A
female
age
30-35,
*oved woman
writes:I have been dating this great guy for about 7 months now. He is really really sweet and gentle and mature. Before we started to date, we had discussed our pasts.He said his ex looked bad and was really just a cry-baby and would keep fighting with him and lying to him. lying on a large scale. !! After a month or two of happy-dating I happened to look her up on facebook. He also had some pics with her tagged in his albums. I saw her and she seemed 'okayish' to me. Sometime after that I got too curious and started to check her profile and photos regularly. I just could not stop myself. He is otherwise a very sensitive guy so I could not stand when I had to go up to him and ask him to delete all her pics from his profile; which of course he v.sweetly complied with and also apologized. A month or two later I felt insecure and short-handed in bed. I knew I am like a tigress in bed and all - just that I could not do it on top of him coz of my little extra weight and lack of confidence. Besides he just would not compliment anything in bed. Though he would time and again say meaningful and lovey-dovey sentences. reall sweet. but not that crazy, sexy, lusty things that a gal needs to hear!! I got a lot of them from my ex's!!! Didnt know what was going wrong here!! All this while I was still checking her profile, seeing how she was one big time party-goer and clubbing-addict... all of which i am not allowed to do because of my curfew time with my family. Anyways eventually all this added up to storms of thought bursting into a volcano !! I asked him if he missed any fun that he had with her, if he missed goin clubbin, if i wasnt as good as her in bed, if he wished things were different, and as to why had he lied to me about her lookin good by sayin ' she was damn ugly and dark' .....cause in her pics she seemed like a sultry sexy diva chic. not attractive but would give confident come-hither looks.!! whereas we conviniently only went to coffeeshops and brunches and the beach and dinners where i could not dress as sexily. he explained every tiny detail to me sayin that she sucked in bed......meaning she was dead in bed. would not go down on him..would just lay there waiting for him to do things..he also said she smelled very bad down there..and that he only started to date her for ''i found her hot...really...hot.....you know just hot...she really knew how to talk...had biiiig boobs (true!!...i am a modest 34C...and he has a lil boob-fixation)....was very stylish.....and had easily cut through my group (which i had not!!)...she was very classy and sexy(he had more than once told me that my dressin sense is v.casual and trendy but not 'classy' u know.....though i know i have a very very desirable dressing sense and I am very indivualistic and tren-setting....i believe he being a guy cant understand fashion and vogue)..thats it.....besides you know tha we werent compatible...my mom hated her....she would always only fight and wait for me to apologize and would lie every second sentence..but honey you are beautiful.......in and out....you love me...you look pretty and have a fair clear skin and so cute and damn strikingly beautiful!! (all this i knew he was not lying about)''Things are better now but I still dont feel as desired and lusted after as her!!! i know i am loved but I miss the craze my exs had about me.....the way they would approve me of everything i did and how great i looked...i love this guy more than life and i know he loves me back only more......but i really neeeeeeeeeeeed the damn crazy kiss-u-on-the-street-lust please help me....!!!!!
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boobs, clubbing, confidence, facebook, his ex, insecure, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, loved woman +, writes (24 February 2011):
loved woman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat was a pretty helpful exchange....thanks a ton guys..Gabrielle, you are right. it is a self-made hell but I am surely gonna try whta the other guy had to say...thanks again!!
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 I'm not sure it's about you feeling desired as it is about you wanting to pretty much erase the existence of this ex from his life. It doesn't work that way. She WAS a part of his life. Under emotional co-ercion, you appear to have made him say uncomplimentary things about her which he may or may not be sincere about. Either you have to let go of this paranoia and realize that he does, for better or worse, love you OR you can continue to fester in your self-made hell.
Ex's, past relationships, past loves - these are a part of what make the man who he is today. Accept it or move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): The most mature and respectful way forward would be to simply talk to him about what you are feeling. However, having said that, sometimes actions speak louder than words and sometimes talking about something can only ever put pressure on an issue, having the reverse effect to the one that you want. I'm not saying play games with this man, because it sounds as though he really does love and respect you in a way that is a "long term" and "for keeps" mindset - BUT - you might consider, for example, dressing up now and again, slightly beyond your 'comfort zone' and drawing a little bit of 'lustful' attention to yourself from other men, in his presence. It doesn't have to be anything major at first - you could just wear a much lower cut T-Shirt along with your casual wear or simply go without a bra for a day whilst you are out. If he mentions it, just deny any comprehension of a "problem" either with what you are wearing or in the relationship. Don't at any time tell him of what you are doing, just pay respect to your own needs to be desired in a lustful way. This is a totally acceptable need for a woman to have. If this is done in the context of a truly loving relationship it could incite just enough "jealousy" and "hands off, she's mine" feelings, for him to start seeing you in a slightly different light that could transfer back to the bedroom. Do not act slutty and do not go overboard in flirting with other guys - be subtle. The message here at first is "I am a catch and you are damned lucky to have me when other men want me". As things progress, you can send out a message of "I sometimes want you to think of me in a really dirty way". You may have to lead the way with confidence and with actions rather than any "heavy" talk or any display of anxiety. You could also start to very subtly introduce "role play" into the bedroom, making it very lighthearted at first...good luck!
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