A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have not long met up again with my first love. It was passionate buthe ended up really hurting me. We separated for over 20yrs and I have a grown family. We linked again a few months ago and the chemistry was still there. A few months later became intimate.I don't want to be hurt again and have been messed around a lot. I am currently feeling a little low as my current partner does not communicate, can't see us getting married. Does not celebrate special occasions such as my birthday. I have recently let out my house to move into a small room as he does not maintain us. He is a real turn off.My ex has not met all my children. He met 2 when they were young. He seems hesitant. I don't want to push too much but they are partof me. If he wants me he has to accept the baggage.I tried to hold out the intimacy but it was hard. It felt really different, not like passionate sex. I do not regret he made me feel good about myself but this time a fully committed relationship or just friends without benefits.Any words of wisdom appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2015): Thank you ladies, I realise that it is difficult to get a real jest of another persons life through a few words. I am a grown and intelligent professional woman. I own two homes and my own car. I have two grown up boys who live away and a son at home.My family will always come first in my life as they have always been there for me. I certainly don't see them as baggage although some men might. I am intelligent and busy enough to not be living in a fuzzy dream.I don't feel like I am in an exclusive relationship with anyone so I don't feel like I am cheating. I did feel a little guilt as I have been seeing my youngest child's father for only 16 years and have known him for 30! So I am certainly not addicted to cheating!I am not sure yet if I want to pursue a relationship, I plan to give it more time but refrain from the intimacy as that blurs things. I will let him do the chasing. It had been four months from the initial dinner before he was able to get passionate with me.My older children's father is a good friend but I was not passionately in love with him. My ex wanted children but we had split up and lost touch. When I met with him some years back we spoke again about it but it was not the right time for me and know I feel I am too old (I'm in my 50's now).I class my first love as the man that I truly loved. I wrote reams and reams in diaries about him. He stole my heart and when we met again it fluttered like anything. When we got intimate it was nothing I had experienced before, it was so special and did not feellike lust.My current 'partner' if I can call him that is selfish, does not talk about us, does not treat me like a woman and hardly maintains his child. He has never lived with me and we never talk about the future. Tried to end it but he keeps coming back and confusing me.Yes we need that final talk. My ex and I have very similar backgrounds and experiences, we talk and talk and talk and make each other laugh and have great chemistry.I hope you understand now, I feel history has repeated itself for a reason and this may be may chance at last to be happy in a relationship if I tread carefully.thank you for your time.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (25 October 2015):
 I think that you're really hurting both the current relationship you're in, and more importantly, you're hurting the children you've failed to acknowledge in this dream world you're living in with this "first love".
Putting aside the simple fact that you're cheating on the guy you're with and justifying it by putting the blame on him (your current partner "not communicating" is nothing compared to your "not communicating" the fact that you're cheating on him), the true priority in your life should be your children. For you to call them "baggage" means that you are in an extremely unhealthy situation here.
People in situations like this will make appalling decisions in order to hold onto the dream world. Your children will be shoved to the side in your mind as you do whatever you can to keep this guy in your life. The breakdown is that your ego says that since this guy predates both your kids and the current relationship you're in, that he takes higher priority.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, if this guy really WAS a "first love", then all of your kids would have been his, you wouldn't be cheating on a guy to be fooling around with this guy, and chances are you would be marred to the "first love" guy.
What you have now is sex and nostalgia. There is nothing real about it, and you start the relationship on zero trust, and the most important bond you can have...the REAL BOND with your children, will most certainly be shattered if you keep carrying on like you are. Your kids see everything. They will see the fact that you are cheating on the guy they know with someone they don't. They will see how your life drops out of balance and they will pay the price.
There is a reason why people describe cheating and affairs like an addiction, and that's because it is, complete with the havoc the highs and lows drag on a life, and most importantly, the shrapnel of the people hurt in its wake, including yourself. You have no idea how many times people wish they could take back the decisions that led them to cheat and fall down that spiral, especially when it's so easy to do it the right and noble way, and that's to end the current relationship clean.
Honestly, stop lying to yourself now. IF this guy you are with is truly the noncommunicative guy, why haven't you already ended things with him? If you say it's because you can't afford it, that means that you are using him, his money and his resources. If you say it's because you're hoping he changes, do you honestly think that you alienating your affection will help or hurt? And - if you "don't want to hurt him" by telling him, then when, and I mean WHEN he finds out you're cheating, will it be easier or harder when he catches you versus you break it off clean with him? Your kids will see it all as well, and what do you think their level of respect for you will do once you're caught?
This other guy is not a first love anymore. He's nostalgia, a dream world, a selfish ego boost, and a dodge away from reality. Your baggage is something no man should have to accept, the biggest one being that you start the relationship with trust already destroyed, because he knows that if you can cheat on a committed relationship with him, than what's to stop you from cheating ON him when the butterflies wear off?
Your kids come first. End of story. And - you need to do the right thing and end it with the committed relationship you're in, because you've already destroyed it by being a cheater.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (25 October 2015):
 My advice would be to take care of your current relationship before even considering juggling two. Take this old flame out of the equation for the moment because all that will brings fog thought fantasy which has all the makings of that unwanted heartache you mentioned. Perhaps that is already happening...because if I have understood your post, you are talking months since this old flame has resurrected in your life and you are already wanted a commitment from him and you sound a bit disappointed that the 'passion' you once had is not quite the same as you would have expected. It sound like he is not ready to offer that going by not wanting to meet your children just yet. Regardless, you are cheating on your current partner under the same roof or not which we all know is just not a decent thing to do.
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