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writes: I have been going out with my boyfriend for 1 ½ years. I’m 23 and he is 27. Recently my boyfriend is starting to talk more and more about his ex girlfriend whom he had been going out with for 5 years on and off until she got pregnant by him and had an abortion without him knowing. They were each others' first love and he nearly killed himself over her because she had an abortion. But during the time they were going out he had cheated on her with his first girlfriend. His first girlfriend has his daughter now 9 years old and he hardly talks about her as much as he talks about his fist love. His first love and him were very young when they lost their virginity to each other and fell in love. She was 13 and he was 15. It was my fault to keep asking questions about his past but I just wanted to see what he’s learnt. I asked him if he still has feelings for his first love and he told me no, that she had slept with his cousin and some of his friends and that he talks about her because she was his first love. I don't know for sure if this is the truth.He makes me feel very ugly compared to his first love. I wouldn’t say I'm very pretty but I am attractive I have been asked on a lot of dates. When I tell him about guys asking me out he told me they only wanted to go out with me because of my body.He has told me that he is afraid of commitment and has not yet said he loves me during our 1 1/2 years together.Please help I want him to stop comparing me to he ex girlfriend and if he truly does love me for me.Goodenough?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2005): Your bf is a very emotionally wounded individual, deep inside and he has to "let the emotional baggage go". Like Rebecca said in her her posting, he compares you to his ex as a result of his own deep-seated insecurities and he does have a hard time, trusting. He has to do some work on himself.
You both need to sit down together as a couple and discuss this principle of your stored up emotional tension as a result of his comparisons. This is not healthy for him to do this to you. Hopefully, you will both commit to doing some intensive work on your relationship by first, becoming familiar with the emotional baggage he's carried into your relationship, and secondly, communicating about and healing his old unresolved emotions from the past so they don’t keep spilling over into the present and sabotaging your relationship with him. Next, you need to do some emotional housecleaning on your relationship. Take an honest look at the needs that aren’t being fulfilled by your bf; ask yourself if you’re feeling loved and appreciated enough; uncover any hidden resentments that have been lurking beneath the surface. When you and your bf work together in this way as a team, you’ll find yourself happier, and hopefully respecting and loving each other a lot more!
If that doesn't work, then you may have to get strong and harshly blunt. No man should ever make you feel ugly, dear. That is plain wrong. Next time he compares you to his ex-gf, a good thing to say is "You refer to this woman as your 'ex' for a very good reason, dear. So don't put me in the same category because you and I both know, I'm worth way more than that." Get tough and tell him that he's well on his way to getting another ex under her belt, if he doesn't stop. That should knock some sense into him. Start making your boundries clear in this relationship and tell him, you will not tolerate being compared to his ex anymore. If he doesn't want to change,
then end this relationship now, especially if you don’t want to lose all of your self-esteem and feel like an emotional beggar. Then, ask yourself why you were attracted to someone who made you feel your needs aren’t okay. I wish you well dear and remember, you deserve to be loved, cherished and respected by any man in your life. Accept nothing less.
Hugs,
Irish
A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (29 September 2005):
 The main difficulty here is your boyfriend's insecurity because of what happened to him before with his ex. It obviously had a huge impact on him and as a result, he is having difficulty trusting.
However, there is no excuse for him making you feel less attractive to his ex and not giving you reassurances as to his feelings for you.
Self-esteem comes from within and it is very hard to rely on someone else to boost it for you unless they are completely reliable to do so and think only of you, free of any problems of their own. This is why your confidence is at a low ebb. Your partner is not making you feel particularly good about yourself or even wanted and desired.
Talking to him would be the first step and making him aware of how you feel. Telling you that guys only want to go out with you because of your body is demeaning in that it conveys you as not having an attractive personality with lots to offer (although it does also show he must realise you have a lovely body which is complimentary if taken on its own).
Let him know how you feel. Tell him your concerns of his lack of reassurances and that you don't really know how he feels for you. Ask him to be as forthcoming about his emotions concerning you as he is about his feelings regarding his ex.
It is good that he is able to open up to you but unfortunately what he says will make you feel insecure if he isn't providing you with the love you do deserve.
Recognise also that his ex was unfaithful to him and did things that he found hard to forgive. He is still trying to come to terms with this. Let him know how trustworthy you are, that you have already shown this and that he has a future with you if he is prepared to put the effort in now.
He is afraid of committment and it is understandable but allow him the knowledge that you need something good from this relationship too.
I hope this helps.
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