A
female
age
36-40,
*aeger12
writes:I dont feel lovable. I dont know how to resolve this feeling? I had a very rock relationship with my mother who never shown any love to me. (though I was very much a daddy's girl this really affected me.)I was happily in a relationship up until two weeks ago when my bf dropped the bombshell that it was over because he didn't love me. He said "I have tried to love you but I just don't. I want to want you but I don't"I can not put into words how hurt I am. He done all this over the phone and I have not heard a word from him since. I've been blocked on all social media. He has literally just completely cut me out of his life. I don't know how to start feeling better ? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2015): you are perfectly lovable but this guy is not the correct man for you and at least has the grace to let you move on.Be glad that he has because better will come your way and he has done you a favour by ending it definately but dont beat yourself up over his words..they just mean that he has other irons in the fire.You can pick and choose how you want to progress from there..just try not to pick anyone with qualities like your mums and look for someone with qu as lities more akin to your dads.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2015): Everyone who is, or has been, in a relationship; will experience a breakup, or loss of a loved-one sooner or later.
People may love each other very deeply; but there is no guarantee what time, life changes, and unforeseen developments might do that could affect their feelings for each other.
You're feeling grief and loss at this point, and it's natural to feel unlovable. You're an adult, and you know better than that. One person breaking up with you doesn't turn-off the rest of the world towards you. He's only one guy.
Your disconnection with your mother, is your relationship strictly between her and you. That has no bearing on how other people perceive you as a lovable person. Your mother had a problem, and it was not your fault. No matter how anyone else feels about you, you have to like yourself first. In spite of you mother, you were still daddy's little girl. Perhaps that is what brought on your mother's resentment toward you, she may not have gotten as much love from him. Stuff happens.
To be and stay lovable, everyone has to do self-improvement. It may entail getting a higher education, learning how to socialize in spite of profound shyness, overcome a disability, getting more adept at interacting with people; or just accepting who the hell you are. These are the things we do to rebuild our confidence and self-esteem. Your happiness is not placed in the hands of others. It is your own job to seek it, build it up, and share it. People can make you unhappy; so you remove them or get-over them. You have a choice. They can only takeaway what you surrender to them.
All you think he took from you; really comes from within. No one can really take it from you. You have a regenerative supply, that keeps coming back. You never run out of it.
You may foolishly handover everything you feel you're worth
to someone you think you love; but that is only a false-perception in your mind. That's too much responsibility to entrust to someone else. It's up to you to create your self-worth, and develop your value as a person. Then choose your mates accordingly. If it sticks, it's a match; if it doesn't, it wasn't!
Some know from the very start who they are, and who's in charge of who they are. Others let other people toss their feelings about, and depend on the acceptance and validation of others to feel worth anything. We all learn eventually, life throws you curves to challenge and improve you. Your survival depends on how you recover, and how unwilling you are to just lay down and accept defeat. It gets hard. Sometimes recovery takes a long time. Determination and perseverance shortens that healing-time.
By the pain you feel now, you gain skills to survive. You develop the strength to bounce back when you've hit rock-bottom. Loving yourself makes you resilient to rejection, immune to insults, and the in-sensitivities that all humans can be guilty of. Including you and me. Nobody's perfect. Sometimes we make ourselves less lovable by our own bad behavior. We get what we deserve for it, but we can also redeem ourselves.
When you've been dealt a hard blow, and you feel down for the count, how do you recover from it?
You rebuild and recreate yourself. You tap into your spiritual side, you explore your potential, you step outside of your comfort-zone. You accept your freedom and independence willingly, and you live hopeful and grateful. When love comes your way again; you can share your new and improved self with someone to match it.
You use this downtime to read and educate yourself on what goes on in the world; teach yourself to have fun on your own, and you try to be creative. Be your own friend. You seek enlightenment, and challenge yourself in different ways. You appreciate having life. People who spend most of their lives complaining, never appreciate anything. So all they see is the bad in everything. That's because they choose to, not because it really is as bad as they claim. Even children living in war-zones play. Because they haven't learned to hate life, like dreary gloomy adults. Some don't have it as bad as they have convinced themselves they do. Let them spend six months blind, deaf, with cancer, hungry, or homeless. I've known people who are, and they don't complain as much as people in better shape.
You've got "break-up despair." It's part of a phase you go through when you've been dumped. He doesn't love you, that doesn't mean no one else ever will. Be realistic. Unless you're a hardened criminal or dastardly villain, there is no reason you're unlovable. Okay, you're entitled to a pity party after a breakup. Only problem is, you'll get tired of yourself. So will your friends. The whining and bathing in your own tears gets old. Try to avoid being a drama-queen.
Forearm to your forehead, and falling dramatically to the bed in theatrical fashion. Be Wonder Woman. Show some muscle. Cry only after dark. You're entitled to. It puts you to sleep.
If you do everything you can to be good to yourself, you are making an effort to be lovable. If you reach out to others and offer them a smile; and show your warmth as a person, you attract what you need from people. If you close down, shut people out, and place your self-worth in the hands of a single person. You give them the power to make you feel just as you feel right now. The truth is, they only have as much power as you give them.
It's all in your mind that he has power over you at all; unless he physically restrains you. Only you have the power to make yourself unlovable. That's based on how you treat others, and reciprocate the love you're given.
You start your healing by feeding on the love you do have. You go for the sure thing. Your daddy loves you! Volunteer for a charity, and feel good by helping people who really do have it bad. Not just spending all your time feeling sorry for yourself. One guy cannot determine the rest of your life, or how others will treat you. All that is up to you.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (2 August 2015):
Well life goes on, it did not start with a relationship and you can survive for the loneliness to come. I do not think blaming your parents is needed on your part now. You are an adult and you can more than change your own behavior if you want.
He said he didn't love you, it sucks but at least you both tried and it just didn't work out. Better to end things now than continue leading you on. My point is that it is better to just accept that it is over now. Whatever happens now isn't as important as accepting.
Now it is time to find love in yourself again. Perhaps keep your time occupied with friends and family and catch up on some long overdue goals you've set aside. If you have someone you trust, maybe talking about some things about the relationship can help the hurt as well. Just keep your dignity so keep away from bashing the ex needlessly.
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