A
male
age
51-59,
*rafabel
writes:Hi All,Just want some opinions on an issue!I have been married for 20 years and love my wife very dearly; we have also been enjoying a swinging lifestyle for a couple of years now with no hang-ups.My problem is that my wife now wants us to have an open marriage as she would like to experience sex on a one on one basis with various partners...I am not happy for this to happen as I enjoy 'us' sharing the experience. My wife assures me that it would purely be sex without emotional attachment and that she would be happy for me to do the same which I have no interest in doing.....Please note that my wife does not have anyone lined up for this! We are not the jealous or possessive types as is obvious, but my concerns are that once you play alone you open yourself up to many possible outcomes which could develope emotionally. I have told my wife that I will not prevent her from doing as she desires but have outlined my concerns emotionally and also from a safety aspect and how this may affect our marriage as I do not know if I could deal with this arrangement. Playing as a couple I find very fulfilling and have no hang-ups, so I do not understand as to why she would want to 'go it alone' on the odd occassion even though we have discussed this in depth. I feel that this is an issue for me and have already suggested that maybe if this is what she truly wants then we should look at our marriage and decide what is important for us us a couple and for her and her individual needs.We are at a cross roads in as much that although she is happy for us to continue with the swinging thing as a couple she also wants her own thing.
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male
reader, 1rafabel +, writes (25 March 2013):
1rafabel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all and thanks for your opinions!!OK, this is the current situation....Since leaving my last post my wife has now been communicating for the last few weeks with a man who claims to be in an open relationship and married for 27 years. This guy is also and has been into BDSM for a very long timeand is submissive and my wife is very interested in playing the dominant Mistress with him; My concerns now are that my wife has admitted that all of the concerns I raised here initially are due to the fact that she has been texting to and fro with this guy and has spoken with him aswell. I guesse now there is also the issue of trust as I feel that my wife has not been totally honest. I am an open minded guy who had she told me from day one rather than be secretive about it all, then I would have been less hurt, insecure and confused about the whole thing and would probably have been more understanding about her wants. She assures me that she loves me which I truly beleive, but as she said, if I can't get my head around this then maybe it would be best for us to divorce, something she says she doesn't want; like she said initially, she wants it all!! What really is getting to me is the fact that they are contsantly texting eachother and also speak when I am at work. I feel as though their relationship is developing into something else, something which she denies. I did speak with this guy last week in length and he went on to say that he has no intentions of leaving his wife or his family and that this is just clinical sex and nothing else. Obviously I don't trust anything this guy says as I don't know him but they have arranged to meet this Wednesday in a hotel for the night after a couple of failed attempts for one reason or another. They are both looking for this to be a long term thing with my wife staing that this will probably be once every month, however, their idea of every month would be for the weekend, possibly 2-3 nights, I find this excessive, too much too soon!! I truly understand my wifes want but feel that she expects me to agree to this whether I like it or not. She even mentioned divorce as she 'feels' that if I could't accept things on her terms then it would'nt be fair on 'me'. I am in such a crap place at the moment as there is obviously no room for compromise on her part....she sees things as very black and white at the moment. How far will she take things, i do not know. She tells me that this guys wife has a female lover and that they are about to go away for the first time on vacation for a coiple of weeks. I responded and asked if this is what both she and he expect to do in the foreseeable future?? she responded that that would't happen.....we shall see!! My main objective in all of this is that I try and keep my family together as we have 2 young sons and my life without them would be unbearable, so I currently feel strong enough to see what pans out and how I feel with the whole situation. Wwe will have to wait and see!! On the plus sideof things if you can call it that, this guy lives on the other side of UK, so I know it would not be a weekly arrangement. My wife said that she still wants me very much in her life and that she does not want things to change between 'us', she has even said that I should find someone outside of our marriage to play with but the truth is I have never had any intention of playing alone as it doesn't ineterest me unless we play as a couple. I am so normally very good at thinking things through rationally a nd logically and dishing out advice to other yet ironically I cannot think straight for myeself at the moment!!! My wife did say recently that she has no intention of forming and emotional relationship outside of us, I will need to wait and see what the outcome is as things progress. So for now I will need to 'suck it and see' what happens and how I feel with things in days/weeks to come. Will let you all know soon what I feel and think!
A
male
reader, Kaplan_E  +, writes (24 March 2013):
Hi there.There is a lot serious research done around the issue you are facing. The best starting point, in my humble point of view is the book "Sex at Dawn". Basically it says that women have born with much more sex drive, and as result they get much more pleasure from sex then men do. I believe that reading the book or about this book or similar books (there are more) will give you some consolation as it seems to be the basic nature.I would suggest you get some advice, that seems childish at first, but may work. Get a kind of agreement with her to have the experience she wants but for limited number of times per mount? per year?In this way, she can feel that she do not miss "part of life" and you have some assurance that you marriage will continue to work.You are already behind the point that she had f^^^ by other men. I can imagine you "can live" with another night in a month where she is not at home.I really hope you can keep your marriage on going.It will be real nice if you can throw here a note that you are still together. It will give hope to other couples.Wish you both success with find a compromise on this issue.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 March 2013):
 I just read your update and I get the reason you are in the lifestyle... and that's the best reason.
I understand what she's looking for too... what about compromising and finding a club to attend that you can drive her to and watch while she indulges... she can easily be a switch as needed.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 March 2013):
I briefly skimmed your question.... To be honest my ex husband could have written this letter.
The lifestyle killed my last marriage. In fact, I had lunch with my ex husband yesterday and we both agreed that the lifestyle was what killed our marriage and had we not been in it we would still be married.
What does she think will happen with one on one sex that she's not getting at parties or together?
I'll tell you what I got... while it was fun being the "new girl at the party" that attention was not about my brain.... I met a man who my husband knew... who talked to us both... who was willing to accept my offer of NSA/FWB... we became friends.. I'd go visit him, we'd talk we "dated" in that we went out to movies and dinner... the first few times together we were not even physical.....
my then husband could not cope with this relationship as it was more brain than body.... we broke up... he remarried and they are not in the lifestyle.
I married the FWB... and we too are monogamous....
I think that her saying she wants to have one on one with other men without you and that it would just be about the sex is not enough... I would want to know what she thinks is different from the parties and couples swaps you are doing..... if she can't tell you then I'd say until she knows she shouldn't do it....
And once she can articulate it... you may not be happy and she may realize it's really not just about the sex....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Sex is temporarily an enjoyable thing but at the end it is futile. It keeps the person asking for more and more, searching for the next best thing without end. The BDSM with another person will not bring you closer, since you don't share that level of interest. She just feels accepted for her weird fetishes, that's all. She seems to feel that because she is so liberated and doing non mainstream things, she knows better than other people about what love is, and that everyone should agree on her love views.
You don't know how to handle this, so you can either wait until after that happens and see how you feel, or just say no, use it as a dealbreaker to be safe. She has to understand that you can't change your feelings and if she goes ahead, you may not be able to love her the same way. Sure, there will be love, love as a person, a person's growth and adventures, but it won't be the intimate one on one couple love. She has to prepare that even if one day she decides to stop, the marriage would be changed forever. Or even worse, you don't agree with each other anymore and you go separate ways.
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A
male
reader, 1rafabel +, writes (3 March 2013):
1rafabel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input!I do know that my wife truly loves me, however, her as she told me last night, she wants it all....the marriage, the love, the emotional relationship with me, the family, the current swinging we share and of course her own need to experience other people away from 'us'.I was questioned as to why I am so dimissive of her requests yet we can both do the seing thing as a couple? I will eleborate on this a bit further.Over the past several years, my wife had expressed and developed an interest in BDSM, something in which I also share an interest although she feels that my interest is somewhat superficial to hers. This is the aspect in which my wife wishes to explore alone as both a Domme and a Sub...these are my concerns regarding the safety aspect of of the lifestyle in which she wishes to embark on. Some of people may think that there is a good comprise in that I too have the benefit of fulfilling my own needs elsewhere but the reality is that for me I find pleasure from the mutual experiences that both my wife and I have shared and that I really have no interest in seeking sexual encounters by myself. My wife is the most honest person that I have ever known so I know that what she would like for me to agree to is important to her as well as to us. In converstaion last night she went on to say that in her opinion 'this openess' in our marriage would bring 'us' even closer.In short, the ideology behind her thoughts seem plausable considering how open we both are about our sexuality, and yet I am also limitating as iam am happy with the current arrangement.....I guesse that I have choices to make here; 1. I agree to her request outling conditions i.e. I speak/meet with prospective partners and take things from there - 2. I disagree and refuse point blank to her request in the knowledge that I am supressing her needs, wants and desires or 3. We end our relationship in anticipation of her embarking on her'journey'. As Janniepeg mention in her response to my initial question 'She is basically living the single life with the benefits of a marriage' should I choose to agree.so, thankyou again for your thoughts...We now have alot of thinking, discussing and making informed and serious choices.
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A
male
reader, 1rafabel +, writes (3 March 2013):
1rafabel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input!I do know that my wife truly loves me, however, her as she told me last night, she wants it all....the marriage, the love, the emotional relationship with me, the family, the current swinging we share and of course her own need to experience other people away from 'us'.I was questioned as to why I am so dimissive of her requests yet we can both do the seing thing as a couple? I will eleborate on this a bit further.Over the past several years, my wife had expressed and developed an interest in BDSM, something in which I also share an interest although she feels that my interest is somewhat superficial to hers. This is the aspect in which my wife wishes to explore alone as both a Domme and a Sub...these are my concerns regarding the safety aspect of of the lifestyle in which she wishes to embark on. Some of people may think that there is a good comprise in that I too have the benefit of fulfilling my own needs elsewhere but the reality is that for me I find pleasure from the mutual experiences that both my wife and I have shared and that I really have no interest in seeking sexual encounters by myself. My wife is the most honest person that I have ever known so I know that what she would like for me to agree to is important to her as well as to us. In converstaion last night she went on to say that in her opinion 'this openess' in our marriage would bring 'us' even closer.In short, the ideology behind her thoughts seem plausable considering how open we both are about our sexuality, and yet I am also limitating as iam am happy with the current arrangement.....I guesse that I have choices to make here; 1. I agree to her request outling conditions i.e. I speak/meet with prospective partners and take things from there - 2. I disagree and refuse point blank to her request in the knowledge that I am supressing her needs, wants and desires or 3. We end our relationship in anticipation of her embarking on her'journey'. As Janniepeg mention in her response to my initial question 'She is basically living the single life with the benefits of a marriage' should I choose to agree.so, thankyou again for your thoughts...We now have alot of thinking, discussing and making informed and serious choices.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 March 2013):
Some people like to go up a notch from time to time. The thing that is taboo is often the most enjoyable, most freeing, she thought. I don't know how you can be so liberating. She is basically living the single life with the benefits of a marriage. I do think that when you go one on one, you lose the inhibition because the spouse is not there, and emotions will develop. She has to tell other men she has a husband. If she doesn't then you are in trouble. The other also has to understand what he's getting into. What we can't have we want it even more.
You should be able to trust that she will stop what she is doing if you are not happy. If you love her enough to set her free, be prepared for the marriage ending with no regrets.
This has to do with your belief. Do you believe love is giving the other freedom? Or do you believe it is doing the right thing, making each other feel safe? A balance of both is good but you do need to have dealbreakers. One minute it is sex only, then later there are texts and meet ups outside the bedroom. It has to stop somewhere. Is love just a state of being, without conditions? Does marriage have nothing to do with love?
Already you gave her permission so there is no stopping. The more you try to restrict her the more she wants to go out. The only time she will stop all this is to experience it and to find there is nothing more to this big hype over open relationships. Basically getting bored of everything related to sex. Act like you are not afraid to lose her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): hi
well usually "open marriages" are for couples who decide to stay together for children's sake , financial issues etc... but if you have happy marriage, truly love each-other, then i wouldn't recommend it to you. good luck
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Sex is a big part to a reltshp. If u disagree with her on this it could be a deal breaker. Its a simple thing she wants but its a big piece to ur rltshp given the lifestyle u choose. If I were id say youre happy with the way things are why change them n take a risk? Good luck
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