A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've read a lot of information on porn use following some tension between my husband and I over his use of it . When we first married I did tell him that I was not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who used porn and he assured me he didn't . I knew this was something that never sat comfortably with me and I felt that the most respectful thing to do was make my feelings clear from the start . I expected any man I met to do the same and if he was a porn user we would simply accept we were not compatible Over the years I found porn on several occasions and my husbands answer to this is that it is only fantasy .I hear this argument over and over again and the issue I have is that it doesn't change how I feel about it at all. When he says 'porn is fantasy and you are reality ' I hear ' porn is what I would have if I could get it and you are what I'm stuck with because these women are rare and not available to me ' Realistically , women who look like the ones he looks at are very rare and it's unlikely he would ever get one . I always knew that a partner looking at porn would leave me feeling like left overs and that's precisely why I made my feelings clear at the beginning . It seems that so often women are expected to compromise and accept men's feelings on porn but men are rarely if ever expected to respect women's even when women explicitly make it clear and give them an out before a deep relationship develops I absolutely have no interest in movie stars , romance novels or chick flicks so I find it very difficult when people offer these comparisons . In fact I find my husband very sexually fulfilling for me and I am not sure if I'm abnormal in that I don't fantasise about other men but rather I fantasise about him and I in various senators How do I come to terms with the fact he simply doesn't feel the same and does anybody else feel the same or do I have some strange thing going on where I'm not fantasising outside of my relationship and therefore having issues understanding my partners need to
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (14 January 2017):
 Ahh. If you talked to him about it during the dating stage, then he is 100% in the wrong. He misrepresented himself to you. You believed that he had no use for porn. That's getting married through fraudulent means.
I know many guys have justified their lie to women about this because they believe that "all men use porn" (untrue, which BrownWolf has so nobly demonstrated!). Not all of them do. They also believe that they're protecting their women from this "dirty" side of himself (again, see the "All men use porn" argument).
There must be a change. The access to internet porn demands that men and women be truthful about it. The use of porn among WOMEN is 1 in 6 who use it at least once per week. It now is the time where the subject must come out of the shadows for men and women to make honest comparisons of their value systems.
As for you and your husband, you have decisions to make. The biggest one being that you leave him because of the fraud he committed in order to get you into his home and bed. Given that he's a habitual porn user, you'd have better luck asking him to cut his own arm off like Saw than stop his porn use.
Trust me on this - if you give him an ultimatum, if you nag him, yell at him, put keyloggers on his computer and/or phone, scream at him, ridicule him, or withhold sex from him, at BEST, you will cause him to become BETTER at hiding it from you. Oh maybe threatening him to leave may cause him to become abstinent from porn for a time because he knows you're surveilling him and he loves you, but when the dust settles down, he'll get that Itch that he'll want to scratch. The urge lies in wait, the lust that got a hold of him most likely around puberty when his buddies showed him something or he did some surfing out of curiosity or he saw his father's collection (or if you're old school 80's person, you watched scrambled porn),
You have every right to be angry. You have every right to feel like you were committed fraud upon. He flat-out lied to you about it before you married. He should have been honest and said "Yes, I do use porn on occasion" and allowed you to make your decision then. But you have a decision now. If you have kids now, you'll have more pros and cons to weigh when making it.
But keep in mind - one light at the end of the tunnel here - if he's expecting you to be understanding of "fantasy", he'd better likewise be understanding of it as well. These things go two ways - would he want a guy giving you a sensual massage leading to a "happy ending" in a salon, or a lapdance from a guy, or other things that stimulate women's sexuality that women could say are "fantasy"? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): You are right, OP.
You were always up front. He, unfortunately, was NOT.
He broke the contract.
Now, you have to decide if it is a deal breaker for your marriage.
It seems to be leaning that way.
Because I can tell you that any man that uses porn will never stop. It is an addiction. And I will bet you he has always used porn but LIED to you from the start.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): OP here . I disagree strongly . This was an agreement BEFORE marriage and he lied about his use of porn . How is a woman telling a man she doesn't want to be with anyone who uses porn so please let her know upfront in ANY way controlling him?
If anything, it is him who manipulated and controlled me but lying saying he had no intention of using it just to trick me into a relationship and marriage and then sneaking around behind my back!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): chigirl is probably the best responder here.Thing is, as chigirl says, it's not right for you to control your husband in this way. But, your husband is doing something that makes you uncomfortable.To expect (and believe) that he never uses porn again is wrong, instead tell him to clear up properly after himself- I mean browsing history! But, you need a reciprocation in the agreement. He needs to understand and sympathise with your feelings. He might use porn less as a result.This is one of those situations where neither of you are right or wrong, but a balance is difficult. What you mustn't do is put restrictions on his use, as that will then turn it into a 'taboo' and could lead to more use.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): I agree with Brown Wolf. My boyfriend and I watch and share porn videos together. We get new ideas that help to enhance our sex life, but it is true that some men become addicted to porn and can't have a healthy relationship with their partners. That doesn't sound like what's happening in your case.You might consider telling him you don't mind him watching porn on occasion, if it's with you. Not all the women on porn sites are perfect. There are all different ages and sizes women and men featured. There are plenty of amateur videos to watch also, couples just like the rest of us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2017): Op again , also Chigirl, I'm not sure if you read my original question but my point was that we DID have a talk about it ! In the very beginning . Several very long talks about my feelings on porn and YES he did have the right to refuse , just as I have the right to refuse to be with someone who uses porn ( or do only men have the right to choose whether porn is part of a relationship ? ) the problem was that I was upfront about my feelings , stating very clearly that I did NOT want to be with a porn user and he lied stating he felt the same and was not a porn user .
I'm not sure if you skipped that paragraph of my question so I wanted to clarify
Thanks
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 January 2017):
 I agree with brownwolf 100%. I've never understood why men would masterbate if they've got a partner, makes no sense to me whatsoever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2017): This is the OP
Thanks everyone , in answer to some questions raised , yes I told him in the dating stage .
Chi girl , I didn't make the title the mods did and as for 'the men ' you refer to ? He mainly watches young lesbians about half my age . Rarely men . When there have been men ? There faces are rarely shown and often they are similar to him overweight and considerably older than the women . actually he told me once its a massive turn off seeing the men
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2017): I love dancing, medicine, antiques ...all sorts of things and am highly intelligent, as is my middle sister, who plays and teaches piano and knows a lot about classical music and is extremely well read. My eldest sister is a scientist and musician also. None of us have interests in romance novels and chick flicks.I'm not saying AT ALL that women who are interested in these things aren't intelligent, I'm just saying please don't speak for ALL women, because we are NOT all the same.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (12 January 2017):
Ask your husband the same question I ask every man who watches porn, and jerk themselves into stupidity...
Tell me which woman's vagina looks like a hand? And if it did, would you really stick your penis in there?
Tell your husband you are going to start sleeping with other men...but not to worry...it's just fantasy.
Tell him you just fantasise about having a man you loves only what you have, and has no need for anything else. Plus...you want a man who is smart enough to know the difference between a hand and a vagina.
Don't get me wrong...Porn can be fun...IF used as a bedroom booster for BOTH of you. But when one person turns it into a personal affair...HELL NO!!!.
Better yet...Tell him to sit in a chair and show you how he masturbates...if he whips it out...take off your underwear, and sit on it, with your back to him...That way, you can watch the porn, while he learns what to do with his penis.
Never get it...Choosing a hand over a real woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2017): It's a question of understanding how men think. Men use porn to help them get the level of sexual fulfilment they need, because men usually require more sex than most women want or are able to give them. Men just have a higher sex drive on the whole. So when they use porn it is just an aid to help them with what they need. They are not fantasising over the particular women, they are using it as an enjoyable and quick way to relieve themselves. It does not reflect on how much he fancies or loves you. When men don't ejaculate enough, they get physically very uncomfortable. They need to 'offload' as it were. I read years ago that if men don't get enough sex they either feel they will be physically ill or mentally ill. I was married at the time and had never heard this before and did not realise how VERY important sex is to a man. So I asked my husband, 'If you felt you weren't going to get enough sex, do you think you would be physically ill or mentally ill?'I thought he would look at me a bit funny and ask what on earth I was talking about. Without missing a beat he said, 'Mentally ill'. Totally seriously. That's when I realised just how important getting sex is to a man, how much more they need it and how differently men and women think and feel.My husband watched porn sometimes when a mate at work had given him a video. I'd leave him to it, because to have me around at the same time, embarrassed him. I could never care less, because I see it for what it is. Just to make a really sexist comparison, porn is to men, what a food mixer is to a woman. Gets the job done quicker. He still loves you and fancies you, but sometimes they need the end result (orgasm and ejaculation) without all the preamble that goes with it when having sex with a partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2017): I don't fantasize about anyone other than my boyfriend. And when he is not around, I climax thinking of HIM and I also create all kinds of scenarios in my head but they are about ME and MY BOYFRIEND. Not me and some guy down the street. Or me and some guy in a magazine or at the gym or on TV. I am not interested. I can tell you that because I am EMOTIONALLY connected to my boyfriend, there is no other man who would or could excite me sexually because my sex drive and passion is driven by EMOTIONS. My emotions for my boyfriend. So, he can always rest assured my undivided attention is on him. I am RARE.But not everybody is the same. Especially NOT MEN. And we women are always going to feel UNEASY around our men because men are programmed differently. In a way which will always make us feel INSECURE and not good enough. They are always looking at other women. Always wondering what other women would be like in bed. Always sizing them up. Does not matter if they love us or not. If they are committed or not. It is just the way males are hard wired. To spread their seed. They will be the first to argue that boys will be boys. While we women rope in the male in order to have his kids and domesticate him. But men cannot be tamed. Maybe for a while. But their instincts to ROAM kick in eventually. The longer they are with us, the more we start to worry. And watching PORN is playing into this instinct to ROAM and explore other options. So what if it is fantasy? It is still exploring other options. And it is incredibly hurtful to us women. And guys don't get that. They are so selfish and self centered and led by their dicks that they only care about their own gratification. And it is a horrible, horrible dilemma for us women. Even if we trust them, we will worry. It has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them! So, we do our best to wow them in bed, do and be everything they want and we will still worry...Men will never learn. They will never change. You made it clear to him you hated porn and any man who watched it. Makes you feel like shit. Make most women feel like shit. You are in the majority. So, now you are well within your rights to tell him it's over. Tell him if he keeps watching it, you are out the door. There is no need for you to suffer and to feel like crap so that he can get his jollies. A man is supposed to cherish his woman. Make her feel safe. Wanted. Appreciated. But so many guys like to keep their eyes on other merchandise. And these fantasies hurt us. They make us feel like less. I don't care if a guy tries to justify it by saying it's harmless. What else is he going to say? It is NOT harmless!Why don't you start watching porn too? Or start having naked men pics lying around? Why don't you give him a taste of his own med? Tell him... hmmmm. maybe there is something to this porn thing afterall? Look at the size of that guy's cock! WOW! I wonder what it would feel like inside me? Maybe I WILL JUST FANTASIZE for awhile, honey. Oh, but you don't mind. He's a fantasy. And you are my reality. Can you imagine what that would do to HIM????It would burn a guy's ass if the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't it?????Some women roll with it and accept that guy's watch it and try not to take offense. Some role play with it and generally program themselves to tolerate it. It's the if you can't beat 'em, join 'em mentality. I wonder what would happen if you both watched porn together? Do you think you could do that with him? See if maybe that adds an element of spice to your relationship? I am not trying to offend because I get your disdain with porn. Just trying to present a different view point. I think reverse psychology might also work to disarm him so to speak. The less you care about his porn use, the less he will watch it. Maybe he does it because he thinks it is taboo? Or if you start watching it with him, you might actually turn him off it! That is possible too.Hope I have provided some food for thought.Hope it works out.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 January 2017):
You might have waited to long in your relationship if you waited until you were "newly married" to state your beliefs regarding porn. The best time to get that out of the way is during the "getting to know you" part of dating.
This is a big issue, because even though he should not have lied to you about his porn use, if you waited until you and he were married before having this conversation, then you both are at fault over this, because on one hand, if you had known the truth about his porn use during the "get to know you" phase, you may never have married him. This goes both ways as well. If you waited until you married him to tell him this, then he could feel just as "bait and switched" that he didn't likewise get the choice to NOT marry you if your feelings about porn didn't match his.
So, the moral of that story is - this is NOT the conversation to have after you marry. He could feel just as upset that you withheld your feelings about his porn use until after he committed to you as you could feel upset that he lied to you when confronted AFTER you married. Just to be clear - "aside" comments during a relationship don't count and are no substitute for a direct, honest, dialogue assessing your honest views about porn.
The ones who talk about porn being a lot like romance novels for a woman only have it partially correct. Porn isn't an emotional swell, nor is it there for a guy to wish or compare to his wife. He isn't comparing what he sees on the screen to what he has. It's definitely not a matter of you not being enough or adequate.
The closest thing I can describe it is - if you've ever seen a billboard, or watched a commercial for a delicious restaurant, they all show a delicious dish. Whether it's lobster with hot butter dripping from the morsel, or a crisp fresh salad with ice-cold water condensing on the perfect lettuce leaves (that one gets me!), or a juicy steak with a piping hot baked potato, or a soft drink in clinky ice and evervescent bubbles, it can illicit a biological response from you. Your taste buds start generating excess saliva, you feel your stomach knot up a little, and you think, "I'm hungry!". Their goal is to get you to eat their food, so those perfect food shots, in the business, are called "food porn".
With porn itself, the idea is visual imagery designed to heighten a sexual response, or, a different kind of hunger. Blood rushes to the penis, flushes the face, the heart beats faster, the fluids move anticipating the release soon to come. The better analogy is when a woman uses a vibrator to experience or intensify an orgasm.
If you use a vibrator, does it ever enter your mind in that moment to have complicated thoughts on whether or not you'd prefer to marry your vibrator, or the deficiencies of his or her lovemaking abilities? Would it surprise you to hear that many guys out there have the same insecure feelings about their partners using a vibrator that women feel knowing their guy uses erotic images? The argument is the same - that she's choosing the toy over the real penis, and they get upset. It all boils down to insecurity.
If you told him about porn BEFORE you married, in the TRUE beginning (I'm taking you at your word, and you said these two things:)
"When we first married I did tell him that I was not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who used porn and he assured me he didn't"
" that's precisely why I made my feelings clear at the beginning ."
"but men are rarely if ever expected to respect women's even when women explicitly make it clear and give them an out before a deep relationship develops"
Marriage is not the beginning. You should already BE in that deep relationship before marrying. If you told him before you married and he lied to you, then he's 100% in the wrong. However if you told him at the beginning of your marriage, then YOU are 100% in the wrong.
What's he supposed to do after getting married with all of the marriage and financial laws in place? What are YOU going to do if he were honest with you and said "Yes, I"m a porn user"? Would it be so easy to divorce, to split resources or if there are children involved, to devastate their stable home?
You do have a choice now. But keep in mind - you can't make him stop through any method you ever put to him. YOU can't change him. You must either accept that he uses porn, or you can leave to find a guy who does NOT use it.
One thing to keep in mind - porn sites receive more internet traffic than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined. Conservative stats put men's monthly porn use at 70% and women's at 30%. I don't mean to bum you out, but this is why the TRUE beginning of a relationship is the time to talk.
You have some decisions to make - whether to accept that he watches porn or to divorce him, or to go to counselling to forge an honest dialogue with him on its place in his sexuality. I know I would never stop using a vibrator, and your sexuality is yours unto yourself as well. What's good for him is also good for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2017): It seem to me from your post that his porn use seems normal and not obsessive. you didnt state how often he watches it or if he is watching porn over having sex with you and Im concluding from you post hes not. porn is men's way of fantasizing but I agree that it doesnt replace you. he stated you are 'real' deal, believe him.On another note, why not watch it with him? explore what porns you like and watch it with him. he might enjoy it so much more if you watch it with you and if you ENJOY it. I have frequently watch porn with past lovers and its extremely fun, sensual, and entertaining. We laugh, make love, and get turn on together and when I am single, I actually miss watching porn with someone else. Again, I am lover of erotica, porn, novellas, etc so quite different from you but why not explore that side of you and see where it goes.Watching porn is not an invite to let others into your life. Make sure you know that porn is just videos, entertainment, acting, etc. REAL men know that the woman beside them is the real deal and sounds like your husband knows that but just enjoy porn --because hes a guy. Many many women enjoy porn as well. And its so fun to watch it with my man and when he sees how turn on I am, he is SOOO much more excited to please me. See this as a opportunity to bond with him more during sex. Good luck =)
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (12 January 2017):
 I have yet to ever read a scenario where the spouse has ever stopped watching porn at the request of the other. What happens is they say whatever is needed to appease them all the while taking it underground. I truly believe the porn struggle can be so great within relationships gets down to giving up and staying or giving up and leaving.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 January 2017):
 Your complete lack of "interest in movie stars , romance novels or chick flicks" is unique. Your feelings about Porn are not. M any women have the same feelings you do. Obsessive use of Pornography is not healthy for any relationship.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 January 2017):
 Let me rephrase your headline question:
I don't do this, so is it wrong to expect that no one else does?
Yes. That is wrong. What you do, and the choices you make, is your privilege. What others do is THEIR privilege. Not yours.
Now, on to your question specifically:
Your husband has said over and over that it is a fantasy. This idea about comparison and him supposedly wanting these women in real life if he could have them, that's all on you. That's not how he feels, thats not what he says, and that's not what I think is the truth either. If he had porn he liked with women who looked like you, I think he'd enjoy it equally as much. I mean, there are men in these porns too, yet you don't seem to worry that he is sexually attracted to these men. Which is odd, because by your logic he should also be lusting and longing for these men.
If you're so deeply disturbed by this that you can't look past him looking at porn, then how about you and him have a long and deep talk about it? Explain you wish there to be no more porn in the relationship. But be aware that he has a right to refuse.
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