A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship of 5 years and I'm in my final year of university so I am away from my girlfriend weeks at a time.Recently we have been arguing more frequently and we both recognise the spark is going out and so are currently trying to ignite it. I have started having feelings for one of my housemates though and I feel horrible about it, we have recently watched sunsets/stargazing together which may be innocent but I'm torn as I feel it could mean more. I know nothing would probably come of it as we live far from each other and I do still love my girlfriend I just don't know what to do with myself I have a knot in my stomach just thinking about her. Should I talk to them about it to clear the air? Should I confess to my girlfriend about my feelings? Can I do something to get these feelings away? Any advice is much appreciated Thanks for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): Thanks anon, I think your option b sounds a better outcome for my relationship I don't want her to tred on eggshells around me. I agree with you on the work side that hasn't been effected, but the culture point you raised is very interesting point I hadn't thought of. She has told me that she often ignores the approaches of most guys (meaning I presume she chooses who to flirt/not with perhaps?) I'm not entirely sure it is no as she is just a friendly and bubbly person. The times we have done stargazing/walks have been alone, no housemates no events as a purpose like shooting stars etc. It has been myself and her initiating it on different occasions all with no event or particular purpose. Thanks for warning on studies though I'll hang in there for now, just felt like I need some opinions on the matter that are unbias.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): Thanks Ruby for your reply, I meant clear the air with woman in question not my girlfriend, so that these thoughts can be rationalised and put to rest. Then return to just being the good friends we already are/were. But yes I like your idea of finding key areas and things to reignite things with my girlfriend, Its just bizarre timing that I feel may be due to a lot of end of uni stress including just future questions that may just be aggravating the situation I guess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): Hi,Op,
I don't know if I can offer you any good advice, but I'll try.
To me it looks like you are trying to "save" that special bond/connection you have with your current gf.
As you should, if you feel that it is special.
The thing is even if you talk to her- she won't be very clear on how much she has got to lose UNTIL you make it "beyond doubt" clear.
I'd either a) tell her about the other girl, but clarify nothing has ever happened. Just make sure she understand YOU feel disturbed by this these feelings and are seeking her help/support. (and you're not a monk, there will be lots of other hot girls you'd feel attracted to throughout your relationship if you are lucky enough for it to last a lifetime)
b) don't (as to not hurt her) BUT make sure you make it CLEAR not how unhappy you are but rather WHAT you're unhappy with.
As in :"I'm unhappy with the relationship that we have. What do you suggest we do to improve it?" Be prepared for it to be a shock for her-she might think everything is NOT perfect,but kinda ok.
My final advice would be: you are in your FINAL year, concentrate on YOUR STUDIES.
It seems like an unnecessary time to create extra Drama for yourself when this room mate will be gone COME MAY (June at the latest?). So you have April, May (maybe June?) and then you're back with the gf.
Surely you can control your sexual urges for 2 months?
As for HER advances-I don't know. I mean I don't know her, nor you, you might be right, then again, this is the UK.it's a melting pot (which I love about it!) people from all cultural background etc,especially at uni.
What is her cultural background? Are you sure this is romantic/flirty?
I'm not saying this to hurt your ego, but more as: I have several close male friends, I've lived with a few of them and we are real, real close (because of living together). I'd never in a million years imagine myself with any of them, however to some people it may seem as we were a couple (when we are not).
Example (different than yours but close in nature,I hope): for me it's normal to rest my head on a man's stomach when lying on the grass if I know him very well,we're talking etc. That's not couple-y stuff to me (I got disbelief when I stated we are not a couple at which point an Italian friend of mine was like "Oh,yeah,we do this all the time too,it means nothing". Can't vouch for Italian culture, but I can guarantee you it means nothing to me (sexually speaking). Furthermore,I have even shared a bed with a male friend-still nothing going on,no touching, no nothing whatsoever.)
What I'm trying to say is (whilst I miss the crucial info about her of course) - she might NOT be sending you signals.
Yes, the stuff you do is romantic, but how many people were there? Just the two of you? Or the whole house (i.e. all room mates stargazing? Were you looking for something specific? I.e. meteor shower?)
More interesting is-who initiated/suggested it?? You OR her?
If her-you might be onto something, but again YOUR studies are far,far more important than this in the grand scheme of things.
So postpone the drama and try and sort it out in your head first and then with the gf.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): Thanks for taking the time to reply peanutbutter you seem to understand that this is more than black and white, I will take your advice.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (27 March 2015):
 Instead of talking to your gf about this girl you like, you should talk to her about the relationship in general. dont mae it worse for her with the other girl, but see if your relationship has anwhere else to go. It seems you are ready to move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): Also I did say "going out" it's not out completely we just are in difficulty mainly due to petty arguments lack of communication and distance, when we are together, by in large it's a very good relationship. Don't know if this changes any points if your answer but just thought I'd clarify that too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): Thank you both for your answers, I feel like I need to clarify some stuff, I don't know for sure these events are meant with any romantic connotations I feel like maybe I feel this way because of the lack of emotional connection in my relationship at the minute. Also I was referring to the girl when I said I know nothing would probably come of it, meaning I may risk something really special (in a repaired relationship with my current girlfriend) for something that may have no future at all. I also didn't feel like the physical attraction was worth mentioning but yes I do find her attractive, but surely you can find someone attractive without "cheating emotionally?"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): Your relationship with your girlfriend has run its course; and you've already found her replacement.
How would telling your girlfriend you have feelings for someone else help your relationship?
Your growing interest in your housemate, conveniently coincides with the difficulty you're having with your girlfriend.
You carefully avoided mentioning any physical-attraction to the housemate. Star-gazing and watching sunsets is romantic in nature. Sharing the same house with her, is quite advantageous for you.
It's not innocent when you have a girlfriend; and you're having feelings for the person with whom you're sharing these romantic experiences. "Feelings" include sexual-attraction.
In all honesty, you don't really want to work things out with your girlfriend. You want a drama-free breakup; so you can pursue the other female. I wager your girlfriend will not give you a free-pass to pursue another young woman, without a very difficult breakup.
Please clarify this statement:
"I know nothing would probably come of it as we live far from each other"
To whom are you referring here? Your girlfriend, or your housemate?
You're already cheating "emotionally." So you may as well end the relationship with your girlfriend; because your feelings are no longer there for her. "The spark has gone out," as you say.
Be honest with her, and yourself. Don't pretend you want to fix things with your girlfriend, if you really want to be with someone else.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (27 March 2015):
I can't really top Honeypie's advice.... I can just reiterate it.Don't tell your girlfriend that you've got feelings for someone else if you want to save your relationship. It will probably ruin it.Identify realistic ways that you CAN reignite your relationship with you girlfiend (and DO them) and then stay as far away from this other woman as possible. No more star-gazing or watching sunsets. (In fact, find somewhere else to live if you decide you're really committed to your girlfriend.)If you can't identify realistic ways to reignite your existing relationship, then maybe it's time to call the relationship quits. Especially if you've already been struggling with the distance thing for some time. (And it sounds like you have). This happens frequently with LDRs in young people.Then it's up to you whether you tell your girlfriend about the other woman or not. (Some girls appreciate this honesty at the end of a relationship and some girls would rather not know.)Why do you think that telling your girlfriend will "clear the air"? Or are you hoping that if you tell your girlfriend she will dump you instead (saving you the bother)? Or hoping that telling her will compel her to put more effort into keeping the relationship alive? (maybe you feel she hasn't been doing her part.)By the way.... you're ALREADY having an emotional affair. I guess you have a lot of soul searching to do.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, ConsultingCam +, writes (27 March 2015):
I don't think you should be discussing it with the girlfriend though might increase tension in relationship but maybe distance alone time with the person until it fades off which it will. (previous experience :P) good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 March 2015):
Instead of talking to your GF about some OTHER woman you are now infatuated WITH, TALK about either ending the current relationship or WHAT you BOTH need to do to make it work.
And then minimize the time you spend with this room-mate.
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