - where previously you'd see him on his phone and know he's working hard to provide, now that you're harried with a newborn your focus is on the immediate task of child-rearing rather than on providing, so you'd feel less happy with it.The questioning and jealousy can't be helping much though. The weight problems can always be fixed, but the girls at his office aren't hounding him with questions about you. Certainly, try to maintain your looks and work on your weight (baby comes first, but you can sneak in five minutes with a jump rope here and there until the child's old enough for you to take fitness more seriously), but the real source of his loyalty is going to be in how much your husband just likes being around you.Make the effort to be pleasant and happy when he first gets home. Hold your complaints and concerns in for at least fifteen minutes. When he shows up, hug him and kiss him for at least five or ten seconds, tell him you're glad to see him, then let him relax for a moment. This is the "down payment" you make to get him feeling welcome in his home, and eager to be part of it. Once he's settled in and happy, you can start (sweetly) asking him to help with specific tasks. This is where the effort from waiting pays off - he'll be much more likely to have the energy and motivation to take the kids off your hands for a bit, or to get dinner started.The payoff of this is (1) you'll get in the habit of relating to your husband in a positive way, and (2) you'll relieve some of your own workload without making him feel like he's increased his. Both of these should help you start relating better as a team, and should help reestablish the comraderie and love you need.It's not limited to when he gets home, either. Try to apply the same principle in any of your interactions - make it pleasant for him, make him feel wanted and needed, show your appreciation for him, and he should respond by making you feel the same way.
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